[stylist] question about word usage

Fri Oct 15 15:23:26 UTC 2010

Hmmm, we might be in disagreement about the use of "appall" in the context
of your passage.  The reason I offered it as a suggestion is owed to these
definitions:

1. dismay: fill with apprehension or alarm; cause to be unpleasantly
surprised; "I was horrified at the thought of being late for my interview";
"The news
of the executions horrified us"
wordnetweb.princeton.edu/perl/webwn

2. To depress or discourage with fear; to impress with fear in such a manner
that the mind shrinks, or loses its firmness; to overcome with sudden terror
or horror; to dismay; as, the sight appalled the stoutest heart
en.wiktionary.org/wiki/appall

Regardless, I still find the passage very chased.  First, we don't know when
and where the man approached her until we learn later in the text that it
was in fact at her house.  If you're going to spend so much time describing
her reaction to the incident, you may as well invest a little time setting
us up for why the reaction is laid out the way it is.  Second, and this
might be explained by the text surrounding your excerpt, but the mere
delivery of a package that in of itself did not pose a threat, does not seem
to warrant her blood running cold.  It seems a bit exaggerated.  If you're
suggesting that her fear was brought on by the possibility that she might
think the man was a ghost, given the sudden disappearance, I would bring
that out a little better.  Finally, draw a direct link between her feeling
and her reaction.  If she is afraid of what the letter might contain, the
first priority should be the hiding of the package, not the peering out the
window.  If her first concern is the appearance, or disappearance of the
man, she should linger a little more at the window, not rush about in what
comes off as a frantic dash.

Again, it is a little difficult to genuinely assess the passage without
proper context of where the scene fits in the rest of the chapter or story.
That said, the scene alone feels as though something you might view while
fast forwarding a video.  The overall language is great.  My recommendation
is that you slow down a little and give what appears to be an important
scene the proper stage it deserves.

I am not very amused when people rewrite my work for me, but I can offer an
alternative version off-list if it would explain what I'm talking about.

It's great writing, and I'm glad you shared it.

Best,

Joe

"Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their sleeves,
some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."--Sam Ewing 

-----Original Message-----
From: Judith Bron [mailto:jbron at optonline.net] 
Sent: Friday, October 15, 2010 11:07 AM
To: jsorozco at gmail.com; Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: Re: [stylist] question about word usage

Hi Joe, Appalled means angry.  Why should she be angry?  It was 
a normal day 
when the stranger knocked or rang the bell.  Here is what I 
came up with. 
I'm interested in your reaction.

On her way to the car Sheila thought about the little book with 
an inserted 
paper delivered a few months earlier by a strange man.  He had 
said, "Mrs. 
Hamilton, I'm a lawyer representing a family that perished in 
the holocaust. 
This little packet containing a small book and paper were given 
to me to 
deliver to you for Jennifer Rabinowitz.  They are left by her 
parents.  It 
should be presented to her on her seventeenth birthday.  Please 
don't tell 
Jennifer or your husband about this meeting.  A good day to 
you."  The man 
left the house and she ran to the front window to watch him 
drive away.  But 
no car appeared on the driveway or street.  There was no man 
walking away 
from the house.  She felt her blood run cold.  She ran to her bedroom 
without looking at the little packet and placed it with other 
papers in her 
dresser.

----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Joe Orozco" <jsorozco at gmail.com>
To: "'Writer's Division Mailing List'" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Friday, October 15, 2010 9:37 AM
Subject: Re: [stylist] question about word usage

> Hi Judith,
>
> Your sentence reads:
>
> Totally spooked, she ran to her bedroom without looking at the little 
> packet
> and placed it with other papers in her dresser.
>
> Option 1:
>
> She was unsettled.  She ran to her bedroom without looking at 
the little
> packet and placed it with other papers in her dresser.
>
> Option 2:
>
> Appalled, she ran to her bedroom without looking at the 
little packet and
> placed it with other papers in her dresser.
>
> The problem with word usage in this sentence is that the 
character runs to
> her bedroom.  "Spooked," "appalled" or any other such 
descriptive word 
> means
> she is at least temporarily shocked, and shocked people 
aren't likely to
> dart first to the window and then to the bedroom.  The actions seem a 
> little
> disjointed.  If the scene is supposed to be a flashback, I 
would spend 
> more
> time cultivating the setting.  Perhaps there was something about the
> visitor, the unusual time of day, something ominous about the way he 
> looked,
> something to make the reader feel just as perplexed by the 
visitor as the
> character.
>
> I hope that helps.
>
> Best,
>
> Joe
>
> "Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up 
their sleeves,
> some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."--Sam Ewing
>
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org
> [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Judith Bron
> Sent: Thursday, October 14, 2010 8:37 PM
> To: Stylist
> Subject: [stylist] question about word usage
>
> Here is a section from my novel "The Letter."  I use the phrase
> "Totally spooked" and wonder if there is something more
> appropriate that I should be using.  Any help would be most
> appreciated.  Thanks, Judith
>
> On her way to the car Sheila thought about the little book with
> an inserted paper delivered a few months earlier by a strange
> man.  He had said, "Mrs. Hamilton, I'm a lawyer representing a
> family that perished in the holocaust.  This little packet
> containing a small book and paper were given to me to deliver
> to you for Jennifer Rabinowitz.  They are left by her parents.
> It should be presented to her on her seventeenth birthday.
> Please don't tell Jennifer or your husband about this meeting.
> A good day to you."  The man left the house and she ran to the
> front window to watch him drive away.  But no car appeared on
> the driveway or street.  There was no man walking away from the
> house.  Totally spooked, she ran to her bedroom without looking
> at the little packet and placed it with other papers in her dresser.
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