[stylist] Short story: warrior

[Chris Kuell]

Hi Danielle,

Thanks for sharing your story with us. You write very well, and personally, 
I don't think this story needs a lot of work. Below I'll make some general 
comments for you to consider.

Firstly, I commend you for writing in the second person. Hardly any books or 
stories are written in this point of view, as it's hard to do and hold the 
reader's attention. Since your story is pretty short, and exciting, you 
managed to hold my attention the whole way through.

If you were at the battlefield that day, you would've heard a battle 
cry... - Your writing has a formal voice, so I would recommend not using the 
contraction, 'would've' and go with 'would have' instead.

You would hear the guns and muskets... - Since you are telling your story in 
the past tense, you need to keep that consistent. So this should read 'you 
would have heard...

Soldiers alongside every human soldier on the battlefield.- I get what you 
mean here, that the guns and sounds are like soldiers themselves, but still, 
I found this sentence a little awkward. Perhaps Sensory soldiers 
alongside...? Or maybe, The war itself a soldier alongside...?

All men are fighting for everything they've lived for, and for everything 
their children will live for and pass down generations to their 
grandchildren.- this sentence is a little clunky, and I think 'generations' 
is the problem--you don't really need it. If you want to keep it, consider : 
All men are fighting for everything they've ever lived for, for everything 
their children and grandchildren will live for and pass down through the 
generations .

Readers will likely be interested in when your story takes place. Horses and 
guns and the United States makes me think of civil or revolutionary war, but 
since it's an attack on the US, I'd say it must be the revolutionary 
war--although in that war there weren't really attacks on America, as 
America didn't exist yet and was merely a colony.  The colony was under 
attack by England and the Hessian soldiers the Brits paid to fight for them. 
There were attacks on Boston, on Manhattan, on various forts, etc... and you 
might want to clarify this. A simple red coat or British flag would help, as 
would a short (3 to 5 words) description of what the little girl was 
wearing.

Good fiction is a balance between character, plot and setting. I'd like to 
see you add just a touch of setting to help ground the reader in the place 
and time of your story.

It seemed to be familiar to er, as if she had known for a long time.- this 
sentence is incomplete, you need to tell us what she knew for a long time. 
We can infer it was the voice, but we can't be sure. Consider : It drew her 
in, a familiar, gruff baritone , long distant in her memory - something like 
that.

Watch out for the word 'seemed', which you use quite often, and should try 
to avoid. Fiction writers need to be firm and concrete. For example: 
Danielle took a bite of toast. Or, Danielle seemed to take a bite of what 
seemed to be toast.This isn't the best example, but the second sentence is 
wordy and less definitive.

(consider a sentence where the soldier drops to one knee after being shot, 
maybe touches the wound in his neck, grits his teeth, gets up and keeps 
going)    He tried to run, tried (to) protect this young girl in his arms. 
Tried to protect her every being (this sentence says pretty much the same 
thing as the previous one, so either delete it or change it to make it 
different).  He ran, lurched (and) tripped toward the tents where he could 
lay her down and make sure she was safe.

Stories this short don't usually have epilogues. Those are generally for 
novels or 'longer' short stories. Some writers will separate sections of 
text by using asterisks * * *, but in this case, I don't think you really 
need that. You could simply start your next paragraph as you do, and it will 
become apparent to the reader that time has passed. I'd also recommend 
deleting 'approximately'. Again, fiction writers need to be concrete, not 
wishy-washy. Say, Four years later..., or Four years and two months later... 
which make the story more real to your readers.

Finally, I'm not sure why you ended with a question mark. I'd go with a 
period.

Nice job, and thanks again for letting us read your work.

chris