[stylist] chapter one- need feedback
Judith Bron
jbron at optonline.net
Mon Nov 2 21:36:04 UTC 2009
The object is to win. If they clinch in Philly at least they'll have their
parade in the city. Sorry, Barbara. The Yanks are just better.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Barbara Hammel" <poetlori8 at msn.com>
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Monday, November 02, 2009 2:49 PM
Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
> Unfortunately I have to give it to you. But I hope they win tonight so
> the fans don't have the thrill of winning at home. Put me out of my
> misery. I'm a National League fan.
> I must say, though, I used to hate it when WTBS would refer to the Braves
> as America's team. Truth be known, the Yankees are. You either love 'em
> or hate 'em.
> I just don't like Alex Rodriguez.
> Barbara
>
> The Hawkeyes are 9 and 0! Let's go Iowa Hawkeyes!
>
> --------------------------------------------------
> From: "Judith Bron" <jbron at optonline.net>
> Sent: Monday, November 02, 2009 1:30 PM
> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
> Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>
>> Barbara, The Yanks are 3 games up on Philly's 1 game. Let's go Yanks!
>> ----- Original Message -----
>> From: "Barbara Hammel" <poetlori8 at msn.com>
>> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>> Sent: Monday, November 02, 2009 12:15 PM
>> Subject: Re: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>>
>>
>>> So are you saying with your chapter headings that what happens in
>>> Chapter 1 is on the same day as what happens in chapter 2?
>>> Now if that's so, that makes me want to read the whole thing to know how
>>> these lives will intertwine and which characters will it be that meet.
>>> Barbara
>>>
>>> The Hawkeyes are 9 and 0! Let's go Iowa Hawkeyes!
>>>
>>> --------------------------------------------------
>>> From: "Judith Bron" <jbron at optonline.net>
>>> Sent: Sunday, November 01, 2009 11:58 AM
>>> To: "Stylist" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>>> Subject: [stylist] chapter one- need feedback
>>>
>>>> Perhaps I should have started with chapter one. However, I wanted to
>>>> make sure the reader would be just as engrossed in the second chapter
>>>> as the first. Obviously these first two chapters introduce the reader
>>>> to the characters. Judith
>>>>
>>>> CHAPTER ONE
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> Curtis Cove, New York November 1977
>>>>
>>>> Jennifer's thoughts were a safe haven and the only place in the world
>>>> she could escape to for security. Usually while in her hypnotic state
>>>> she managed to be cognizant of the world around her. But this Saturday
>>>> morning she was so deep in thought she managed to block out the sounds
>>>> of people talking, kids playing and horns honking. As she wandered
>>>> aimlessly down the street in the teenage uniform of jeans, a sweater
>>>> and navy ski jacket she thought about her inability to love anyone.
>>>> Suddenly horns blared, tires squealed and sirens wailed. She lay on
>>>> the street oblivious to the sounds and horror engulfing her.
>>>>
>>>> Randy, captain of her high school football team, happened to be jogging
>>>> down the street when the accident happened. He ran to the scene and
>>>> saw Jennifer lying in the street with a policeman hovering over her.
>>>> "Is she all right?"
>>>>
>>>> "Don't know. Just called for an ambulance. Who is she?"
>>>>
>>>> "Jennifer Rabinowitz. She lives a block from here."
>>>>
>>>> "Can you get her parents?"
>>>>
>>>> "She's an orphan. I'll get her Foster mother. Where are they taking
>>>> her?"
>>>>
>>>> "Arthur Memorial Hospital. They have a good trauma center. They'll
>>>> need her guardian's signature."
>>>>
>>>> Jennifer lay immobile, her long hair now covering her face. Randy's
>>>> inclination was to brush it aside, but he couldn't get that close.
>>>> With one last glance at Jennifer he took off for the Hamilton house.
>>>>
>>>> When Sheila answered the door he blurted out the story.
>>>>
>>>> "Where is she?"
>>>>
>>>> "When I left the scene she was lying in the middle of the street. The
>>>> policeman said they're taking her to Arthur Memorial."
