[stylist] Eve, Christmas spirit story

[Chris Kuell]

Hi Eve,

First of all, I use Jaws version 10 (I'm 3 versions behind) but mine says 
'misses' and not m r s period. Does it do it in your email as well, or just 
notepad?

I just read through your story twice. The first thing that jumped out at me 
is that you use Mrs. Haderly, impressed and    inspiration over and over 
again. I imagine I'm not the first or last to point this out. I also imagine 
it was intentional, although I'm not sure why. The second thing that jumped 
out at me was the thought - why aren't the neighbors helping out their 80 
year old neighbor?

I'm thinking that the theme of this piece is isolation, which can be 
especially painful during the holiday season. However, I'm not sure this 
story, written this way, successfully conveys that. The first problem, in my 
opinion, is that the story is all 'telling'. Remember the writer's first 
rule: show don't tell. Of course, you can't show all the time, but in this 
piece you rarely show. Secondly, the repetition gets tedious, and honestly, 
I bet most people wouldn't even finish the story if they came across it in a 
newspaper or magazine.

However, I commend you for tackling a difficult topic, and I think this 
piece could be rewritten in a way that really works. I suggest keeping the 
omniscient point of view, but make it more personal, and show us in scenes. 
Use Mrs. Haderrly, along with she, her, the old woman, etc...in paragraphs 
which show her doing the tasks. By doing this, you can show us the 
difficulty she has, which makes the neighbors unhelpfulness obvious without 
stating it. You have some really nice details--the ornaments, the wreath, 
the garland--show her putting them up, wincing as her arthritis kicks in, 
worrying about falling as Mr. Connors and Mrs. Campos (be specific, not the 
generic 'neighbors', because names, especially with a visual/audio/olfactory 
detail, make people more real to us) walk by. Through dialogue they might 
say 'Wow--you're amazing, Mrs. H' or words to that effect. Mr. Conner could 
say to Mrs. Campos, 'Can you believe that old bird still puts lights up 
every year. God bless her...' but they don't stop to help. You might add a 
neighbor across the street scolding his son/daughter for not helping him  to 
decorate, saying something like, "Do you know what Christmas spirit is? 
Don't you want to help?" - although even that might be too obvious.

One final note--watch out for the passive voice. An active voice makes for 
better reading. For example, you wrote: Mrs. Haderly would wrap the posts of 
her porch with garlands and holly. Better: Mrs. Haderly wrapped the posts of 
her porch with garland and holly.

Of course, these are just my thoughts on how I might try to make your piece 
better. Hopefully one or two rang true to you. Ultimately, it's your piece 
and you can write it as you wish.

Thanks for sharing,

chris