[stylist] Comments on Short Story

[BDM]

Hi Neil,

For what its worth below are some general thoughts. Thoughts are in * or **

A Sense of Humor

**I was  somewhat confused by the title. Though you did a pretty good job 
of drawing me into a gruesome setting causing me to be surprised in the end 
and then back once more with yet still a brow raised  question in the last 
line, I wouldn't consider it a sense of humor piece.

Noting a couple areas  that stood out to me...

...whether to simply throw them away, but I won three poker tournaments 
while wearing that shirt, and my girl had spent a kidnapper's ransom on the 
towels. That cash could have helped us buy a new washer...

**The kidnapper's ransom helped set the tone, I thought that was a good 
criminalish simile for the story about to unfold

...The machine began to chug and shake after I fed it some coins.

**Put the order of detail as they happened? You put coin in *then* it began 
shaking.


	Sweat slicked my underarms, **this seems unfinished? Maybe "I sweat 
slicked...." or "Sweat slicking my..."


which had been secreting *secreting what? We know but seems unfinished?* 
profusely since I entered the Laundromat. The moisture was starting to make 
my shirt - proclaiming that Harley-Davidson was the best ride ever - cling 
to the sides of my body like a wet bathing suit.

**Make your shirt what? Make your shirt as in sweat was "reaching it* or it 
was making the shirt proclaim the Harly hthing somehow? Not sure.


A few beads of perspiration trickled down my forehead, and I wiped them 
away with the bottom of my shirt as I settled on one of the plastic chairs 
facing the washers and threw the laundry bag underneath.

**This seems long to me? Maybe make it more action-like removing the "and"s 
when you can? Perhaps...
A few beads of perspiration trickled down my forehead into the laundry bag, 
wiping them away with the bottom of my shirt, I settled on one of the 
plastic chairs facing the washers.

...*With*My eyes closed. I was transported onto a stage with Metallica in 
an open-air stadium. But...

...men and women prefer to look at female celebrities with at least C-sized 
bras. If necessary, a few mouse clicks could be used to fill out the 
desired mold. Works for me.

**The mouse click/computer thing seems out of place as he's looking at a 
physical magazine. Perhaps he can  digitally edit in his mind  with 
imagination or something to keep it  non-computerish.

....quickly. I then used the towels to clean up the remaining mess. The 
carnage had been much more than I had expected, but then again the gashes 
were very deep. I tore through her flesh and the underlying muscle.

**Definitely got me thinking you're an axe murderer hear haha. Though I 
think  in the next line letting us know you are back at the laundromat a 
little bit earlier in the opening line would be good. Though I do like the 
thumping of the chest here as it goes with the hacking of your girl above.

	The thumping in my chest slowed gradually as the music and magazine took 
effect. I waited 30 minutes, to the second, before retrieving the laundry...


**I like how you cleared up the cutting open of your girl giving a "ah ha" 
moment. Then shortly after, making us think the end will be finished and 
solved as  you hate unsolved stores, I like how you interweaved the 
Unsolved Mystery show in as a vehicle for this guy 's mind to run away, and 
also at teh very end... did it really run away or was it real?

The baby thing is a bit sensitive yes, but the mystery is good.  If you've 
eve listened to Home Prairie Companion with Garrison Kieler, there is a 
weird  little story segment called Bebop a rebop  Rhubarb  Pie taking you 
on some weirdish little mystery and then back to reality very quickly... 
this reminded me of that, only mixed with a little Stephen King haah. 
Good  creative imagination I thought.