[stylist] Comments on Short Story

Fri May 7 15:07:02 UTC 2010

Neil,

Actually Brad here :). you are right, I didn't get it. Perhaps the use of 
"humor" is technically correct  in old English?? , but those not familiar 
with it like me, which I could be a loner on it too, for what its worth, 
find it more of a disconnection rather than a play due to the more familiar 
use of the word.

Brad

At 09:35 AM 5/7/2010, you wrote:
>Hi Dave and All,
>
>Thanks for the comments, Dave. I will make many changes. However, I think 
>you missed the point of the title. So, for you and anybody else that may 
>be puzzled, here is an explanation: I meant humor as the old medical term 
>for one of the bodily fluids, I.e., red humor or blood. I think, as such, 
>it fits. Besides, it corresponds with the theme of things not necessarily 
>being what you think.
>
>Thanks again,
>
>Neil
>
>
>--------------------------------------------------
>From: "BDM" <lists at braddunsemusic.com>
>Sent: Friday, May 07, 2010 8:26 AM
>To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>Subject: Re: [stylist] Comments on Short Story
>
>>Hi Neil,
>>
>>For what its worth below are some general thoughts. Thoughts are in * or **
>>
>>A Sense of Humor
>>
>>**I was  somewhat confused by the title. Though you did a pretty good job 
>>of drawing me into a gruesome setting causing me to be surprised in the 
>>end and then back once more with yet still a brow raised  question in the 
>>last line, I wouldn't consider it a sense of humor piece.
>>
>>Noting a couple areas  that stood out to me...
>>
>>...whether to simply throw them away, but I won three poker tournaments 
>>while wearing that shirt, and my girl had spent a kidnapper's ransom on 
>>the towels. That cash could have helped us buy a new washer...
>>
>>**The kidnapper's ransom helped set the tone, I thought that was a good 
>>criminalish simile for the story about to unfold
>>
>>...The machine began to chug and shake after I fed it some coins.
>>
>>**Put the order of detail as they happened? You put coin in *then* it 
>>began shaking.
>>
>>
>>Sweat slicked my underarms, **this seems unfinished? Maybe "I sweat 
>>slicked...." or "Sweat slicking my..."
>>
>>
>>which had been secreting *secreting what? We know but seems unfinished?* 
>>profusely since I entered the Laundromat. The moisture was starting to 
>>make my shirt - proclaiming that Harley-Davidson was the best ride ever - 
>>cling to the sides of my body like a wet bathing suit.
>>
>>**Make your shirt what? Make your shirt as in sweat was "reaching it* or 
>>it was making the shirt proclaim the Harly hthing somehow? Not sure.
>>
>>
>>A few beads of perspiration trickled down my forehead, and I wiped them 
>>away with the bottom of my shirt as I settled on one of the plastic 
>>chairs facing the washers and threw the laundry bag underneath.
>>
>>**This seems long to me? Maybe make it more action-like removing the 
>>"and"s when you can? Perhaps...
>>A few beads of perspiration trickled down my forehead into the laundry 
>>bag, wiping them away with the bottom of my shirt, I settled on one of 
>>the plastic chairs facing the washers.
>>
>>...*With*My eyes closed. I was transported onto a stage with Metallica in 
>>an open-air stadium. But...
>>
>>...men and women prefer to look at female celebrities with at least 
>>C-sized bras. If necessary, a few mouse clicks could be used to fill out 
>>the desired mold. Works for me.
>>
>>**The mouse click/computer thing seems out of place as he's looking at a 
>>physical magazine. Perhaps he can  digitally edit in his mind  with 
>>imagination or something to keep it  non-computerish.
>>
>>....quickly. I then used the towels to clean up the remaining mess. The 
>>carnage had been much more than I had expected, but then again the gashes 
>>were very deep. I tore through her flesh and the underlying muscle.
>>
>>**Definitely got me thinking you're an axe murderer hear haha. Though I 
>>think  in the next line letting us know you are back at the laundromat a 
>>little bit earlier in the opening line would be good. Though I do like 
>>the thumping of the chest here as it goes with the hacking of your girl above.
>>
>>The thumping in my chest slowed gradually as the music and magazine took 
>>effect. I waited 30 minutes, to the second, before retrieving the laundry...
>>
>>
>>**I like how you cleared up the cutting open of your girl giving a "ah 
>>ha" moment. Then shortly after, making us think the end will be finished 
>>and solved as  you hate unsolved stores, I like how you interweaved the 
>>Unsolved Mystery show in as a vehicle for this guy 's mind to run away, 
>>and also at teh very end... did it really run away or was it real?
>>
>>The baby thing is a bit sensitive yes, but the mystery is good.  If 
>>you've eve listened to Home Prairie Companion with Garrison Kieler, there 
>>is a weird  little story segment called Bebop a rebop  Rhubarb  Pie 
>>taking you on some weirdish little mystery and then back to reality very 
>>quickly... this reminded me of that, only mixed with a little Stephen 
>>King haah. Good creative imagination I thought.
>>
>>
>>
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Brad Dunse

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