[stylist] A deafbling girl (chapter 2)
helene ryles
dreamavdb at googlemail.com
Sun Sep 6 19:55:50 UTC 2009
Hi Judith,
Thanks for the suggested titles. I'll have to think about that.
It was originally called "The Squib" but now I'm no longer using that
word it changed to "A Deafblind girl".
Maybe I could just call it "Dragons and Dumans"?
Helene
On 06/09/2009, Judith Bron <jbron at optonline.net> wrote:
> Here's just a few ideas that can be disregarded with no problem:
> The Disappointment
> Wrong Gender
> Never to be Right
>
> ----- Original Message -----
> From: "helene ryles" <dreamavdb at googlemail.com>
> To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Sunday, September 06, 2009 12:35 AM
> Subject: Re: [stylist] A deafbling girl (chapter 2)
>
>
>> Hi James and Judith,
>> I'm glad you liked my story.
>>
>> The origin of the title is because Nadia disapoints her mom on three
>> accounts:
>>
>> She's born female when her mom wanted a son.
>> Shes a Duman instead of being magically able.
>> She's still deafblind despite having eye surgery and and a Cochlear
>> implant.
>>
>> It's not totally fixed though. If a better title came up and maybe
>> made it more publishable I'd go for it.
>>
>> Helene.
>>
>> On 06/09/2009, James Canaday M.A. N6YR <n6yr at sunflower.com> wrote:
>>> Helene,
>>> I was thinking about your book during my long walk with my dog this
>>> afternoon.
>>>
>>> I like your writing, it is engaging and vivid. in fact, sometimes it
>>> seems likt it could use a little scene and landscape just to pace it
>>> a little, it moves so flat-out. but that's not such a bad thing.
>>>
>>> my major comment is this: "a defblind girl" as a title? I also like
>>> shorter titles. but perhaps a title more tied to the magic, or the
>>> emotional struggles in the story would fit better and would better
>>> identify your story.
>>>
>>> I do not like long titles like: "Upon the upside of the towering rock
>>> in the town square, or: how I lost my sense of innocence and became
>>> an adult in the 20th century upon my 21st birthday in an accident ..."
>>> I was required to make my masters thesis title far clugier than I
>>> wanted. I think its maybe fourteen words long!
>>>
>>> anyway, keep the simplicity of the title, but perhaps closer to the
>>> characters or the story?
>>>
>>> reads very well Helene!
>>>
>>> oh, I think "snuck" might be better in that one place than "sneaked."
>>> jc
>>> Jim Canaday M.A.
>>> Lawrence, KS
>>>
>>> At 03:49 PM 9/5/2009, you wrote:
>>>>Chapter 2
>>>>First memories by Nadia Murat (1989)
>>>>
>>>>Where has Aunt Liza got to? She should be here by now, but she wasn't.
>>>>I lay huddled on my bedroom floor, feeling more anxious by the minute.
>>>>A wet and slightly abrasive tongue licks my face. It was Bella the
>>>>Growlin Shepherd, a failed police dog who slept on the bottom bunk.
>>>>I let her continue to lick my face. Then I wrapped my arms around her
>>>>large furry neck.
>>>>We were in a large spacious room full of toys and picture books. I
>>>>had a bunk bed that I shared with Bella. She had the bottom bunk and I
>>>>slept in the top.
>>>> We had been expecting Liza to arrive soon after my babysitter left
>>>>for the day, only she left hours ago. Where on earth could my aunt
>>>>have got to?
>>>>My anxiety rose as the sun stopped shining from my small slit of a
>>>>bedroom window. We began to get very anxious.
>>>>My aunt did not come back that night.
>>>>Instead the dragon came. He was about twelve foot long and four foot
>>>>high. His beautiful copper coloured skin had a lovely smooth texture
>>>>to it. I usually loved to stroke him, but today I was too worried
>>>>about my aunt's failure to arrive.
>>>>"I want my auntie. Where is she?" I demanded, stamping my foot.
>>>>Suddenly, an image of Liza flashed into my mind. The image came from
>>>>the Dragon who was communicating to me using Dramic, which is a
>>>>telepathic language via words and images.
>>>>In this image I saw Liza in a whitewashed hallway full of sick people.
>>>> She was lying down in a sort of large trolley. There was something
>>>>wrong with her legs, which were at an odd angle. She seemed to be in
>>>>a lot of pain. I recognised that place. I'd been there before but I
>>>>couldn't remember when. I just remembered that it smelt strongly of
>>>>disinfectant and the well lit waiting room lights had hurt my eyes.
>>>>I next visualized a bowl of dog food.
>>>>"I can't eat that," I protested in sign language.
