[stylist] DBG 7 (completely new chapter)

[Barbara Hammel]

Actually, We have never met Mr. Murat before but must assume he's there 
since there are these children.  I also don't recall meeting Ariella or Nora 
before.
I think this book needs a list of the cast of characters at the beginning.
In fact, that would be a good idea.  It would help us know who's on first, 
so to speak.
Barbara

If wisdom's ways you wisely seek, five things observe with care:  of whom 
you speak, to whom you speak, and how and when and where.

--------------------------------------------------
From: "Shelley J. Alongi" <qobells at roadrunner.com>
Sent: Wednesday, September 16, 2009 12:12 AM
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: Re: [stylist] DBG 7 (completely new chapter)

> HI Helene and Everyone, I've been reading the chapters The writing is not 
> too bad at all. The introduction of different characters in chapter 7 is a 
> bit confusing only because it detracts from the first five chapters. I'm 
> not sure what the idea behind the story is. Maybe this is a series of 
> vignettes about characters who all encounter Nadia or maybe it's about 
> nadiea's life. I'm not sure I see where the end of this is and what's 
> coming. the storytelling part of the chapters is nice but I find this 
> chapter the most confusing because it suddenly contains all these other 
> characters and ends with a discussion of the painful curse on the nurses. 
> I'm not sure what the "painful curse" is. The time sequences in the story 
> are a little confusing, too, though I'm famous for flashbacks in my own 
> writing but I try to preface them with paragraphs explaining that we're 
> flashing back to a different time. Take this or leave it it's your story 
> and you can write it how you like but know that there is some confusion to 
> the time elements. It jumps all over the place and just when I think I've 
> figured out the direction I'm confused again. Maybe I'm just confused, 
> chuckles.
>
> Something else I notice is that you use a lot of germs that are foreign to 
> me not being familiar with the deaf comunity or more specifically the 
> deafblind community. I'm not sure of the different methods for teaching 
> the deaf and so I think that if I were picking this up as a person off the 
> street and reading it that I'd soon put it down due to lack of familiarity 
> with the subject. I struggle with this myself andam happy when people 
> point it out to me most recently in chapter one of my story I sent to the 
> list. While we don't want to talk down to people in our writing we might 
> want to include some explanation of the methods used; these explanations 
> don't have to be lengthy, perhaps only short enough to generally explain 
> what we mean. The different types of speech and sign confuse me and so not 
> being familiar with these methods and not particularly interested as a 
> general reader I might find myself turning away from the story.
>
> The only other big thing is the sentence structure. Sometimes you switch 
> tenses in the middle of the paragraphs telling the story in the present 
> and then the past. I have to watch myself on that, too, but it can be a 
> little disconcerting to read one sentence in the past and then read the 
> next in the present. I write all this knowing I'm not flawless but having 
> seen some of these qualities in my own writing I'm always striving to 
> improve them. Hope that helps. Keep up the good work.
> Shelley J. Alongi
> Home Office: (714)869-3207
> **
> NFBWD "Slate and Style" editor
> http://www.nfb-writers-division.org
>
> **
> To read essays on my journey through the Chatsworth train accident, 
> Metrolink 111 or other interests click on 
> http://www.storymania.com/cgibin/sm2/smshowauthorbox.cgi?page=&author=AlongiSJ&alpha=A
>
> updated September 13, 2009
> ----- Original Message ----- 
> From: "helene ryles" <dreamavdb at googlemail.com>
> To: "A private list for authors" <DB-AUTHORS at tr.wou.edu>; "bookel" 
> <bookel1 at gmail.com>; "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Tuesday, September 15, 2009 11:02 AM
> Subject: [stylist] DBG 7 (completely new chapter)
>
>
> Chapter 7:
> Why I rescued Nadia, by Liza Bronze.
> 1986
>
> I was leaving Druzil general infirmary, when I first met Nadia and her
> father.   Not that I realised who he was at the time.  I just noticed
> a small timid man with a tiny malnourished infant on his lap.
> The man was grey-skinned with the same brown eyes as his baby.  The
> infant’s eyes were magnified with a pair of Aphakic glasses that were
> attached to her head with elastic.  They were the sort of glasses that
> I used to wear as a child.  That alone drew my interest.  I was also
> curious because it is not too often that you see men taking care of
> their own children.
> I could tell by their long tunics and matching trousers that they were
> of Nazdonian heritage.   They both looked quite battered and their
> clothes were in much need of repair.    They were sitting just outside
> the hospital on a rough camel haired blanket, and were surrounded by
> their luggage.
> I mistook them for homeless people so I reached out for some change to
> give them.
