[stylist] FLM Chapter 3 for your consideration

[Shelley J. Alongi]

HI Lori, Thanks for your comments and the fixes for the apostrophes and 
such. I notice you are noticing the amount of tears in these first three 
chapters mostly shed by Glen, who by the way, spells his name with one n so 
I'll make sure and fix that. I thought I had and so I'll do that again, 
thanks for pointing that out. Perhaps a note will help and if others who 
read the story whereever they find it see it, they might get it because the 
next chapters aren't so tearful. The first part of this story begins kind of 
in the middle, we have a man who has had a secret for twenty years that has 
affected his ability to form a relationship and so finally when he takes the 
chance it is very overwhelming. I based this story on the primace of what if 
someone had somethign so painful they couldn't share, what would it be like 
if they finally found someone they trusted enough to share the story with. 
It's based partially on truth that really never got resolved. Anyway the 
rest of the story takes us up to this monet and so the tears might be more 
apparent now because we haven't seen the journey Glen and Judy take to get 
to this point. there are more chapters with tears but I think (and I'll have 
to check again) that these are the more tearful ones. I'll send out the next 
two chapters just so you can see what I mean. Thanks for your comments I 
really do appreciate them.
Shelley J. Alongi
Home Office: (714)869-3207
**
NFBWD "Slate and Style" editor
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To read essays on my journey through the Chatsworth train accident, 
Metrolink 111 or other interests click on 
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updated September 13, 2009
----- Original Message ----- 
From: <LoriStay at aol.com>
To: <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Sunday, September 20, 2009 8:25 PM
Subject: Re: [stylist] FLM Chapter 3 for your consideration


> Hi, Shelley.   just a couple of comments from a nitpicking editor!   Read
> on.
>
>
>
>> I was going to do the right thing we were going to get married and raise
>> the baby.
>>
> Need a period after the word "thing."   Otherwise it's a run on sentence.
>
> He let me lie against that couch sick and sobbing
>
> I do wonder if this is a man's personality.   He seems to cry a lot.   I'd
> probably have written, "He let me lie against that couch sick at heart."
>
> getting us safe and sound to wherever we were going. I didn't really have
> time to think about Allison May Handling.
> You might want to break this up by giving us a new paragraph at "I didn't
> really...etc."
>
> Most editors don't like solid blocks of text that go on and on, as it
> causes a problem to sighted readers.
>
> Waving to railfans, tal
> king to people at stations
> you somehow have separated the word talking into two parts here.
>
> that was allfine. But thinking of anything seriously was out of the
> question.
> all fine should be two words.
> And while we're on the subject, all right is also two words.
>
> "Judy loves you, Glen," was all he said. Don't forget that.
> Missing a quote mark by the word "Don't..."
>
> "Well, lets go eat.
> let's has an apostrophe in it.
>
> "You tell me when you can it's okay."
> This should be two sentences.
>
> I took one of my hands and rubbed my eyes
> This is an odd construction.   What else would you rub your eyes with?
> And why "I took one of my hands..."?   Maybe just, "I rubbed my eyes..."
>
> "You do that," she said. "I need to go to the church and help the ladies
> with a baby shower. I'll come by later on in the evening."
>
> "Please do that,"
> The repetition of   "do that..." caught my eye.   Maybe he could just say,
> "I will if you will," or "Thanks."
>
> "Please do that," I said, needing this girls' strength.
> girl should be singular, so the apostrophe is in the wrong place.
>
> my white, small house
> sounds odd.   Maybe my small, white house...?
>
> Our feet scraped across the cobblestones, tracking gently through the
> short, green grass of the front lawn.
> Is it lawn or stones?   If one after the other, then say: ...cobblestones,
> and tracked...
>
> She curled my fingers through her's
> The possessive hers, his and its do not take apostrophes.
>
> she said as if awe struck.
> Something says to me that awestruck should be one word.
>
> I think you've sometimes spelled Glen with one n, and sometimes with two
> n's.   You might want to check.   (Not sure)
>
> As for the overall story, it makes me want to keep reading, so it has to 
> be
> good.   The major problem I have with it is the ready tears this man 
> sheds.
>
> Lori
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