[stylist] Feedback request, General content: Minneapolis Bus

Mon May 3 00:56:32 UTC 2010

Neal,

OK gotcha now. I'll make the change thanks.

Brad

At 06:35 PM 5/2/2010, you wrote:
>Brad,
>
>I think you missed my point about "kid's." Here is the relevant part in 
>your text:
>
>"The kid's chatter diminished as even they became aware of the state these 
>two gents..."
>
>"Kid's" is the possessive of a single kid; your sentence suggests the 
>chatter is from more than one kid (..."as even they..."). Thus, I think 
>you need the possessive of the plural "kids," which is "kids'."
>
>Neil
>
>
>
>
>
>
>--------------------------------------------------
>From: "BDM" <lists at braddunsemusic.com>
>Sent: Sunday, May 02, 2010 4:55 PM
>To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>Subject: Re: [stylist] Feedback request, General  content: Minneapolis  Bus
>
>>Neal,
>>
>>Thanks again. I took your suggestions minus the "kid's" chatter as it is 
>>the chatter of the kids... as in ownership. I think that would be right 
>>if it's "Brad's article, Neal's evaluation", "kid's chatter"... is that right?
>>
>>I changed the rest and added a  slight bit, not much. Thanks so much for 
>>clarifying the punctuation in the quotes thing, I never knew how that 
>>should have been, now I do. Also I found in my writing lately  there is 
>>much more flow if one uses "and" sparignly. I could probably do a better 
>>job here even, but it seems to propell the thought flow if one  rids them 
>>and changes them to something else as it causes more action.
>>
>>If interested, I pasted it below with the suggested changes and a couple 
>>other minor bits . No need to comment just thought to show the changes... 
>>thanks again.
>>
>>Having been diagnosed with a retinal disease some years back, I decided 
>>to counteract the traumatic trick life had played by taking a proactive 
>>approach. Before I lost usable vision, the ability to perform certain 
>>tasks without alternative techniques or adaptive technology, I sought out 
>>an adjustment to blindness training center in Minneapolis Minnesota. This 
>>training center is called Blindness Learning In New Dimensions or BLIND 
>>Inc. for short, and was affectionately, yet quite accurately, known as 
>>the "boot camp for blind folks."
>>
>>Though apprehensions existed in what life would mean as a blind person, I 
>>looked forward to the challenge of learning skills that would enable me 
>>to live life successfully independent.
>>
>>In order to graduate, a student is required to learn skills such as white 
>>cane travel, cooking for a large group of people, reading and writing 
>>Braille, use screen reader technology on the computer, and other daily 
>>life skills accomplished strictly under blind folds. Finally at the end 
>>of the training, each student is required to complete what is known as a 
>>five mile "Graduation Walk." While blindfolded students complete a travel 
>>and mobility course by following a list of Braille directions instructing 
>>them to cross noisy intersections, direct them to specific park 
>>locations, cross bridges, board certain buses and make their way back to 
>>the training center. Upon successful return, a freedom bell is rung in 
>>their honor and as if a congratulations button were pressed, peers and 
>>staff come applauding from classrooms with smiles, hand shakes, and pats 
>>on the back as they share victory over the test.
>>
>>The day of my graduation walk turned out to be an unseasonably warm one, 
>>and about three quarters of the way into my five mile graduation course, 
>>my legs found great relief on the city transit portion of the test. On 
>>the surprisingly quiet bus with nothing else to do but listen to the 
>>engine roar and a buzzing fly next to me crashing its head into the 
>>window in efforts to escape, my attention was occasionally given to the 
>>entrance and exit of passengers at the stops.
>>
>>At one particular stop, my ear picked up on a huge group of young 
>>elementary kids overtaking the bus, encompassing every available seat, 
>>leaving the teachers and a few chivalrous passengers standing while they 
>>held tight to the grab bars. Excited conversation assured me the kids 
>>were on an early morning field trip.
>>
>>Sensing unusual activity at the front of the bus after the kids got on, I 
>>curiously cheated by lifting my blindfold to find two gents were boarding 
>>rather boisterously. Apparently they were still "having a night out"; 
>>unaware the sun had risen right along with their blood alcohol level. One 
>>stared down the isle with concentrated beady eyes pulling focus enough to 
>>find the bus full. Conceding to the empty grab bar in the front of the 
>>bus, he droopily hugged the pole with both arms like a skinny date  in a 
>>slow dance. The other fellow cockily swaggered about the bus exploring 
>>for a seat, using passenger's shoulders like rails in bumper bowling. The 
>>kid's chatter diminished as even they became aware of the state these two 
>>gents were in. Mid way down the long isle and recognizing the bus was 
>>full, the second fellow settled quietly to a staggered stance next to a 
>>nervous teacher. Both stood quiet, as did the rest of the bus with only 
>>the roar of the engine and squeak of the brakes for audible entertainment.
>>
>>Finally breaking the intense silence, the adventurous drunk swung his 
>>head sideways staring at the teacher, head bobbing from the bumpy 
>>ride   and alcohol content. With half mast eyes he looked at the teacher 
>>and said, "Pardon me sir."
>>
>>The Teacher nervously returned the look replying
>>
>>"Yes?"
>>
>>The inebriated man proceeded
>>
>>"Do you know Jesus Christ?"
>>
>>Wide eyed and perplexed at the source of the question, the teacher replied
>>
>>"Why, ah, yes. I do."
>>
>>The drunken man returned his bobbing head to a forward position slurring 
>>in apparent amazement.
>>
>>"Well it sure is a small world isn't it?"
>>
>>_______________________________________________
>>Writers Division web site:
>>http://www.nfb-writers-division.org <http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>
>>
>>stylist mailing list
>>stylist at nfbnet.org
>>http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
>>To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for 
>>stylist:
>>http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/neil.butters%40sympatico.ca
>
>_______________________________________________
>Writers Division web site:
>http://www.nfb-writers-division.org <http://www.nfb-writers-division.org/>
>
>stylist mailing list
>stylist at nfbnet.org
>http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
>To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for stylist:
>http://www.nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/lists%40braddunsemusic.com
>
>
>__________ Information from ESET Smart Security, version of virus 
>signature database 5080 (20100502) __________
>
>The message was checked by ESET Smart Security.
>
>http://www.eset.com
>
>

Brad Dunse

After the game, the king and the pawn go into the same box

E Mail: brad at braddunsemusic.com

Website: http://www.braddunsemusic.com

Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Brad-Dunse-Music/191788857382

Twitter: http://www.twitter.com/braddunse

MySpace: http://www.myspace.com/braddunse