> “No thank you.  We’re just here while my wife gives birth to the
> triplets.  I meant to book a hotel but there was no room.  I have to
> stay here tonight.  I’ll try again tomorrow.”
> “I wouldn’t bother with that.  We’re in the middle of the tourist
> season so you have to book well in advance if you hope to get
> accommodation here.”
> “Oh dear, we didn’t think of that. This was just meant to be a holiday
> before my wife was due, but the triplets have decided to come very
> early.  We hadn’t even booked into a hotel when my wife’s contractions
> started.  We’ve been spending most of today locating the nearest
> materiality ward.”
> “I don’t live far.  You can come and stay at mine,” I offered.  I was
> very curious to find out more about this pair.
> “God bless you! That would be much appreciated.  I was very worried
> about my son Nadir staying out doors tonight, as I’ve heard nights out
> here are quite chilly. I don’t want Nadir to catch anything. We’ve
> already lost one child.  I would hate to lose another.”
> After that, one thing led to another.  I let them stay for as long as
> they wanted.  I even volunteered to baby sit Nadia for him.  Mr Murat
> was very grateful for that offer, as he wanted to spend as much time
> as he could with his wife.
> It was while I was changing Nadia’s diaper that I discovered Nadia to
> be female.
>
> “Why do you call her Nadir?  That‘s a male name,” I asked when Mr
> Murat next came round to check on his daughter.
> “Well, it’s a male child,” he blandly replied.
> “No she is not male.   You can check her bits if you don’t believe me.”
> “I will do nothing of the sort.   What kind of man do you take me for?”
> “An idiot, all you need to do is…”
> “Shut up!” he interrupted.
> I tried to finish my sentence but found I could not speak a word.   I
> hadn’t realised Mr Murat was also a witch.
> I asked him for my voice back using sign language, but he obviously
> didn‘t understand how to communicate that way, despite the fact that
> his child was profoundly deaf.
> Mr Murat left while I was getting pen and paper out, so I could repeat
> my request that way.
> In the end I had to send Talmon to find him.  Talmon came back in the
> early hours of the morning, without Mr Murat.
> “Where is he?” I signed.
> I visualized the image of a drunken Mr Murat, asleep at the front gate.
> “Could you fetch him for me?”
> I visualized Talmon attempting to pick Mr Murat up in his claws, but
> being blocked by a shielding charm.
>
> At dawn I abseiled down the side of the house.  I was feeling
> particularly irritable since I’d not been able to sleep at all that
> night.  I’d been agitated by the spell, and my agitation rubbed off on
> Nadia.  I couldn’t stop her crying.
> I soon found Mr Murat asleep near the gate, where Talmon had found him
> last night. I roughly shook him awake.
> “I want my voice back!” I wrote.
> “What has this got to do with me?” he asked when I finally got him up.
> “You put a spell on me.  I want my voice back,” I wrote with shaking
> hands.  I was incensed with rage by his response.  I hadn’t spent all
> that time in speech therapy, just to have some witch deprive me of
> speech altogether.
> “I couldn’t have, I’m a duman.”
> “Yesterday you put a curse on me, to deprive me of my voice, and then
> you prevented Talmon from picking you up by means of a shielding
> charm.  If that’s not magic, what is?  So could you kindly give me
> back my voice?”
> “I’m not a witch!”
> I had enough of this.  I’m not normally a violent person, but I was
> incensed with rage at this point.  I rushed at Mr Murat meaning to
> whack him with the note pad I was carrying, but I found my way barred
> by a shielding charm.  It was like trying to throw myself at a rubbery
> mass; I simply bounced off and landed a few feet away.
> “Are you alright?” Mr Murat asked me in some concern.
> I pointed to my throat.
> “You should be able to speak now.  I’m sorry about that.  If only you
> would understand.  I never wanted to be born a witch.  Mother used to
> get so upset whenever I worked magic, so I vowed never to do it
> again…”
> “You disgust me, you repellent creep! If only I could work magic, I
> would be delighted.  What kind of man are you?  You were born with
> this wonderful gift, and now you don‘t even want it.   Get lost!  I
> never want to see you again!” I shouted.
> “What about Nadir?”
> “I’ll take care of your daughter for you, as she is only a baby and
> can’t help having such lousy parents, but you can find accommodations
> elsewhere.”
>
>                ***  ***  ***
>
>
> “How dare you seduce my husband, as soon as my back is turned”
> Madrella screamed.  She came storming over on her flying carpet as
> soon as the triplets were out and she had taken time to recuperate
> sufficiently.
> “You got to be kidding! Your husband is the last man I‘d sleep with…”
> “Don’t lie to me, you miserable duman.  The neighbours heard you
> arguing and I sense his guilt.  Now go and fetch my child.”
