[stylist] chapter one- need feedback
Judith Bron
jbron at optonline.net
Mon Nov 2 19:30:39 UTC 2009
Barbara, The Yanks are 3 games up on Philly's 1 game. Let's go Yanks!
----- Original Message -----
From: "Barbara Hammel" <poetlori8 at msn.com>
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Monday, November 02, 2009 12:15 PM
Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
> So are you saying with your chapter headings that what happens in Chapter
> 1 is on the same day as what happens in chapter 2?
> Now if that's so, that makes me want to read the whole thing to know how
> these lives will intertwine and which characters will it be that meet.
> Barbara
>
> The Hawkeyes are 9 and 0! Let's go Iowa Hawkeyes!
>
> --------------------------------------------------
> From: "Judith Bron" <jbron at optonline.net>
> Sent: Sunday, November 01, 2009 11:58 AM
> To: "Stylist" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
> Subject: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>
>> Perhaps I should have started with chapter one. However, I wanted to
>> make sure the reader would be just as engrossed in the second chapter as
>> the first. Obviously these first two chapters introduce the reader to
>> the characters. Judith
>>
>> CHAPTER ONE
>>
>>
>>
>> Curtis Cove, New York November 1977
>>
>> Jennifer's thoughts were a safe haven and the only place in the world she
>> could escape to for security. Usually while in her hypnotic state she
>> managed to be cognizant of the world around her. But this Saturday
>> morning she was so deep in thought she managed to block out the sounds of
>> people talking, kids playing and horns honking. As she wandered
>> aimlessly down the street in the teenage uniform of jeans, a sweater and
>> navy ski jacket she thought about her inability to love anyone. Suddenly
>> horns blared, tires squealed and sirens wailed. She lay on the street
>> oblivious to the sounds and horror engulfing her.
>>
>> Randy, captain of her high school football team, happened to be jogging
>> down the street when the accident happened. He ran to the scene and saw
>> Jennifer lying in the street with a policeman hovering over her. "Is she
>> all right?"
>>
>> "Don't know. Just called for an ambulance. Who is she?"
>>
>> "Jennifer Rabinowitz. She lives a block from here."
>>
>> "Can you get her parents?"
>>
>> "She's an orphan. I'll get her Foster mother. Where are they taking
>> her?"
>>
>> "Arthur Memorial Hospital. They have a good trauma center. They'll need
>> her guardian's signature."
>>
>> Jennifer lay immobile, her long hair now covering her face. Randy's
>> inclination was to brush it aside, but he couldn't get that close. With
>> one last glance at Jennifer he took off for the Hamilton house.
>>
>> When Sheila answered the door he blurted out the story.
>>
>> "Where is she?"
>>
>> "When I left the scene she was lying in the middle of the street. The
>> policeman said they're taking her to Arthur Memorial."
>>
>> Sheila grabbed her coat screaming to her other foster daughter, "Cindy,
>> watch the kids. There's an emergency!"
>>
>> One of the technicians at the scene yelled, "Get the oxygen. Respiratory
>> distress!"
>>
>> Unaware of the flurry of activity around her Jennifer floated over her
>> body ending up in a different place. A woman approached her. "Jennifer,
>> it's me, mommy. I want you to know I love you. Your time is not up.
>> Your life will get better. Everything will be fine, dear. I love you."
>>
>> Jennifer started following her mother.
>>
>> Sheila and Randy ran into the emergency room shortly after Jennifer had
>> been brought in.
>>
>> The Waiting doctors began their examination immediately. One doctor
>> commanded, "Get me the defibrillator."
>>
>> Oblivious to the furor around her Jennifer said, "Mommy, I want to stay
>> here. My life is awful. I can't love anyone."
>>
>> "You need to continue. Your life will get better. Wonderful people will
>> prove to you that you can love and be loved. I love you. Go back now."
>>
>> The medical staff brought the equipment necessary to resuscitate
>> Jennifer. The doctors applied the panels to Jennifer's chest. A huge
>> burst of energy started her heart beating again. Jennifer took a deep,
>> labored breath. In the hospital room a cheer went up among the doctors
>> and nurses. As soon as Jennifer began breathing on her own she was
>> trundled at top speed to a CAT scan which showed the medical team that
>> neither her spine nor limbs were broken. She didn't have any internal
>> bleeding. Dr. Green thought, "This is one lucky girl."
>>
>> Randy and Sheila sat in the waiting room anxiously awaiting word about
>> Jennifer. Randy glanced at his watch. "I have to call the coach to tell
>> him I'm not playing this afternoon and Jennifer's not cheering. Be right
>> back."
>>
>> Once Jennifer was put in a room Randy and Sheila kept vigil beside her
>> bed gazing bleakly at the oxygen, bottles of fluid and monitor. Sheila
>> thought, "This is a nightmare!"
>>
>> Randy wondered if his friend would ever cheer for a football game again.
