[stylist] A deafbling girl (chapter 2)

[Judith Bron]

Here's just a few ideas that can be disregarded with no problem:
The Disappointment
Wrong Gender
Never to be Right

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "helene ryles" <dreamavdb at googlemail.com>
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Sunday, September 06, 2009 12:35 AM
Subject: Re: [stylist] A deafbling girl (chapter 2)


> Hi James and Judith,
> I'm glad you liked my story.
>
> The origin of the title is because Nadia disapoints her mom on three 
> accounts:
>
> She's born female when her mom wanted a son.
> Shes a Duman instead of being magically able.
> She's still deafblind despite having eye surgery and and a Cochlear 
> implant.
>
> It's not totally fixed though. If a better title came up and maybe
> made it more publishable I'd go for it.
>
> Helene.
>
> On 06/09/2009, James Canaday M.A.  N6YR <n6yr at sunflower.com> wrote:
>> Helene,
>> I was thinking about your book during my long walk with my dog this
>> afternoon.
>>
>> I like your writing, it is engaging and vivid.  in fact, sometimes it
>> seems likt it could use a little scene and landscape just to pace it
>> a little, it moves so flat-out.  but that's not such a bad thing.
>>
>> my major comment is this: "a defblind girl" as a title?  I also like
>> shorter titles.  but perhaps a title more tied to the magic, or the
>> emotional struggles in the story would fit better and would better
>> identify your story.
>>
>> I do not like long titles like: "Upon the upside of the towering rock
>> in the town square, or: how I lost my sense of innocence and became
>> an adult in the 20th century upon my 21st birthday in an accident ..."
>> I was required to make my masters thesis title far clugier than I
>> wanted.  I think its maybe fourteen words long!
>>
>> anyway, keep the simplicity of the title, but perhaps closer to the
>> characters or the story?
>>
>> reads very well Helene!
>>
>> oh, I think "snuck" might be better in that one place than "sneaked."
>> jc
>> Jim Canaday M.A.
>> Lawrence, KS
>>
>> At 03:49 PM 9/5/2009, you wrote:
>>>Chapter 2
>>>First memories by Nadia Murat (1989)
>>>
>>>Where has Aunt Liza got to? She should be here by now, but she wasn't.
>>>I lay huddled on my bedroom floor, feeling more anxious by the minute.
>>>A wet and slightly abrasive tongue licks my face.  It was Bella the
>>>Growlin Shepherd, a failed police dog who slept on the bottom bunk.
>>>I let her continue to lick my face.  Then I wrapped my arms around her
>>>large furry neck.
>>>We were in a large spacious room full of toys and picture books.  I
>>>had a bunk bed that I shared with Bella. She had the bottom bunk and I
>>>slept in the top.
>>>  We had been expecting Liza to arrive soon after my babysitter left
>>>for the day, only she left hours ago.    Where on earth could my aunt
>>>have got to?
>>>My anxiety rose as the sun stopped shining from my small slit of a
>>>bedroom window. We began to get very anxious.
>>>My aunt did not come back that night.
>>>Instead the dragon came.  He was about twelve foot long and four foot
>>>high. His beautiful copper coloured skin had a lovely smooth texture
>>>to it.  I usually loved to stroke him, but today I was too worried
>>>about my aunt's failure to arrive.
>>>"I want my auntie.  Where is she?" I demanded, stamping my foot.
>>>Suddenly, an image of Liza flashed into my mind.   The image came from
>>>the Dragon who was communicating to me using Dramic, which is a
>>>telepathic language via words and images.
>>>In this image I saw Liza in a whitewashed hallway full of sick people.
>>>  She was lying down in a sort of large trolley.  There was something
>>>wrong with her legs, which were at an odd angle.  She seemed to be in
>>>a lot of pain.  I recognised that place.  I'd been there before but I
>>>couldn't remember when.  I just remembered that it smelt strongly of
>>>disinfectant and the well lit waiting room lights had hurt my eyes.
>>>I next visualized a bowl of dog food.
>>>"I can't eat that," I protested in sign language.
>>>I visualized a little girl with an empty bowl.  The message ended with
>>>a question mark.
>>>"Ice-cream, candy and a large packet of cookies," I told him.  This
>>>was not my usual diet but the dragon didn't seem to know this.  He
>>>came back with the food I had asked for.  I shared the rest of the
>>>cookies with Bella after she had finished her dog food.