> “If your husband feels guilty,   it’s probably because he put a spell
> on me, causing me to lose my voice…”
> “You will lose it again permanently if you don’t fetch Nadir, right now.”
> “Why did you give a female child a male name and lie to your husband
> about it,” I demanded.
> “There, I knew you were up to something.  How dare you stir things up
> in this way?  You’ve slept with my husband haven‘t you. Why else would
> you invite him to stay?”
> “No, I only invited them as they had nowhere else to go, and I was
> curious as to why they were both covered in bruises…”
> “Why don’t you just mind your own business?  A parent has a right to
> use corporal punishment when their child misbehaves.”
> “I suppose you extend that right to your husband too? How do you get
> past his shielding charm?”
> “Has he been whining to you then? As to his paltry little shielding
> charms, I have a little spell of my own to prevent him from putting
> that up. My magic is a lot stronger then his. Now you better fetch
> Nadir or I‘ll…”
> “Do you really think I’d return a child to an evil murderer like you?”
> It was after I said that, that she punched me in the face.
> While I lay clutching my eye she pushed roughly past me.  I can only
> assume that she went into fetch Nadia, since she was nowhere to be
> found when I recovered sufficiently from the blow.
> Madrella had punched me so hard that my left retina got detached.  I
> had only just had that eye operated on, so it was extremely delicate
> at the time.  Madrella should have noticed that since the eye was
> still covered with a bandage.  I lost the sight in that eye.
> Madrella was not even prosecuted for doing that to me.
> To add insult to injury Madrella made false claims that she had caught
> me and her husband in bed together, and for some reason Mr Murat never
> contradicted her story.  So whenever I did complain about what
> Madrella did to me, I was just told I was ‘asking for it’.
>
>               ***  ***  ***
>
>
> Four months later, Mr Murat came to see me again.  Talmon asked me if
> he should allow him to come up, but I didn’t want to see him again so
> we just left him there.
> He was still hanging round when I went out with my dogs, the following 
> morning.
> “I’m sorry!” He cried wringing his hands in a truly dejected manner.
> “So you should be.  After all the trouble you got me into, when we last 
> met.”
> “Please Liza, I’ve made a big mistake, but I’m really sorry about
> that.    I want to know if you will agree to take Nadir in.  My wife
> doesn‘t understand his needs.”
> “Oh really, and you‘ve only just noticed!”
> “Please! My wife gets so angry you see.  I had to rush my daughter
> Zakia to the hospital today, but she died before we got there…” Mr
> Murat told me, wiping away a tear.
> “Oh… I see… What happened to the other two triplets?” I asked, my
> voice softening. Despite all that had happened I couldn’t stay mad at
> the wretch at a time like this.
> “They are with your aunt Arielle.  She offered to take care of all
> three triplets because my wife wasn’t interested in them.  She was
> told they were going to be boys, but the doctor obviously made a
> mistake.”
> “Why didn’t you let Arielle look after all of them for you?”
> “They are my daughters.  I was hoping if I introduced them to Madrella
> one at a time, she would feel as much warmth for them as I do…  I made
> a terrible mistake, and now one of them has died,” and with that Mr
> Murat put his head in his hands and burst into tears.
> In the end I invited him in.  When he calmed down he told me what had
> happened two days before.
>
> It was during an argument over how the money for Nadia’s cochlear
> implant was to be raised, that little Zakia died.
> Mr Murat sat bottle feeding Zakia.  Ever so often he glanced anxiously
> at his wife Madrella, who sat painting her toenails.  She dressed in
> gaudy see-through clothes that Mr Murat never approved of, but his
> wife obviously had the upper hand in their relationship.
> Just then little Nadia tottered towards them.  She mimicked being fed.
> Madrella sprang to her feet, boxing Nadia’s ears.  Mr Murat put Zakia
> into her cot and picked little Nadia up, so he could comfort her.
> “He’s supposed to say food.  Not make those dreadful signs.  The
> sooner the money is raised to make the dratted brat hear again the
> better,” Madrella hissed.
> “He is asking for food in his own way.  You should accept the way he is.”
> “Definitely not,   I must say I’m really disappointed that you wasted
> good money on all those eye operations for the triplets, when they are
> only girls.  We are already in dept for that and we haven’t even
> started raising money for Nadir’s cochlear implant yet. Don‘t you dare
> pull out, because if you do I‘ll wring Nadir‘s neck.”
> "Don’t worry dear; we will get the money together for Nadir's cochlear
> implant.  Your aunt Beria's offered to help me get the money together
> in exchange for one of my legs. She wants it for her dragon to eat.”
> "No, you foolish man, I'm not having you sacrifice your leg.  The 
> triplets..."
