[stylist] Comments on Short Story

Fri May 7 15:55:11 UTC 2010

Hi Brad,

Sorry about getting your name wrong. I don't know why I had "Dave" in mind. 
I like titles that are a bit cryptic; Reservoir Dogs is a great title, but 
Quentin Tarantino won't tell anyone what it means.

Neil

--------------------------------------------------
From: "BDM" <lists at braddunsemusic.com>
Sent: Friday, May 07, 2010 11:07 AM
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: Re: [stylist] Comments on Short Story

> Neil,
>
> Actually Brad here :). you are right, I didn't get it. Perhaps the use of 
> "humor" is technically correct  in old English?? , but those not familiar 
> with it like me, which I could be a loner on it too, for what its worth, 
> find it more of a disconnection rather than a play due to the more 
> familiar use of the word.
>
> Brad
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
>
> At 09:35 AM 5/7/2010, you wrote:
>>Hi Dave and All,
>>
>>Thanks for the comments, Dave. I will make many changes. However, I think 
>>you missed the point of the title. So, for you and anybody else that may 
>>be puzzled, here is an explanation: I meant humor as the old medical term 
>>for one of the bodily fluids, I.e., red humor or blood. I think, as such, 
>>it fits. Besides, it corresponds with the theme of things not necessarily 
>>being what you think.
>>
>>Thanks again,
>>
>>Neil
>>
>>
>>--------------------------------------------------
>>From: "BDM" <lists at braddunsemusic.com>
>>Sent: Friday, May 07, 2010 8:26 AM
>>To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>>Subject: Re: [stylist] Comments on Short Story
>>
>>>Hi Neil,
>>>
>>>For what its worth below are some general thoughts. Thoughts are in * or 
>>>**
>>>
>>>A Sense of Humor
>>>
>>>**I was  somewhat confused by the title. Though you did a pretty good job 
>>>of drawing me into a gruesome setting causing me to be surprised in the 
>>>end and then back once more with yet still a brow raised  question in the 
>>>last line, I wouldn't consider it a sense of humor piece.
>>>
>>>Noting a couple areas  that stood out to me...
>>>
>>>...whether to simply throw them away, but I won three poker tournaments 
>>>while wearing that shirt, and my girl had spent a kidnapper's ransom on 
>>>the towels. That cash could have helped us buy a new washer...
>>>
>>>**The kidnapper's ransom helped set the tone, I thought that was a good 
>>>criminalish simile for the story about to unfold
>>>
>>>...The machine began to chug and shake after I fed it some coins.
>>>
>>>**Put the order of detail as they happened? You put coin in *then* it 
>>>began shaking.
>>>
>>>
>>>Sweat slicked my underarms, **this seems unfinished? Maybe "I sweat 
>>>slicked...." or "Sweat slicking my..."
>>>
>>>
>>>which had been secreting *secreting what? We know but seems unfinished?* 
>>>profusely since I entered the Laundromat. The moisture was starting to 
>>>make my shirt - proclaiming that Harley-Davidson was the best ride ever - 
>>>cling to the sides of my body like a wet bathing suit.
>>>
>>>**Make your shirt what? Make your shirt as in sweat was "reaching it* or 
>>>it was making the shirt proclaim the Harly hthing somehow? Not sure.
>>>
>>>
>>>A few beads of perspiration trickled down my forehead, and I wiped them 
>>>away with the bottom of my shirt as I settled on one of the plastic 
>>>chairs facing the washers and threw the laundry bag underneath.
>>>
>>>**This seems long to me? Maybe make it more action-like removing the 
>>>"and"s when you can? Perhaps...
>>>A few beads of perspiration trickled down my forehead into the laundry 
>>>bag, wiping them away with the bottom of my shirt, I settled on one of 
>>>the plastic chairs facing the washers.
>>>
>>>...*With*My eyes closed. I was transported onto a stage with Metallica in 
>>>an open-air stadium. But...
>>>
>>>...men and women prefer to look at female celebrities with at least 
>>>C-sized bras. If necessary, a few mouse clicks could be used to fill out 
>>>the desired mold. Works for me.
>>>
>>>**The mouse click/computer thing seems out of place as he's looking at a 
>>>physical magazine. Perhaps he can  digitally edit in his mind  with 
>>>imagination or something to keep it  non-computerish.
>>>
>>>....quickly. I then used the towels to clean up the remaining mess. The 
>>>carnage had been much more than I had expected, but then again the gashes 
>>>were very deep. I tore through her flesh and the underlying muscle.
>>>
>>>**Definitely got me thinking you're an axe murderer hear haha. Though I 
>>>think  in the next line letting us know you are back at the laundromat a 
>>>little bit earlier in the opening line would be good. Though I do like 
>>>the thumping of the chest here as it goes with the hacking of your girl 
>>>above.
>>>
>>>The thumping in my chest slowed gradually as the music and magazine took 
>>>effect. I waited 30 minutes, to the second, before retrieving the 
>>>laundry...
>>>
>>>
>>>**I like how you cleared up the cutting open of your girl giving a "ah 
>>>ha" moment. Then shortly after, making us think the end will be finished 
>>>and solved as  you hate unsolved stores, I like how you interweaved the 
>>>Unsolved Mystery show in as a vehicle for this guy 's mind to run away, 
>>>and also at teh very end... did it really run away or was it real?
>>>
>>>The baby thing is a bit sensitive yes, but the mystery is good.  If 
>>>you've eve listened to Home Prairie Companion with Garrison Kieler, there 
>>>is a weird  little story segment called Bebop a rebop  Rhubarb  Pie 
>>>taking you on some weirdish little mystery and then back to reality very 
>>>quickly... this reminded me of that, only mixed with a little Stephen 
>>>King haah. Good creative imagination I thought.
>>>
>>>
>>>
>>>_______________________________________________
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>>
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>
>
> Brad Dunse
>
> He who angers you controls you
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