>> After her recovery would she still be the most beautiful girl in the
>> world? Once she was back to normal would she continue to refuse his
>> dates?
>>
>> An alarm on the monitor went off bringing nurses and doctors rushing into
>> the room pushing the platform that held those paddles. Ignoring the
>> panic around her body Jennifer told her mother, "Mommy, I don't want to
>> go back. I'm different from the other kids. They remind me all the
>> time."
>>
>> "Don't worry about being different. Everything will be fine. You have a
>> beautiful life ahead of you. It's time to go back now."
>>
>> "No, Mommy! Don't make me go!"
>>
>> Jennifer slammed back into her body, aware again of the pain. The doctor
>> lifted the defibrillator, vastly relieved. "Welcome back, Jennifer.
>> Hang in there."
>>
>> Randy leaned forward speaking to the girl in the bed. "Keep fighting,
>> Jennifer. We're all praying for you."
>>
>> They kept their vigil beside her bed. At one point Randy said, "It looks
>> like she's stabilized. I think I'd better head over to the field. Be
>> back right after the game." Sheila continued praying that her favorite
>> foster child would be all right. Jennifer seemed to be going in and out
>> of consciousness. She would open her eyes briefly before slipping back
>> into either slumber or unconsciousness. Sheila couldn't tell. She just
>> kept watching, waiting and praying while nurses and doctors entered the
>> room to take Jennifer's vitals and read the monitors.
>>
>> When Randy got back after the game Jennifer woke for more than a few
>> minutes. Sheila asked, "How do you feel, Jennifer?"
>>
>> "Weak and sore. When are they going to take away this oxygen?"
>>
>> "I'll check. Can I get you something to eat?"
>>
>> "If it's not too much I would like a cheese sandwich."
>>
>> "Let me find out."
>>
>> After she left Randy said, "I played today. Everyone sends their best
>> wishes. I was so upset that I blew a touchdown pass. We lost."
>>
>> Jennifer responded weakly, "I'm sorry, Randy. I know how much that
>> trophy means to you."
>>
>> Carrying a sandwich and cup of juice Sheila appeared at her bedside.
>> "The nurse said the doctor will be in soon to see about the oxygen. I
>> brought you a sandwich."
>>
>> "Thanks, Sheila."
>>
>> Jennifer started eating her sandwich and Sheila said, "I have to get
>> going. Cindy has plans for tonight and Ted has to work. I'll send Ted
>> up with your things. I'll be back tomorrow morning." She kissed
>> Jennifer and left.
>>
>> A minute later a doctor came in. "Good evening, Jennifer. I'm Dr.
>> Jackson. I'm covering Dr. Green's patients tonight. Mrs. Hamilton asked
>> the nurse about the oxygen. I want to keep it going until tomorrow
>> morning. Dr. Green will evaluate you at that time. Is there anything
>> else I can do for you?"
>>
>> "Can I take a shower?"
>>
>> "When the nurse comes in tomorrow she will help you with that. Is
>> everything else all right?"
>>
>> "I guess so. Thanks." He left the room.
>>
>> Jennifer turned to Randy. "Thanks for everything, Randy. I don't
>> remember anything. Can you tell me about it?"
>>
>> Randy described the activities that morning. "A few times your heart
>> stopped beating. It was strange. You looked so peaceful. Do you
>> remember anything?"
>>
>> She lied, "I don't remember a thing. I had no idea it was that serious."
>>
>> "How are you feeling now?"
>>
>> "I still feel weak and sore, but other than that fine."
>>
>> "Can I ask you a serious question?"
>>
>> "Sure. But please forgive me if I'm not in the mood to answer it."
>>
>> "What will it take for you to go out with me?"
>>
>> "Randy, there's a lot going on in my head. I need time to straighten it
>> all out. Right now you are the best friend I have in the world. Just
>> keep on being my friend. That's the best thing you can do for me."
>>
>> "I know others give you a hard time about your last name. Is that part
>> of the problem you have to work out?"
>>
>> "That's a big part of it. I don't know who I am. You guys know your
>> parents, what they expect from you and people to turn to when you need
>> answers to important questions. I haven't had that since I was two.
>>
>> I also have my career in clothing design to think about. I guess right
>> now that's my identity. But how can you create an identity out of a
>> spool of thread, a piece of cloth and sewing notions? I need more than
>> that. I need to explore this Jewish thing. I guess my parents were
>> Jewish. How else would I end up with a name like Rabinowitz? Right now
>> I don't know where to begin my search."
>>
>> "If there's anything I can do to help you just ask."
>>
>> "Randy, do I have all kinds of bruises on my face?"
>>
>> Randy smiled. "You look like the most beautiful girl in the world who
>> got into a fight and almost lost."
>>
>> "I guess I didn't lose. When I get up my courage I'll look in the
>> mirror."
>>
>> "You're looking tired. I'll be back tomorrow morning."
>>
>> "Good night, Randy. Thanks again."
>>
>>
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>
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