[stylist] Comments on Short Story

BDM lists at braddunsemusic.com
Fri May 7 18:16:29 UTC 2010 

Neil,

no worries :).

Brad

At 10:55 AM 5/7/2010, you wrote:
>Hi Brad,
>
>Sorry about getting your name wrong. I don't know why I had "Dave" in 
>mind. I like titles that are a bit cryptic; Reservoir Dogs is a great 
>title, but Quentin Tarantino won't tell anyone what it means.
>
>
>Neil
>
>--------------------------------------------------
>From: "BDM" <lists at braddunsemusic.com>
>Sent: Friday, May 07, 2010 11:07 AM
>To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>Subject: Re: [stylist] Comments on Short Story
>
>>Neil,
>>
>>Actually Brad here :). you are right, I didn't get it. Perhaps the use of 
>>"humor" is technically correct  in old English?? , but those not familiar 
>>with it like me, which I could be a loner on it too, for what its worth, 
>>find it more of a disconnection rather than a play due to the more 
>>familiar use of the word.
>>
>>Brad
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>
>>At 09:35 AM 5/7/2010, you wrote:
>>>Hi Dave and All,
>>>
>>>Thanks for the comments, Dave. I will make many changes. However, I 
>>>think you missed the point of the title. So, for you and anybody else 
>>>that may be puzzled, here is an explanation: I meant humor as the old 
>>>medical term for one of the bodily fluids, I.e., red humor or blood. I 
>>>think, as such, it fits. Besides, it corresponds with the theme of 
>>>things not necessarily being what you think.
>>>
>>>Thanks again,
>>>
>>>Neil
>>>
>>>
>>>--------------------------------------------------
>>>From: "BDM" <lists at braddunsemusic.com>
>>>Sent: Friday, May 07, 2010 8:26 AM
>>>To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>>>Subject: Re: [stylist] Comments on Short Story
>>>
>>>>Hi Neil,
>>>>
>>>>For what its worth below are some general thoughts. Thoughts are in * or **
>>>>
>>>>A Sense of Humor
>>>>
>>>>**I was  somewhat confused by the title. Though you did a pretty good 
>>>>job of drawing me into a gruesome setting causing me to be surprised in 
>>>>the end and then back once more with yet still a brow raised  question 
>>>>in the last line, I wouldn't consider it a sense of humor piece.
>>>>
>>>>Noting a couple areas  that stood out to me...
>>>>
>>>>...whether to simply throw them away, but I won three poker tournaments 
>>>>while wearing that shirt, and my girl had spent a kidnapper's ransom on 
>>>>the towels. That cash could have helped us buy a new washer...
>>>>
>>>>**The kidnapper's ransom helped set the tone, I thought that was a good 
>>>>criminalish simile for the story about to unfold
>>>>
>>>>...The machine began to chug and shake after I fed it some coins.
>>>>
>>>>**Put the order of detail as they happened? You put coin in *then* it 
>>>>began shaking.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>Sweat slicked my underarms, **this seems unfinished? Maybe "I sweat 
>>>>slicked...." or "Sweat slicking my..."
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>which had been secreting *secreting what? We know but seems 
>>>>unfinished?* profusely since I entered the Laundromat. The moisture was 
>>>>starting to make my shirt - proclaiming that Harley-Davidson was the 
>>>>best ride ever - cling to the sides of my body like a wet bathing suit.
>>>>
>>>>**Make your shirt what? Make your shirt as in sweat was "reaching it* 
>>>>or it was making the shirt proclaim the Harly hthing somehow? Not sure.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>A few beads of perspiration trickled down my forehead, and I wiped them 
>>>>away with the bottom of my shirt as I settled on one of the plastic 
>>>>chairs facing the washers and threw the laundry bag underneath.
>>>>
>>>>**This seems long to me? Maybe make it more action-like removing the 
>>>>"and"s when you can? Perhaps...
>>>>A few beads of perspiration trickled down my forehead into the laundry 
>>>>bag, wiping them away with the bottom of my shirt, I settled on one of 
>>>>the plastic chairs facing the washers.
>>>>
>>>>...*With*My eyes closed. I was transported onto a stage with Metallica 
>>>>in an open-air stadium. But...
>>>>
>>>>...men and women prefer to look at female celebrities with at least 
>>>>C-sized bras. If necessary, a few mouse clicks could be used to fill 
>>>>out the desired mold. Works for me.
>>>>
>>>>**The mouse click/computer thing seems out of place as he's looking at 
>>>>a physical magazine. Perhaps he can  digitally edit in his mind  with 
>>>>imagination or something to keep it  non-computerish.
>>>>
>>>>....quickly. I then used the towels to clean up the remaining mess. The 
>>>>carnage had been much more than I had expected, but then again the 
>>>>gashes were very deep. I tore through her flesh and the underlying muscle.
>>>>
>>>>**Definitely got me thinking you're an axe murderer hear haha. Though I 
>>>>think  in the next line letting us know you are back at the laundromat 
>>>>a little bit earlier in the opening line would be good. Though I do 
>>>>like the thumping of the chest here as it goes with the hacking of your 
>>>>girl above.
>>>>
>>>>The thumping in my chest slowed gradually as the music and magazine 
>>>>took effect. I waited 30 minutes, to the second, before retrieving the 
>>>>laundry...
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>**I like how you cleared up the cutting open of your girl giving a "ah 
>>>>ha" moment. Then shortly after, making us think the end will be 
>>>>finished and solved as  you hate unsolved stores, I like how you 
>>>>interweaved the Unsolved Mystery show in as a vehicle for this guy 's 
>>>>mind to run away, and also at teh very end... did it really run away or 
>>>>was it real?
>>>>
>>>>The baby thing is a bit sensitive yes, but the mystery is good.  If 
>>>>you've eve listened to Home Prairie Companion with Garrison Kieler, 
>>>>there is a weird  little story segment called Bebop a 
>>>>rebop  Rhubarb  Pie taking you on some weirdish little mystery and then 
>>>>back to reality very quickly... this reminded me of that, only mixed 
>>>>with a little Stephen King haah. Good creative imagination I thought.
>>>>
>>>>
>>>>
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>>>
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>>
>>
>>Brad Dunse
>>
>>He who angers you controls you
>>
>>E Mail: brad at braddunsemusic.com
>>
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Brad Dunse

Birth
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