>>>>I visualized a little girl with an empty bowl. The message ended with
>>>>a question mark.
>>>>"Ice-cream, candy and a large packet of cookies," I told him. This
>>>>was not my usual diet but the dragon didn't seem to know this. He
>>>>came back with the food I had asked for. I shared the rest of the
>>>>cookies with Bella after she had finished her dog food.
>>>>The food distracted me for a short while, but once it had been eaten
>>>>my anxiety returned with renewed force. What was wrong with my aunt's
>>>>legs? Would she ever be ok again? I was unable to get to sleep so I
>>>>began to pace from my bedroom to the toilet and back. My stomach felt
>>>>very delicate. I ended up returning most of the food that the dragon
>>>>had brought me in the toilet, which fortunately was next door to my
>>>>bedroom.
>>>>What would I do if Aunt Liza never came back? Even Bella's furry form
>>>>was unable to pacify me for long.
>>>>
>>>> *** *** ***
>>>>
>>>>I woke to feel a scaly hand nudging me, handing me my aphakic glasses
>>>>which I wore firmly attached to my head by an elastic strap. Another
>>>>large scaly hand wrapped itself around my chest, tugging me towards
>>>>him. At that point I began to rise. I looked up to see a large pair
>>>>of wings moving back and forth towards the ceiling. The dragon took
>>>>me out of the door to the living room. Like most doors in homes owned
>>>>by dragons, it was situated on the ceiling.
>>>>To my great relief, the dragon dropped me onto the thick green carpet,
>>>>in front of Aunt Liza. She had returned at last.
>>>>I picked myself up, rushing to hug my aunt, who sat propped up with
>>>>various cushions on the floor. Both her legs were covered with a
>>>>couple of large white plaster casts.
>>>> Aunt Liza is very pretty, with light grey skin and long black curly
>>>>hair like mine. She wore a loose red dress. Around her neck she had
>>>>a black cylinder shape called a Monocular. She used it to help her
>>>>see.
>>>>Today there was an anxious look in her dark brown eyes. She put on a
>>>>bright smile when she saw me, but it did not stay on her face for
>>>>long.
>>>>"I was so worried about you last night," I complained using Darthrilan
>>>>sign language.
>>>>"Sorry Nadia. Yesterday I did my parachute training. Unfortunately I
>>>>messed up on the landing. If you fetch me one of your picture books I
>>>>will read to you."
>>>> "I don't want you to read from a picture book today. I want you to
>>>>tell me a real live story..."
>>>>My aunt gave an exasperated sigh. She sat motionless for a few
>>>>minutes, deep in thought.
>>>>"Ok, I'll tell you a story then. I'll tell you how you came here in
>>>>the first place."
>>>>"Wasn't I born here?"
>>>>"No, you weren't. You were born in a hospital somewhere in Darthrila.
>>>> I forget which one, but after that your mother took you back to
>>>>Nazdonia with her. You lived there until your triplet sisters were
>>>>born. I took care of you while your mother was in hospital. After
>>>>that I felt it necessary to rescue you"
>>>>"Why did you do that?"
>>>>"Your mother is a wicked witch. You weren't being properly cared for
>>>>and she was forever hitting you and your sister, even then"
>>>>"Just one sister? I thought you said there were triplets?"
>>>>"That's right, but the other two triplets were being cared for by
>>>>other relatives as your mother didn't want them around. Anyway your
>>>>sister died after your mother shook her. Unfortunately your mother
>>>>insisted on keeping you with her, and your father wasn't man enough to
>>>>protect you from her, so I had to do something about it"
>>>>"How?"
>>>>"You were in Darthrila at the time. You were having your cochlear
>>>>implant. Normally when you have a cochlear implant you don't get to
>>>>stay in hospital for so long as you did. When I had my cochlear
>>>>implant, I only stayed overnight and went back home the following
>>>>morning.
>>>>"However, you were very small and malnourished with a lot of
>>>>suspicious looking bruising. The audiologists considered your home
>>>>life in Nazdonia too unhealthy to recover in. They were very
>>>>concerned about your mother's behaviour. So you stayed in the
>>>>children's ward for several weeks.
>>>>"Your mother expected you to hear normally straight after you were
>>>>implanted. When you obviously couldn't, she got very angry, demanding
>>>>a full refund. She put the painful curse on several of the hospital
>>>>staff, and even threatened to curse their whole family if they didn't
>>>>pay up. In the end she had to be dragged away by the police. They
>>>>tried to press charges for harassment, but unfortunately your mother
>>>>has connections. My aunt Beria is the chief police officer. Another
>>>>police officer is your mother's sister-in-law, P.C. Rickshaw. Beria
>>>>and P.C. Rickshaw let family ties interfere with justice. The staff
>>>>at the hospital felt they had a very raw deal.