>>>>
>>>> Sheila grabbed her coat screaming to her other foster daughter, "Cindy,
>>>> watch the kids. There's an emergency!"
>>>>
>>>> One of the technicians at the scene yelled, "Get the oxygen.
>>>> Respiratory distress!"
>>>>
>>>> Unaware of the flurry of activity around her Jennifer floated over her
>>>> body ending up in a different place. A woman approached her.
>>>> "Jennifer, it's me, mommy. I want you to know I love you. Your time
>>>> is not up. Your life will get better. Everything will be fine, dear.
>>>> I love you."
>>>>
>>>> Jennifer started following her mother.
>>>>
>>>> Sheila and Randy ran into the emergency room shortly after Jennifer had
>>>> been brought in.
>>>>
>>>> The Waiting doctors began their examination immediately. One doctor
>>>> commanded, "Get me the defibrillator."
>>>>
>>>> Oblivious to the furor around her Jennifer said, "Mommy, I want to
>>>> stay here. My life is awful. I can't love anyone."
>>>>
>>>> "You need to continue. Your life will get better. Wonderful people
>>>> will prove to you that you can love and be loved. I love you. Go back
>>>> now."
>>>>
>>>> The medical staff brought the equipment necessary to resuscitate
>>>> Jennifer. The doctors applied the panels to Jennifer's chest. A huge
>>>> burst of energy started her heart beating again. Jennifer took a deep,
>>>> labored breath. In the hospital room a cheer went up among the doctors
>>>> and nurses. As soon as Jennifer began breathing on her own she was
>>>> trundled at top speed to a CAT scan which showed the medical team that
>>>> neither her spine nor limbs were broken. She didn't have any internal
>>>> bleeding. Dr. Green thought, "This is one lucky girl."
>>>>
>>>> Randy and Sheila sat in the waiting room anxiously awaiting word about
>>>> Jennifer. Randy glanced at his watch. "I have to call the coach to
>>>> tell him I'm not playing this afternoon and Jennifer's not cheering.
>>>> Be right back."
>>>>
>>>> Once Jennifer was put in a room Randy and Sheila kept vigil beside her
>>>> bed gazing bleakly at the oxygen, bottles of fluid and monitor.
>>>> Sheila thought, "This is a nightmare!"
>>>>
>>>> Randy wondered if his friend would ever cheer for a football game
>>>> again. After her recovery would she still be the most beautiful girl in
>>>> the world? Once she was back to normal would she continue to refuse
>>>> his dates?
>>>>
>>>> An alarm on the monitor went off bringing nurses and doctors rushing
>>>> into the room pushing the platform that held those paddles. Ignoring
>>>> the panic around her body Jennifer told her mother, "Mommy, I don't
>>>> want to go back. I'm different from the other kids. They remind me
>>>> all the time."
>>>>
>>>> "Don't worry about being different. Everything will be fine. You have
>>>> a beautiful life ahead of you. It's time to go back now."
>>>>
>>>> "No, Mommy! Don't make me go!"
>>>>
>>>> Jennifer slammed back into her body, aware again of the pain. The
>>>> doctor lifted the defibrillator, vastly relieved. "Welcome back,
>>>> Jennifer. Hang in there."
>>>>
>>>> Randy leaned forward speaking to the girl in the bed. "Keep fighting,
>>>> Jennifer. We're all praying for you."
>>>>
>>>> They kept their vigil beside her bed. At one point Randy said, "It
>>>> looks like she's stabilized. I think I'd better head over to the
>>>> field. Be back right after the game." Sheila continued praying that
>>>> her favorite foster child would be all right. Jennifer seemed to be
>>>> going in and out of consciousness. She would open her eyes briefly
>>>> before slipping back into either slumber or unconsciousness. Sheila
>>>> couldn't tell. She just kept watching, waiting and praying while
>>>> nurses and doctors entered the room to take Jennifer's vitals and read
>>>> the monitors.