> "I've thought of the triplets too.  I have an aunt called Nora.   She
> lives near a school for the Deaf in Nassoli.    Nora is happy to take
> care of the triplets while they are at school, in exchange for some
> gold jewellery and electronic goods.  The school fees will be low as
> the school is funded by a charitable organisation for the Deaf
> overseas..."
> "Ah, but will they get an oral education there? I want them to get
> lots of speech therapy. None of that signing that I see the deaf in
> Nassoli make."
> "Dearest Madrella, we must not interfere in the will of god. If god
> wants them to sign, we have to accept that.”
> "God doesn't come into this, you religious idiot.  I don't want
> anything to do with Deafblind triplets.  My sisters Monika and Liza
> were bad enough.  I had mother all to me before Monika came along and
> spoilt it all."
> "But Madrella, the triplets are gods gift to us," Mr Murat exclaimed in 
> horror.
> "Well god can have them back then.  Why don't you let me sell the
> little freaks instead of selling your leg?”
> “No, I would rather lose a leg or two then sell any of my precious
> children.  Besides there is no way a set of deafblind triplets will
> make much money…”
> “They might fetch a good price at a freak show.  They would have done
> even better if you hadn't removed the cataracts.”
> "No!"
> "Well in that case we could just kill them all and sell their organs 
> abroad."
> “Oh Lord! What kind of monster have I married?”
> Before Mr Murat could stop it happening, Madrella grabbed hold of
> Zakia and began to shake her.
> Mr Murat snatched the unconscious baby out of Madrella's hands.  He
> tucked her in a baby sling, before hurriedly saddling and mounting his
> camel.
> The air outside was thick with sand that was blowing everywhere.  He
> struggled through the lethal weather conditions, to get to the nearest
> hospital in Keraina, which is half a day’s ride by camel.   Due to the
> shaking,  the long journey and unfortunate weather conditions, Zakia
> died several hours before getting anywhere near the hospital.
> Mr Murat took Zakia’s body to my father’s house in Keraina, and then
> crossed the borders into Darthrila.   He waited at Keraina railway
> station, so as to catch the first morning train into Druzil.
>
> Of course I just had to take Nadia after he told me all this.   We
> hatched plans as to how to smuggle Nadia out.  Only he never went
> through with the plans.  I waited for days to no avail.   He simply
> never brought her to me.
>
> The next time we met, it was by chance at the local hospital again. I
> had just had another appointment at my eye specialist.  The doctors
> had not been able to reattach my retina.  Now my sight in the other
> eye was giving me problems too.  This was very concerning.   As a deaf
> person I depend heavily on my sight.
> I nearly didn't recognise Mr Murat as he only had one leg and was
> struggling down the corridor on a pair of crutches.
> "What happened?" I asked in concern.
> "It's all right; everything has been sorted out now.  I've had my leg
> amputated and Nadia's just had her cochlear implant put in."
> I had to ask him to repeat himself several times since I was having
> problems taking all this in.  I peered in his face in order to
> Lip-read and turned up my speech processor as far as it would go.
> "I don’t understand. We arranged for me to take care of Nadia.  I
> already told you that I won't implant her yet..." I replied, after a
> stunned silence.
> "That was rather silly of me.  My wife is so sorry about Zakia's
> death. It was all a tragic accident.  She didn't mean to hurt
> Zakia..."
> "That's not what you told me before."
> "I was upset, and may have exaggerated things a little in my grief.
> Everything is as it should be.  My wife would never dream of hurting
> Nadir.  She is desperately keen to keep him with her.    Now I must
> dash, I'm on my way to see Madrella at the local police station."
> "So she's been arrested.  Thank goodness for that."
> "Only for the night, Beria assured me that she should be out today..."
> "What happened?"
> "My wife was a little put out when the cochlear implant failed to
> work, so she started being a little silly with the staff that works
> here.  They called the police and they took her away in one of their
> electro-pedal driven vans.  Now a nice doctor has explained to me that
> the cochlear implant doesn't work immediately after it‘s put in.  You
> have to wait until it's been activated before Nadir can hear anything
> at all.  Unfortunately little Nadir will never be able to hear
> normally, but the doctor is hopeful that he should manage speech after
> we've sorted all the speech therapy out.  Now I must dash.  Come
> tomorrow.  I'll discuss things with you then."
> And with that he was gone.  He left me quite speechless by his idiotic
> behaviour.
> I felt too disgusted with Mr Murat to meet him the following day.   I
> made other plans to rescue Nadia with the hospital staff.  I found
> them very accommodating since they had their own grievances as far as
> Mrs Murat was concerned.  She had put the painful curse on a few of
> the nurses, and she hadn’t even been prosecuted for it.
>
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