>>>> "So they were more then willing to help me get you away from your
>>>>mothers clutches. Even without the bribe that I offered them. They
>>>>lied to your mother about your activation day"
>>>>"What's that mean?"
>>>>"That's the day your cochlear implant gets switched on. They have to
>>>>let your head heal first before they can expose you to sound. That's
>>>>when you first start to hear. Anyway they pretended your activation
>>>>day was a week later then it actually was. A nurse sneaked you out
>>>>of the hospital. She even helped me to board you onto Talmon's back
>>>>after you had been activated. So I flew you here.
>>>>"Of course mother soon found out what had happened. Luckily Talmon
>>>>was with me. Talmon picked her up in his sharp claws and dropped her
>>>>into the sea. The next time she paid us a visit Talmon kept blowing
>>>>jets of flames at her, until she agreed to leave our property..."
>>>>"She didn't get burnt?"
>>>>"No, she is a powerful witch, so she could put up a shielding charm,
>>>>to protect her body from the flames. She has never been back with
>>>>Talmon guarding us, but I sense her waiting, biding her time to
>>>>strike, when Talmon is not around.
>>>>"Now that will have to do for a story today. I'm very tired. I didn't
>>>>sleep too well in the hospital bed. I was too worried about how you
>>>>and Talmon would cope without me. Another thing, Talmon now knows
>>>>what human children eat, so you won't get away with omitting the salad
>>>>again."
>>>>
>>>>
>>>> *** *** ***
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Aunt Liza spent a lot of time with me, while her legs were on the
>>>>mend. She would read to me from picture books that all seemed to
>>>>feature flying children. We would sit on the luxuriously thick
>>>>green carpet together. Dragon living quarters are very spacious
>>>>affairs. The room was the size of a large hall. The walls were lined
>>>>with large metal shelves. The ceiling was so high that it was out of
>>>>my range of vision, and so were most of the top shelves. Aunt Liza
>>>>told me that there were several hooks on the ceiling where things were
>>>>suspended from, including a giant hammock, where Liza and the dragon
>>>>sometimes lay together.
>>>> I would be scribbling all over Liza's plaster casts when Talmon
>>>>came to sit right next to us on the carpet. He watched Liza
>>>>intently, through half-closed yellow eyes. His hands would reach out
>>>>and stroke my aunt's long curly black hair. His hands were very
>>>>similar to human hands except for the scales. His legs were short
>>>>and stubby with sharp claws at the end of his feet. Liza regularly
>>>>spent time trimming his claws. He had large bat-like wings that he
>>>>often stretched, creating a light breeze against my face. When fully
>>>>stretched out his wings were twice as long as his body. I used to
>>>>peer inquisitively at him, reaching out and stroking his beautiful
>>>>shiny back. Aunt Liza would gaze adoringly at him.
>>>>At that point Bella would often remind us of her presence by pawing at
>>>>us. So I stroked her as well. I was so happy when we were all
>>>>together like this.
>>>>
>>>> *** *** ***
>>>>
>>>>At other times my aunt would insist on speaking to me while using a
>>>>system that involved special hand movements called cued speech. I
>>>>would have to peer into her face in order to read her lips.
>>>> "I've been told not to use any sign language with you. Beria says
>>>>you don't need sign language with your cochlear implant. She wants
>>>>you to just rely on your cochlear implant to hear with. What does she
>>>>know about it anyway? She doesn't wear a cochlear implant, like we
>>>>do."
>>>>"Who's Beria?" I asked, thinking the name sounded familiar. I decided
>>>>then and there that I didn't like Beria at all.
>>>>"She's my aunt, and her dragon is friends with Talmon. She's got a
>>>>deafblind mother who doesn't use sign language, so she assumes the
>>>>rest of us shouldn't use it either. I am going to show them all how
>>>>well you can do, with both systems. You are not going to have to
>>>>strain to lip read and decipher cued speech all the time like I was
>>>>put through."
>>>>"I thought you said your Nanny was Deaf and used sign language?"
>>>>"Yes, that's right. Talmon found Shania for me. She is part of a big
>>>>deaf community in Nassoli where I used to live. In Nassoli everyone
>>>>signs. I could sign fluently and I was fully literate.
>>>>Unfortunately Beria didn't think much of my speech. She said I
>>>>wouldn't ever amount to much unless I was taken away from that signing
>>>>environment. She persuaded Talmon to have me taught orally at Druzil
>>>>School for the Deaf and the Blind.
