[stylist] chapter one- need feedback
Barbara Hammel
poetlori8 at msn.com
Mon Nov 2 19:49:47 UTC 2009
Unfortunately I have to give it to you. But I hope they win tonight so the
fans don't have the thrill of winning at home. Put me out of my misery.
I'm a National League fan.
I must say, though, I used to hate it when WTBS would refer to the Braves as
America's team. Truth be known, the Yankees are. You either love 'em or
hate 'em.
I just don't like Alex Rodriguez.
Barbara
The Hawkeyes are 9 and 0! Let's go Iowa Hawkeyes!
--------------------------------------------------
From: "Judith Bron" <jbron at optonline.net>
Sent: Monday, November 02, 2009 1:30 PM
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
> Barbara, The Yanks are 3 games up on Philly's 1 game. Let's go Yanks!
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "Barbara Hammel" <poetlori8 at msn.com>
> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Monday, November 02, 2009 12:15 PM
> Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>
>
>> So are you saying with your chapter headings that what happens in Chapter
>> 1 is on the same day as what happens in chapter 2?
>> Now if that's so, that makes me want to read the whole thing to know how
>> these lives will intertwine and which characters will it be that meet.
>> Barbara
>>
>> The Hawkeyes are 9 and 0! Let's go Iowa Hawkeyes!
>>
>> --------------------------------------------------
>> From: "Judith Bron" <jbron at optonline.net>
>> Sent: Sunday, November 01, 2009 11:58 AM
>> To: "Stylist" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>> Subject: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>>
>>> Perhaps I should have started with chapter one. However, I wanted to
>>> make sure the reader would be just as engrossed in the second chapter as
>>> the first. Obviously these first two chapters introduce the reader to
>>> the characters. Judith
>>>
>>> CHAPTER ONE
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>> Curtis Cove, New York November 1977
>>>
>>> Jennifer's thoughts were a safe haven and the only place in the world
>>> she could escape to for security. Usually while in her hypnotic state
>>> she managed to be cognizant of the world around her. But this Saturday
>>> morning she was so deep in thought she managed to block out the sounds
>>> of people talking, kids playing and horns honking. As she wandered
>>> aimlessly down the street in the teenage uniform of jeans, a sweater and
>>> navy ski jacket she thought about her inability to love anyone.
>>> Suddenly horns blared, tires squealed and sirens wailed. She lay on the
>>> street oblivious to the sounds and horror engulfing her.
>>>
>>> Randy, captain of her high school football team, happened to be jogging
>>> down the street when the accident happened. He ran to the scene and saw
>>> Jennifer lying in the street with a policeman hovering over her. "Is
>>> she all right?"
>>>
>>> "Don't know. Just called for an ambulance. Who is she?"
>>>
>>> "Jennifer Rabinowitz. She lives a block from here."
>>>
>>> "Can you get her parents?"
>>>
>>> "She's an orphan. I'll get her Foster mother. Where are they taking
>>> her?"
>>>
>>> "Arthur Memorial Hospital. They have a good trauma center. They'll
>>> need her guardian's signature."
>>>
>>> Jennifer lay immobile, her long hair now covering her face. Randy's
>>> inclination was to brush it aside, but he couldn't get that close. With
>>> one last glance at Jennifer he took off for the Hamilton house.
>>>
>>> When Sheila answered the door he blurted out the story.
>>>
>>> "Where is she?"
>>>
>>> "When I left the scene she was lying in the middle of the street. The
>>> policeman said they're taking her to Arthur Memorial."
>>>
>>> Sheila grabbed her coat screaming to her other foster daughter, "Cindy,
>>> watch the kids. There's an emergency!"
>>>
>>> One of the technicians at the scene yelled, "Get the oxygen.
>>> Respiratory distress!"
>>>
>>> Unaware of the flurry of activity around her Jennifer floated over her
>>> body ending up in a different place. A woman approached her.
>>> "Jennifer, it's me, mommy. I want you to know I love you. Your time is
>>> not up. Your life will get better. Everything will be fine, dear. I
>>> love you."
>>>
>>> Jennifer started following her mother.
>>>
>>> Sheila and Randy ran into the emergency room shortly after Jennifer had
>>> been brought in.
>>>
>>> The Waiting doctors began their examination immediately. One doctor
>>> commanded, "Get me the defibrillator."
>>>
>>> Oblivious to the furor around her Jennifer said, "Mommy, I want to stay
>>> here. My life is awful. I can't love anyone."
>>>
>>> "You need to continue. Your life will get better. Wonderful people
>>> will prove to you that you can love and be loved. I love you. Go back
>>> now."
>>>
>>> The medical staff brought the equipment necessary to resuscitate
>>> Jennifer. The doctors applied the panels to Jennifer's chest. A huge
>>> burst of energy started her heart beating again. Jennifer took a deep,
>>> labored breath. In the hospital room a cheer went up among the doctors
>>> and nurses. As soon as Jennifer began breathing on her own she was
>>> trundled at top speed to a CAT scan which showed the medical team that
>>> neither her spine nor limbs were broken. She didn't have any internal
>>> bleeding. Dr. Green thought, "This is one lucky girl."
>>>
>>> Randy and Sheila sat in the waiting room anxiously awaiting word about
>>> Jennifer. Randy glanced at his watch. "I have to call the coach to
>>> tell him I'm not playing this afternoon and Jennifer's not cheering. Be
>>> right back."
>>>
>>> Once Jennifer was put in a room Randy and Sheila kept vigil beside her
>>> bed gazing bleakly at the oxygen, bottles of fluid and monitor.