>>>>
>>>> When Randy got back after the game Jennifer woke for more than a few
>>>> minutes. Sheila asked, "How do you feel, Jennifer?"
>>>>
>>>> "Weak and sore. When are they going to take away this oxygen?"
>>>>
>>>> "I'll check. Can I get you something to eat?"
>>>>
>>>> "If it's not too much I would like a cheese sandwich."
>>>>
>>>> "Let me find out."
>>>>
>>>> After she left Randy said, "I played today. Everyone sends their best
>>>> wishes. I was so upset that I blew a touchdown pass. We lost."
>>>>
>>>> Jennifer responded weakly, "I'm sorry, Randy. I know how much that
>>>> trophy means to you."
>>>>
>>>> Carrying a sandwich and cup of juice Sheila appeared at her bedside.
>>>> "The nurse said the doctor will be in soon to see about the oxygen. I
>>>> brought you a sandwich."
>>>>
>>>> "Thanks, Sheila."
>>>>
>>>> Jennifer started eating her sandwich and Sheila said, "I have to get
>>>> going. Cindy has plans for tonight and Ted has to work. I'll send Ted
>>>> up with your things. I'll be back tomorrow morning." She kissed
>>>> Jennifer and left.
>>>>
>>>> A minute later a doctor came in. "Good evening, Jennifer. I'm Dr.
>>>> Jackson. I'm covering Dr. Green's patients tonight. Mrs. Hamilton
>>>> asked the nurse about the oxygen. I want to keep it going until
>>>> tomorrow morning. Dr. Green will evaluate you at that time. Is there
>>>> anything else I can do for you?"
>>>>
>>>> "Can I take a shower?"
>>>>
>>>> "When the nurse comes in tomorrow she will help you with that. Is
>>>> everything else all right?"
>>>>
>>>> "I guess so. Thanks." He left the room.
>>>>
>>>> Jennifer turned to Randy. "Thanks for everything, Randy. I don't
>>>> remember anything. Can you tell me about it?"
>>>>
>>>> Randy described the activities that morning. "A few times your heart
>>>> stopped beating. It was strange. You looked so peaceful. Do you
>>>> remember anything?"
>>>>
>>>> She lied, "I don't remember a thing. I had no idea it was that
>>>> serious."
>>>>
>>>> "How are you feeling now?"
>>>>
>>>> "I still feel weak and sore, but other than that fine."
>>>>
>>>> "Can I ask you a serious question?"
>>>>
>>>> "Sure. But please forgive me if I'm not in the mood to answer it."
>>>>
>>>> "What will it take for you to go out with me?"
>>>>
>>>> "Randy, there's a lot going on in my head. I need time to straighten
>>>> it all out. Right now you are the best friend I have in the world.
>>>> Just keep on being my friend. That's the best thing you can do for
>>>> me."
>>>>
>>>> "I know others give you a hard time about your last name. Is that part
>>>> of the problem you have to work out?"
>>>>
>>>> "That's a big part of it. I don't know who I am. You guys know your
>>>> parents, what they expect from you and people to turn to when you need
>>>> answers to important questions. I haven't had that since I was two.
>>>>
>>>> I also have my career in clothing design to think about. I guess right
>>>> now that's my identity. But how can you create an identity out of a
>>>> spool of thread, a piece of cloth and sewing notions? I need more than
>>>> that. I need to explore this Jewish thing. I guess my parents were
>>>> Jewish. How else would I end up with a name like Rabinowitz? Right
>>>> now I don't know where to begin my search."
>>>>
>>>> "If there's anything I can do to help you just ask."
>>>>
>>>> "Randy, do I have all kinds of bruises on my face?"
>>>>
>>>> Randy smiled. "You look like the most beautiful girl in the world who
>>>> got into a fight and almost lost."
>>>>
>>>> "I guess I didn't lose. When I get up my courage I'll look in the
>>>> mirror."
>>>>
>>>> "You're looking tired. I'll be back tomorrow morning."
>>>>
>>>> "Good night, Randy. Thanks again."
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> _______________________________________________
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>>>
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>>
>>
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>
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