>>>The food distracted me for a short while, but once it had been eaten
>>>my anxiety returned with renewed force.  What was wrong with my aunt's
>>>legs?  Would she ever be ok again?  I was unable to get to sleep so I
>>>began to pace from my bedroom to the toilet and back.  My stomach felt
>>>very delicate.  I ended up returning most of the food that the dragon
>>>had brought me in the toilet, which fortunately was next door to my
>>>bedroom.
>>>What would I do if Aunt Liza never came back?  Even Bella's furry form
>>>was unable to pacify me for long.
>>>
>>>                       ***  ***  ***
>>>
>>>I woke to feel a scaly hand nudging me, handing me my aphakic glasses
>>>which I wore firmly attached to my head by an elastic strap.   Another
>>>large scaly hand wrapped itself around my chest, tugging me towards
>>>him.  At that point I began to rise.  I looked up to see a large pair
>>>of wings moving back and forth towards the ceiling.    The dragon took
>>>me out of the door to the living room.  Like most doors in homes owned
>>>by dragons, it was situated on the ceiling.
>>>To my great relief, the dragon dropped me onto the thick green carpet,
>>>in front of Aunt Liza.  She had returned at last.
>>>I picked myself up, rushing to hug my aunt, who sat propped up with
>>>various cushions on the floor.   Both her legs were covered with a
>>>couple of large white plaster casts.
>>>  Aunt Liza is very pretty, with light grey skin and long black curly
>>>hair like mine.  She wore a loose red dress.  Around her neck she had
>>>a black cylinder shape called a Monocular.  She used it to help her
>>>see.
>>>Today there was an anxious look in her dark brown eyes.  She put on a
>>>bright smile when she saw me, but it did not stay on her face for
>>>long.
>>>"I was so worried about you last night," I complained using Darthrilan
>>>sign language.
>>>"Sorry Nadia.  Yesterday I did my parachute training.  Unfortunately I
>>>messed up on the landing.  If you fetch me one of your picture books I
>>>will read to you."
>>>  "I don't want you to read from a picture book today. I want you to
>>>tell me a real live story..."
>>>My aunt gave an exasperated sigh.  She sat motionless for a few
>>>minutes, deep in thought.
>>>"Ok, I'll tell you a story then. I'll tell you how you came here in
>>>the first place."
>>>"Wasn't I born here?"
>>>"No, you weren't.  You were born in a hospital somewhere in Darthrila.
>>>  I forget which one, but after that your mother took you back to
>>>Nazdonia with her.  You lived there until your triplet sisters were
>>>born.  I took care of you while your mother was in hospital.  After
>>>that I felt it necessary to rescue you"
>>>"Why did you do that?"
>>>"Your mother is a wicked witch.   You weren't being properly cared for
>>>and she was forever hitting you and your sister, even then"
>>>"Just one sister? I thought you said there were triplets?"
>>>"That's right, but the other two triplets were being cared for by
>>>other relatives as your mother didn't want them around.   Anyway your
>>>sister died after your mother shook her. Unfortunately your mother
>>>insisted on keeping you with her, and your father wasn't man enough to
>>>protect you from her, so I had to do something about it"
>>>"How?"
>>>"You were in Darthrila at the time.  You were having your cochlear
>>>implant.  Normally when you have a cochlear implant you don't get to
>>>stay in hospital for so long as you did.  When I had my cochlear
>>>implant, I only stayed overnight and went back home the following
>>>morning.
>>>"However, you were very small and malnourished with a lot of
>>>suspicious looking bruising.  The audiologists considered your home
>>>life in Nazdonia too unhealthy to recover in.   They were very
>>>concerned about your mother's behaviour.  So you stayed in the
>>>children's ward for several weeks.
>>>"Your mother expected you to hear normally straight after you were
>>>implanted.  When you obviously couldn't, she got very angry, demanding
>>>a full refund.  She put the painful curse on several of the hospital
>>>staff, and even threatened to curse their whole family if they didn't
>>>pay up.  In the end she had to be dragged away by the police.  They
>>>tried to press charges for harassment, but unfortunately your mother
>>>has connections. My aunt Beria is the chief police officer.  Another
>>>police officer is your mother's sister-in-law, P.C. Rickshaw.   Beria
>>>and P.C. Rickshaw let family ties interfere with justice.  The staff
>>>at the hospital felt they had a very raw deal.
