[stylist] question about word usage

[Barbara Hammel]

I think that sounds better than spooked.  I mean, someone just disappearing 
into nothingness is kind of creepy.  I had that happen to me once and it was 
very unsettling.
Barbara

...
Yesterday is
A path well-trod,
A familiar lane
Through sacred sod,
A road we travel
Too often, I fear,
For there are the good times
When things are hard here,
...

--------------------------------------------------
From: "Judith Bron" <jbron at optonline.net>
Sent: Friday, October 15, 2010 10:06 AM
To: <jsorozco at gmail.com>; "Writer's Division Mailing List" 
<stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: Re: [stylist] question about word usage

> Hi Joe, Appalled means angry.  Why should she be angry?  It was a normal 
> day when the stranger knocked or rang the bell.  Here is what I came up 
> with. I'm interested in your reaction.
>
> On her way to the car Sheila thought about the little book with an 
> inserted paper delivered a few months earlier by a strange man.  He had 
> said, "Mrs. Hamilton, I'm a lawyer representing a family that perished in 
> the holocaust. This little packet containing a small book and paper were 
> given to me to deliver to you for Jennifer Rabinowitz.  They are left by 
> her parents.  It should be presented to her on her seventeenth birthday. 
> Please don't tell Jennifer or your husband about this meeting.  A good day 
> to you."  The man left the house and she ran to the front window to watch 
> him drive away.  But no car appeared on the driveway or street.  There was 
> no man walking away from the house.  She felt her blood run cold.  She ran 
> to her bedroom without looking at the little packet and placed it with 
> other papers in her dresser.
>
> ----- Original Message ----- 
> From: "Joe Orozco" <jsorozco at gmail.com>
> To: "'Writer's Division Mailing List'" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
> Sent: Friday, October 15, 2010 9:37 AM
> Subject: Re: [stylist] question about word usage
>
>
>> Hi Judith,
>>
>> Your sentence reads:
>>
>> Totally spooked, she ran to her bedroom without looking at the little 
>> packet
>> and placed it with other papers in her dresser.
>>
>> Option 1:
>>
>> She was unsettled.  She ran to her bedroom without looking at the little
>> packet and placed it with other papers in her dresser.
>>
>> Option 2:
>>
>> Appalled, she ran to her bedroom without looking at the little packet and
>> placed it with other papers in her dresser.
>>
>> The problem with word usage in this sentence is that the character runs 
>> to
>> her bedroom.  "Spooked," "appalled" or any other such descriptive word 
>> means
>> she is at least temporarily shocked, and shocked people aren't likely to
>> dart first to the window and then to the bedroom.  The actions seem a 
>> little
>> disjointed.  If the scene is supposed to be a flashback, I would spend 
>> more
>> time cultivating the setting.  Perhaps there was something about the
>> visitor, the unusual time of day, something ominous about the way he 
>> looked,
>> something to make the reader feel just as perplexed by the visitor as the
>> character.
>>
>> I hope that helps.
>>
>> Best,
>>
>> Joe
>>
>> "Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their 
>> sleeves,
>> some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."--Sam Ewing
>>
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org
>> [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Judith Bron
>> Sent: Thursday, October 14, 2010 8:37 PM
>> To: Stylist
>> Subject: [stylist] question about word usage
>>
>> Here is a section from my novel "The Letter."  I use the phrase
>> "Totally spooked" and wonder if there is something more
>> appropriate that I should be using.  Any help would be most
>> appreciated.  Thanks, Judith
>>
>> On her way to the car Sheila thought about the little book with
>> an inserted paper delivered a few months earlier by a strange
>> man.  He had said, "Mrs. Hamilton, I'm a lawyer representing a
>> family that perished in the holocaust.  This little packet
>> containing a small book and paper were given to me to deliver
>> to you for Jennifer Rabinowitz.  They are left by her parents.
>> It should be presented to her on her seventeenth birthday.
>> Please don't tell Jennifer or your husband about this meeting.
>> A good day to you."  The man left the house and she ran to the
>> front window to watch him drive away.  But no car appeared on
>> the driveway or street.  There was no man walking away from the
>> house.  Totally spooked, she ran to her bedroom without looking
>> at the little packet and placed it with other papers in her dresser.
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>
>
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