>>>>"Lip-reading is all very well but it involves a lot of guess work.
>>>>Especially since I was born profoundly deaf and didn't get a cochlear
>>>>implant until I was eighteen as they didn't exist while I was growing
>>>>up. Even now with my cochlear implant, I still need to lip read.
>>>>There are also times when I have to remove the speech processor to
>>>>stop it getting damaged, like when I do my parachute training. I
>>>>find the instructions too hard to understand when I'm trying to
>>>>decipher their lip patterns. I get so lost that they may as well be
>>>>using a foreign language. No wonder I got the instructions wrong and
>>>>end up in hospital with two broken legs"
>>>>
>>>> *** *** **
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>In the early hours of the morning Aunt Liza shook me awake. She gave
>>>>me some clothes and my hearing devices to wear. I then had to climb
>>>>down a ladder into the basement where most of the dogs lived.
>>>>"Beauty, Bramble and Beans aren't quite as soft as Bella," my aunt
>>>>signed, "Bella's exceptionally good with children, which is why I
>>>>trust her to spend so much time in your company. They can be trusted
>>>>but I would rather you kept your distance. Don't try to hug or
>>>>cuddle them and they should be okay. I've had Beauty for a long
>>>>time. She's quite old now. The others are all failed police dogs.
>>>>Bella, Bramble and Beans failed because they were too soft. It's not
>>>>what they are looking for in a police dog. My other three are more
>>>>aggressive. I'm keeping you out of their way until you are older. I
>>>>had another dog when I was younger, but your mother set fire to her."
>>>>"Why did she do that?" I asked. I was quite horrified at the idea.
>>>>"Because she's a cruel hearted monster, that's why. Let's go."
>>>> Like most homes in Darthrila, the main entrance was situated on the
>>>> roof.
>>>> There was a second way out through a dog flap and down a narrow
>>>>tunnel in the basement, which the dogs and I used to crawl through.
>>>>This led to an outdoor dog run. I could see nothing at all in the
>>>>darkness outside. I took a few careful steps forward. My
>>>>outstretched hand reached a wire mesh fence. I trailed my hand along
>>>>the fence until I could feel the wrought iron gate. I sniffed the
>>>>smells from the nearby beach, while I waited for Liza to get there.
>>>>Normally the sea air delighted me, but today I felt sad, thinking
>>>>about the poor murdered dog.
>>>>Aunt Liza was too big to get out of the dog flap. She used to abseil
>>>>down from the roof instead.
>>>>I felt a sense of relief when Liza's hand touched mine. When Aunt
>>>>Liza had told me about my mother burning Liza's dog it reminded me of
>>>>the other story, about how I had needed to be rescued. The more I
>>>>thought about it, the more fretful I became.
>>>>As Liza opened the gate, I felt several furry bodies squeezing past
>>>>me. Liza said something I didn't hear, because of the sound of
>>>>seagulls and the crashing of waves. Then the dogs started barking.
>>>>"Could you please repeat that," I asked, reaching for her hands so I
>>>>could feel what she was signing.
>>>>"I was talking to the dogs. What's the matter Nadia?" Liza said. As
>>>>it was so dark she was using tactile sign language. A system where I
>>>>lightly touched her hands while she signed, so I could feel what she
>>>>was signing to me.
>>>>"You said mother set fire to one of your dogs. Would she set fire to me
>>>> too?"
>>>>"She won't get the chance, while you are here with me. You are safe
>>>>right now; Talmon is watching us from the roof. He's guarding us..."
>>>>I hoped my aunt was right.
>>>>"What if she set fire to Talmon?"
>>>>"Killing a dragon is a capital offence in Darthrila. The police would
>>>>come and execute her. Even Beria's influence wouldn't help for an
>>>>offence as serious as that. There would be one wicked witch less in
>>>>the world. Wouldn't that be great?"
>>>>We both held on to a dog each. They led us for a walk along the sandy
>>>>beach, which was not far from where we lived. I could feel the cold
>>>>wet sand under my bare feet.
>>>>"Quick! Get under this blanket. I think I can hear someone coming" My
>>>>aunt signed. I felt my aunt's hands shake as she signed in frantic
>>>>jerky movements.
>>>>"I thought you said Talmon..."
>>>>"Never mind Talmon, you could be dead by the time he gets to us" she
>>>>told me. She grabbed me in quivering hands, and pushed me under a
>>>>coarse blanket which smelt strongly of dogs. I sensed her fear as we
>>>>waited for whoever it was to leave.
>>>>
>>>>_______________________________________________
>>>>Writers Division web site:
>>>>http://www.nfb-writers-division.org
>>>><http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>
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