[stylist] Feedback request, General content: Minneapolis Bus

[Neil Butters]

Brad,

I think you missed my point about "kid's." Here is the relevant part in your 
text:

"The kid's chatter diminished as even they became aware of the state these 
two gents..."

"Kid's" is the possessive of a single kid; your sentence suggests the 
chatter is from more than one kid (..."as even they..."). Thus, I think you 
need the possessive of the plural "kids," which is "kids'."

Neil






--------------------------------------------------
From: "BDM" <lists at braddunsemusic.com>
Sent: Sunday, May 02, 2010 4:55 PM
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: Re: [stylist] Feedback request, General  content: Minneapolis  Bus

> Neal,
>
> Thanks again. I took your suggestions minus the "kid's" chatter as it is 
> the chatter of the kids... as in ownership. I think that would be right if 
> it's "Brad's article, Neal's evaluation", "kid's chatter"... is that 
> right?
>
> I changed the rest and added a  slight bit, not much. Thanks so much for 
> clarifying the punctuation in the quotes thing, I never knew how that 
> should have been, now I do. Also I found in my writing lately  there is 
> much more flow if one uses "and" sparignly. I could probably do a better 
> job here even, but it seems to propell the thought flow if one  rids them 
> and changes them to something else as it causes more action.
>
> If interested, I pasted it below with the suggested changes and a couple 
> other minor bits . No need to comment just thought to show the changes... 
> thanks again.
>
> Having been diagnosed with a retinal disease some years back, I decided to 
> counteract the traumatic trick life had played by taking a proactive 
> approach. Before I lost usable vision, the ability to perform certain 
> tasks without alternative techniques or adaptive technology, I sought out 
> an adjustment to blindness training center in Minneapolis Minnesota. This 
> training center is called Blindness Learning In New Dimensions or BLIND 
> Inc. for short, and was affectionately, yet quite accurately, known as the 
> "boot camp for blind folks."
>
> Though apprehensions existed in what life would mean as a blind person, I 
> looked forward to the challenge of learning skills that would enable me to 
> live life successfully independent.
>
> In order to graduate, a student is required to learn skills such as white 
> cane travel, cooking for a large group of people, reading and writing 
> Braille, use screen reader technology on the computer, and other daily 
> life skills accomplished strictly under blind folds. Finally at the end of 
> the training, each student is required to complete what is known as a five 
> mile "Graduation Walk." While blindfolded students complete a travel and 
> mobility course by following a list of Braille directions instructing them 
> to cross noisy intersections, direct them to specific park locations, 
> cross bridges, board certain buses and make their way back to the training 
> center. Upon successful return, a freedom bell is rung in their honor and 
> as if a congratulations button were pressed, peers and staff come 
> applauding from classrooms with smiles, hand shakes, and pats on the back 
> as they share victory over the test.
>
> The day of my graduation walk turned out to be an unseasonably warm one, 
> and about three quarters of the way into my five mile graduation course, 
> my legs found great relief on the city transit portion of the test. On the 
> surprisingly quiet bus with nothing else to do but listen to the engine 
> roar and a buzzing fly next to me crashing its head into the window in 
> efforts to escape, my attention was occasionally given to the entrance and 
> exit of passengers at the stops.
>
> At one particular stop, my ear picked up on a huge group of young 
> elementary kids overtaking the bus, encompassing every available seat, 
> leaving the teachers and a few chivalrous passengers standing while they 
> held tight to the grab bars. Excited conversation assured me the kids were 
> on an early morning field trip.
>
> Sensing unusual activity at the front of the bus after the kids got on, I 
> curiously cheated by lifting my blindfold to find two gents were boarding 
> rather boisterously. Apparently they were still "having a night out"; 
> unaware the sun had risen right along with their blood alcohol level. One 
> stared down the isle with concentrated beady eyes pulling focus enough to 
> find the bus full. Conceding to the empty grab bar in the front of the 
> bus, he droopily hugged the pole with both arms like a skinny date  in a 
> slow dance. The other fellow cockily swaggered about the bus exploring for 
> a seat, using passenger's shoulders like rails in bumper bowling. The 
> kid's chatter diminished as even they became aware of the state these two 
> gents were in. Mid way down the long isle and recognizing the bus was 
> full, the second fellow settled quietly to a staggered stance next to a 
> nervous teacher. Both stood quiet, as did the rest of the bus with only 
> the roar of the engine and squeak of the brakes for audible entertainment.
>
> Finally breaking the intense silence, the adventurous drunk swung his head 
> sideways staring at the teacher, head bobbing from the bumpy ride   and 
> alcohol content. With half mast eyes he looked at the teacher and said, 
> "Pardon me sir."
>
> The Teacher nervously returned the look replying
>
> "Yes?"
>
> The inebriated man proceeded
>
> "Do you know Jesus Christ?"
>
> Wide eyed and perplexed at the source of the question, the teacher replied
>
> "Why, ah, yes. I do."
>
> The drunken man returned his bobbing head to a forward position slurring 
> in apparent amazement.
>
> "Well it sure is a small world isn't it?"
>
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