[stylist] Comments on Short Story

[Neil Butters]

Hi Dave and All,

Thanks for the comments, Dave. I will make many changes. However, I think 
you missed the point of the title. So, for you and anybody else that may be 
puzzled, here is an explanation: I meant humor as the old medical term for 
one of the bodily fluids, I.e., red humor or blood. I think, as such, it 
fits. Besides, it corresponds with the theme of things not necessarily being 
what you think.

Thanks again,

Neil


--------------------------------------------------
From: "BDM" <lists at braddunsemusic.com>
Sent: Friday, May 07, 2010 8:26 AM
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: Re: [stylist] Comments on Short Story

> Hi Neil,
>
> For what its worth below are some general thoughts. Thoughts are in * or 
> **
>
> A Sense of Humor
>
> **I was  somewhat confused by the title. Though you did a pretty good job 
> of drawing me into a gruesome setting causing me to be surprised in the 
> end and then back once more with yet still a brow raised  question in the 
> last line, I wouldn't consider it a sense of humor piece.
>
> Noting a couple areas  that stood out to me...
>
> ...whether to simply throw them away, but I won three poker tournaments 
> while wearing that shirt, and my girl had spent a kidnapper's ransom on 
> the towels. That cash could have helped us buy a new washer...
>
> **The kidnapper's ransom helped set the tone, I thought that was a good 
> criminalish simile for the story about to unfold
>
> ...The machine began to chug and shake after I fed it some coins.
>
> **Put the order of detail as they happened? You put coin in *then* it 
> began shaking.
>
>
> Sweat slicked my underarms, **this seems unfinished? Maybe "I sweat 
> slicked...." or "Sweat slicking my..."
>
>
> which had been secreting *secreting what? We know but seems unfinished?* 
> profusely since I entered the Laundromat. The moisture was starting to 
> make my shirt - proclaiming that Harley-Davidson was the best ride ever - 
> cling to the sides of my body like a wet bathing suit.
>
> **Make your shirt what? Make your shirt as in sweat was "reaching it* or 
> it was making the shirt proclaim the Harly hthing somehow? Not sure.
>
>
> A few beads of perspiration trickled down my forehead, and I wiped them 
> away with the bottom of my shirt as I settled on one of the plastic chairs 
> facing the washers and threw the laundry bag underneath.
>
> **This seems long to me? Maybe make it more action-like removing the 
> "and"s when you can? Perhaps...
> A few beads of perspiration trickled down my forehead into the laundry 
> bag, wiping them away with the bottom of my shirt, I settled on one of the 
> plastic chairs facing the washers.
>
> ...*With*My eyes closed. I was transported onto a stage with Metallica in 
> an open-air stadium. But...
>
> ...men and women prefer to look at female celebrities with at least 
> C-sized bras. If necessary, a few mouse clicks could be used to fill out 
> the desired mold. Works for me.
>
> **The mouse click/computer thing seems out of place as he's looking at a 
> physical magazine. Perhaps he can  digitally edit in his mind  with 
> imagination or something to keep it  non-computerish.
>
> ....quickly. I then used the towels to clean up the remaining mess. The 
> carnage had been much more than I had expected, but then again the gashes 
> were very deep. I tore through her flesh and the underlying muscle.
>
> **Definitely got me thinking you're an axe murderer hear haha. Though I 
> think  in the next line letting us know you are back at the laundromat a 
> little bit earlier in the opening line would be good. Though I do like the 
> thumping of the chest here as it goes with the hacking of your girl above.
>
> The thumping in my chest slowed gradually as the music and magazine took 
> effect. I waited 30 minutes, to the second, before retrieving the 
> laundry...
>
>
> **I like how you cleared up the cutting open of your girl giving a "ah ha" 
> moment. Then shortly after, making us think the end will be finished and 
> solved as  you hate unsolved stores, I like how you interweaved the 
> Unsolved Mystery show in as a vehicle for this guy 's mind to run away, 
> and also at teh very end... did it really run away or was it real?
>
> The baby thing is a bit sensitive yes, but the mystery is good.  If you've 
> eve listened to Home Prairie Companion with Garrison Kieler, there is a 
> weird  little story segment called Bebop a rebop  Rhubarb  Pie taking you 
> on some weirdish little mystery and then back to reality very quickly... 
> this reminded me of that, only mixed with a little Stephen King haah. Good 
> creative imagination I thought.
>
>
>
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