[stylist] Rough draft of a poem.

[Susan Tabor]

Hi, Alan:

Nice poem! I agree with the suggestion given about removing some of the
extra little words. I like the ray of hope that you convey at the end; a
nice hopeful end hoped for in what seems like hopeless chaos!

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Alan
Sent: Saturday, October 03, 2009 3:51 PM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: [stylist] Rough draft of a poem.

Hi everyone,
I just wrote this poem, but I feel it is very rough and needs work.  Any
thoughts and feedback are greatly appreciated.

I am trying to convey emotional tumult in terms of a beach with a full moon.
This just seems weak to me, and could be stronger.  Hre it is:
Full Moon and High Tide

 

The full moon shone on the beach of his life

and pulled on the tides of his emotions

 

The high tide of his love for her

the water seeming like the million tears he had cried

the thunderous sound his beating heart

 

 

ebbing only came when he remembered

that for the time being

fate conspires to keep them apart

 
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