>>>  "So they were more then willing to help me get you away from your
>>>mothers clutches.  Even without the bribe that I offered them.  They
>>>lied to your mother about your activation day"
>>>"What's that mean?"
>>>"That's the day your cochlear implant gets switched on.  They have to
>>>let your head heal first before they can expose you to sound.  That's
>>>when you first start to hear.  Anyway they pretended your activation
>>>day was a week later then it actually was.   A nurse sneaked you out
>>>of the hospital.  She even helped me to board you onto Talmon's back
>>>after you had been activated.  So I flew you here.
>>>"Of course mother soon found out what had happened.  Luckily Talmon
>>>was with me.  Talmon picked her up in his sharp claws and dropped her
>>>into the sea.  The next time she paid us a visit Talmon kept blowing
>>>jets of flames at her, until she agreed to leave our property..."
>>>"She didn't get burnt?"
>>>"No, she is a powerful witch, so she could put up a shielding charm,
>>>to protect her body from the flames.  She has never been back with
>>>Talmon guarding us, but I sense her waiting, biding her time to
>>>strike, when Talmon is not around.
>>>"Now that will have to do for a story today. I'm very tired.  I didn't
>>>sleep too well in the hospital bed.  I was too worried about how you
>>>and Talmon would cope without me.  Another thing, Talmon now knows
>>>what human children eat, so you won't get away with omitting the salad
>>>again."
>>>
>>>
>>>                 ***  ***  ***
>>>
>>>
>>>Aunt Liza spent a lot of time with me, while her legs were on the
>>>mend.  She would read to me from picture books that all seemed to
>>>feature flying children.    We would sit on the luxuriously thick
>>>green carpet together.  Dragon living quarters are very spacious
>>>affairs.  The room was the size of a large hall. The walls were lined
>>>with large metal shelves.   The ceiling was so high that it was out of
>>>my range of vision, and so were most of the top shelves.  Aunt Liza
>>>told me that there were several hooks on the ceiling where things were
>>>suspended from, including a giant hammock, where Liza and the dragon
>>>sometimes lay together.
>>>     I would be scribbling all over Liza's plaster casts when Talmon
>>>came to sit right next to us on the carpet.   He watched Liza
>>>intently, through half-closed yellow eyes.   His hands would reach out
>>>and stroke my aunt's long curly black hair.  His hands were very
>>>similar to human hands except for the scales.   His legs were short
>>>and stubby with sharp claws at the end of his feet. Liza regularly
>>>spent time trimming his claws. He had large bat-like wings that he
>>>often stretched, creating a light breeze against my face.  When fully
>>>stretched out his wings were twice as long as his body.    I used to
>>>peer inquisitively at him, reaching out and stroking his beautiful
>>>shiny back.    Aunt Liza would gaze adoringly at him.
>>>At that point Bella would often remind us of her presence by pawing at
>>>us.  So I stroked her as well.  I was so happy when we were all
>>>together like this.
>>>
>>>              ***   ***  ***
>>>
>>>At other times my aunt would insist on speaking to me while using a
>>>system that involved special hand movements called cued speech.  I
>>>would have to peer into her face in order to read her lips.
>>>  "I've been told not to use any sign language with you.  Beria says
>>>you don't need sign language with your cochlear implant.  She wants
>>>you to just rely on your cochlear implant to hear with.  What does she
>>>know about it anyway? She doesn't wear a cochlear implant, like we
>>>do."
>>>"Who's Beria?" I asked, thinking the name sounded familiar. I decided
>>>then and there that I didn't like Beria at all.
>>>"She's my aunt, and her dragon is friends with Talmon.  She's got a
>>>deafblind mother who doesn't use sign language, so she assumes the
>>>rest of us shouldn't use it either.  I am going to show them all how
>>>well you can do, with both systems.  You are not going to have to
>>>strain to lip read and decipher cued speech all the time like I was
>>>put through."
>>>"I thought you said your Nanny was Deaf and used sign language?"
>>>"Yes, that's right.  Talmon found Shania for me.  She is part of a big
>>>deaf community in Nassoli where I used to live.  In Nassoli everyone
>>>signs.  I could sign fluently and I was fully literate.
>>>Unfortunately Beria didn't think much of my speech.   She said I
>>>wouldn't ever amount to much unless I was taken away from that signing
>>>environment.  She persuaded Talmon to have me taught orally at Druzil
>>>School for the Deaf and the Blind.
>>>"Lip-reading is all very well but it involves a lot of guess work.