>>> Sheila thought, "This is a nightmare!"
>>>
>>> Randy wondered if his friend would ever cheer for a football game again.
>>> After her recovery would she still be the most beautiful girl in the
>>> world? Once she was back to normal would she continue to refuse his
>>> dates?
>>>
>>> An alarm on the monitor went off bringing nurses and doctors rushing
>>> into the room pushing the platform that held those paddles. Ignoring
>>> the panic around her body Jennifer told her mother, "Mommy, I don't want
>>> to go back. I'm different from the other kids. They remind me all the
>>> time."
>>>
>>> "Don't worry about being different. Everything will be fine. You have
>>> a beautiful life ahead of you. It's time to go back now."
>>>
>>> "No, Mommy! Don't make me go!"
>>>
>>> Jennifer slammed back into her body, aware again of the pain. The
>>> doctor lifted the defibrillator, vastly relieved. "Welcome back,
>>> Jennifer. Hang in there."
>>>
>>> Randy leaned forward speaking to the girl in the bed. "Keep fighting,
>>> Jennifer. We're all praying for you."
>>>
>>> They kept their vigil beside her bed. At one point Randy said, "It
>>> looks like she's stabilized. I think I'd better head over to the field.
>>> Be back right after the game." Sheila continued praying that her
>>> favorite foster child would be all right. Jennifer seemed to be going
>>> in and out of consciousness. She would open her eyes briefly before
>>> slipping back into either slumber or unconsciousness. Sheila couldn't
>>> tell. She just kept watching, waiting and praying while nurses and
>>> doctors entered the room to take Jennifer's vitals and read the
>>> monitors.
>>>
>>> When Randy got back after the game Jennifer woke for more than a few
>>> minutes. Sheila asked, "How do you feel, Jennifer?"
>>>
>>> "Weak and sore. When are they going to take away this oxygen?"
>>>
>>> "I'll check. Can I get you something to eat?"
>>>
>>> "If it's not too much I would like a cheese sandwich."
>>>
>>> "Let me find out."
>>>
>>> After she left Randy said, "I played today. Everyone sends their best
>>> wishes. I was so upset that I blew a touchdown pass. We lost."
>>>
>>> Jennifer responded weakly, "I'm sorry, Randy. I know how much that
>>> trophy means to you."
>>>
>>> Carrying a sandwich and cup of juice Sheila appeared at her bedside.
>>> "The nurse said the doctor will be in soon to see about the oxygen. I
>>> brought you a sandwich."
>>>
>>> "Thanks, Sheila."
>>>
>>> Jennifer started eating her sandwich and Sheila said, "I have to get
>>> going. Cindy has plans for tonight and Ted has to work. I'll send Ted
>>> up with your things. I'll be back tomorrow morning." She kissed
>>> Jennifer and left.
>>>
>>> A minute later a doctor came in. "Good evening, Jennifer. I'm Dr.
>>> Jackson. I'm covering Dr. Green's patients tonight. Mrs. Hamilton
>>> asked the nurse about the oxygen. I want to keep it going until
>>> tomorrow morning. Dr. Green will evaluate you at that time. Is there
>>> anything else I can do for you?"
>>>
>>> "Can I take a shower?"
>>>
>>> "When the nurse comes in tomorrow she will help you with that. Is
>>> everything else all right?"
>>>
>>> "I guess so. Thanks." He left the room.
>>>
>>> Jennifer turned to Randy. "Thanks for everything, Randy. I don't
>>> remember anything. Can you tell me about it?"
>>>
>>> Randy described the activities that morning. "A few times your heart
>>> stopped beating. It was strange. You looked so peaceful. Do you
>>> remember anything?"
>>>
>>> She lied, "I don't remember a thing. I had no idea it was that
>>> serious."
>>>
>>> "How are you feeling now?"
>>>
>>> "I still feel weak and sore, but other than that fine."
>>>
>>> "Can I ask you a serious question?"
>>>
>>> "Sure. But please forgive me if I'm not in the mood to answer it."
>>>
>>> "What will it take for you to go out with me?"
>>>
>>> "Randy, there's a lot going on in my head. I need time to straighten it
>>> all out. Right now you are the best friend I have in the world. Just
>>> keep on being my friend. That's the best thing you can do for me."
>>>
>>> "I know others give you a hard time about your last name. Is that part
>>> of the problem you have to work out?"
>>>
>>> "That's a big part of it. I don't know who I am. You guys know your
>>> parents, what they expect from you and people to turn to when you need
>>> answers to important questions. I haven't had that since I was two.
>>>
>>> I also have my career in clothing design to think about. I guess right
>>> now that's my identity. But how can you create an identity out of a
>>> spool of thread, a piece of cloth and sewing notions? I need more than
>>> that. I need to explore this Jewish thing. I guess my parents were
>>> Jewish. How else would I end up with a name like Rabinowitz? Right now
>>> I don't know where to begin my search."
>>>
>>> "If there's anything I can do to help you just ask."
>>>
>>> "Randy, do I have all kinds of bruises on my face?"
>>>
>>> Randy smiled. "You look like the most beautiful girl in the world who
>>> got into a fight and almost lost."
>>>
>>> "I guess I didn't lose. When I get up my courage I'll look in the
>>> mirror."
>>>
>>> "You're looking tired. I'll be back tomorrow morning."
>>>
>>> "Good night, Randy. Thanks again."
>>>
>>>
>>> _______________________________________________
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>>
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>
>
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