[stylist] question about word usage

[Judith Bron]

The guy disappearing is supposed to be creepy.  Can you imagine the guy just 
disappearing into thin air?  That was the whole point behind this character 
who only has a brief part in the novel.  It's one more mystery surrounding 
Jennifer and the letter.  Judith
----- Original Message ----- 
From: "Barbara Hammel" <poetlori8 at msn.com>
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Sent: Friday, October 15, 2010 3:32 PM
Subject: Re: [stylist] question about word usage


>I think that sounds better than spooked.  I mean, someone just disappearing 
>into nothingness is kind of creepy.  I had that happen to me once and it 
>was very unsettling.
> Barbara
>
> ...
> Yesterday is
> A path well-trod,
> A familiar lane
> Through sacred sod,
> A road we travel
> Too often, I fear,
> For there are the good times
> When things are hard here,
> ...
>
> --------------------------------------------------
> From: "Judith Bron" <jbron at optonline.net>
> Sent: Friday, October 15, 2010 10:06 AM
> To: <jsorozco at gmail.com>; "Writer's Division Mailing List" 
> <stylist at nfbnet.org>
> Subject: Re: [stylist] question about word usage
>
>> Hi Joe, Appalled means angry.  Why should she be angry?  It was a normal 
>> day when the stranger knocked or rang the bell.  Here is what I came up 
>> with. I'm interested in your reaction.
>>
>> On her way to the car Sheila thought about the little book with an 
>> inserted paper delivered a few months earlier by a strange man.  He had 
>> said, "Mrs. Hamilton, I'm a lawyer representing a family that perished in 
>> the holocaust. This little packet containing a small book and paper were 
>> given to me to deliver to you for Jennifer Rabinowitz.  They are left by 
>> her parents.  It should be presented to her on her seventeenth birthday. 
>> Please don't tell Jennifer or your husband about this meeting.  A good 
>> day to you."  The man left the house and she ran to the front window to 
>> watch him drive away.  But no car appeared on the driveway or street. 
>> There was no man walking away from the house.  She felt her blood run 
>> cold.  She ran to her bedroom without looking at the little packet and 
>> placed it with other papers in her dresser.
>>
>> ----- Original Message ----- 
>> From: "Joe Orozco" <jsorozco at gmail.com>
>> To: "'Writer's Division Mailing List'" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
>> Sent: Friday, October 15, 2010 9:37 AM
>> Subject: Re: [stylist] question about word usage
>>
>>
>>> Hi Judith,
>>>
>>> Your sentence reads:
>>>
>>> Totally spooked, she ran to her bedroom without looking at the little 
>>> packet
>>> and placed it with other papers in her dresser.
>>>
>>> Option 1:
>>>
>>> She was unsettled.  She ran to her bedroom without looking at the little
>>> packet and placed it with other papers in her dresser.
>>>
>>> Option 2:
>>>
>>> Appalled, she ran to her bedroom without looking at the little packet 
>>> and
>>> placed it with other papers in her dresser.
>>>
>>> The problem with word usage in this sentence is that the character runs 
>>> to
>>> her bedroom.  "Spooked," "appalled" or any other such descriptive word 
>>> means
>>> she is at least temporarily shocked, and shocked people aren't likely to
>>> dart first to the window and then to the bedroom.  The actions seem a 
>>> little
>>> disjointed.  If the scene is supposed to be a flashback, I would spend 
>>> more
>>> time cultivating the setting.  Perhaps there was something about the
>>> visitor, the unusual time of day, something ominous about the way he 
>>> looked,
>>> something to make the reader feel just as perplexed by the visitor as 
>>> the
>>> character.
>>>
>>> I hope that helps.
>>>
>>> Best,
>>>
>>> Joe
>>>
>>> "Hard work spotlights the character of people: some turn up their 
>>> sleeves,
>>> some turn up their noses, and some don't turn up at all."--Sam Ewing
>>>
>>> -----Original Message-----
>>> From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org
>>> [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Judith Bron
>>> Sent: Thursday, October 14, 2010 8:37 PM
>>> To: Stylist
>>> Subject: [stylist] question about word usage
>>>
>>> Here is a section from my novel "The Letter."  I use the phrase
>>> "Totally spooked" and wonder if there is something more
>>> appropriate that I should be using.  Any help would be most
>>> appreciated.  Thanks, Judith
>>>
>>> On her way to the car Sheila thought about the little book with
>>> an inserted paper delivered a few months earlier by a strange
>>> man.  He had said, "Mrs. Hamilton, I'm a lawyer representing a
>>> family that perished in the holocaust.  This little packet
>>> containing a small book and paper were given to me to deliver
>>> to you for Jennifer Rabinowitz.  They are left by her parents.
>>> It should be presented to her on her seventeenth birthday.
>>> Please don't tell Jennifer or your husband about this meeting.
>>> A good day to you."  The man left the house and she ran to the
>>> front window to watch him drive away.  But no car appeared on
>>> the driveway or street.  There was no man walking away from the
>>> house.  Totally spooked, she ran to her bedroom without looking
>>> at the little packet and placed it with other papers in her dresser.
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>>
>>
>>
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>
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