>>>Especially since I was born profoundly deaf and didn't get a cochlear
>>>implant until I was eighteen as they didn't exist while I was growing
>>>up. Even now with my cochlear implant, I still need to lip read.
>>>There are also times when I have to remove the speech processor to
>>>stop it getting damaged, like when I do my parachute training.    I
>>>find the instructions too hard to understand when I'm trying to
>>>decipher their lip patterns.   I get so lost that they may as well be
>>>using a foreign language.  No wonder I got the instructions wrong and
>>>end up in hospital with two broken legs"
>>>
>>>                              ***  ***  **
>>>
>>>
>>>In the early hours of the morning Aunt Liza shook me awake.   She gave
>>>me some clothes and my hearing devices to wear.  I then had to climb
>>>down a ladder into the basement where most of the dogs lived.
>>>"Beauty, Bramble and Beans aren't quite as soft as Bella," my aunt
>>>signed, "Bella's exceptionally good with children, which is why I
>>>trust her to spend so much time in your company.  They can be trusted
>>>but I would rather you kept your distance.   Don't try to hug or
>>>cuddle them and they should be okay.   I've had Beauty for a long
>>>time. She's quite old now.     The others are all failed police dogs.
>>>Bella, Bramble and Beans failed because they were too soft.  It's not
>>>what they are looking for in a police dog.   My other three are more
>>>aggressive.  I'm keeping you out of their way until you are older.  I
>>>had another dog when I was younger, but your mother set fire to her."
>>>"Why did she do that?" I asked.  I was quite horrified at the idea.
>>>"Because she's a cruel hearted monster, that's why. Let's go."
>>>  Like most homes in Darthrila, the main entrance was situated on the 
>>> roof.
>>>  There was a second way out through a dog flap and down a narrow
>>>tunnel in the basement, which the dogs and I used to crawl through.
>>>This led to an outdoor dog run.  I could see nothing at all in the
>>>darkness outside.  I took a few careful steps forward.  My
>>>outstretched hand reached a wire mesh fence.  I trailed my hand along
>>>the fence until I could feel the wrought iron gate.   I sniffed the
>>>smells from the nearby beach, while I waited for Liza to get there.
>>>Normally the sea air delighted me, but today I felt sad, thinking
>>>about the poor murdered dog.
>>>Aunt Liza was too big to get out of the dog flap.   She used to abseil
>>>down from the roof instead.
>>>I felt a sense of relief when Liza's hand touched mine.  When Aunt
>>>Liza had told me about my mother burning Liza's dog it reminded me of
>>>the other story, about how I had needed to be rescued.  The more I
>>>thought about it, the more fretful I became.
>>>As Liza opened the gate, I felt several furry bodies squeezing past
>>>me.  Liza said something I didn't hear, because of the sound of
>>>seagulls and the crashing of waves.  Then the dogs started barking.
>>>"Could you please repeat that," I asked, reaching for her hands so I
>>>could feel what she was signing.
>>>"I was talking to the dogs.  What's the matter Nadia?" Liza said.  As
>>>it was so dark she was using tactile sign language.   A system where I
>>>lightly touched her hands while she signed, so I could feel what she
>>>was signing to me.
>>>"You said mother set fire to one of your dogs.  Would she set fire to me
>>> too?"
>>>"She won't get the chance, while you are here with me.  You are safe
>>>right now; Talmon is watching us from the roof.  He's guarding us..."
>>>I hoped my aunt was right.
>>>"What if she set fire to Talmon?"
>>>"Killing a dragon is a capital offence in Darthrila.  The police would
>>>come and execute her.   Even Beria's influence wouldn't help for an
>>>offence as serious as that. There would be one wicked witch less in
>>>the world. Wouldn't that be great?"
>>>We both held on to a dog each.  They led us for a walk along the sandy
>>>beach, which was not far from where we lived.    I could feel the cold
>>>wet sand under my bare feet.
>>>"Quick! Get under this blanket.  I think I can hear someone coming" My
>>>aunt signed. I felt my aunt's hands shake as she signed in frantic
>>>jerky movements.
>>>"I thought you said Talmon..."
>>>"Never mind Talmon, you could be dead by the time he gets to us" she
>>>told me.    She grabbed me in quivering hands, and pushed me under a
>>>coarse blanket which smelt strongly of dogs.  I sensed her fear as we
>>>waited for whoever it was to leave.
>>>
>>>_______________________________________________
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>>><http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>
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