[stylist] Eve, Christmas spirit story

[Eve Sanchez]

Chris, thank you for your comments. Can you now explain something for me?
What do you mean by 'show not tell'? I dont understand this. Thanks, Eve

On Sat, Dec 10, 2011 at 3:59 PM, Chris Kuell <ckuell at comcast.net> wrote:

> Hi Eve,
>
> First of all, I use Jaws version 10 (I'm 3 versions behind) but mine says
> 'misses' and not m r s period. Does it do it in your email as well, or just
> notepad?
>
> I just read through your story twice. The first thing that jumped out at
> me is that you use Mrs. Haderly, impressed and    inspiration over and over
> again. I imagine I'm not the first or last to point this out. I also
> imagine it was intentional, although I'm not sure why. The second thing
> that jumped out at me was the thought - why aren't the neighbors helping
> out their 80 year old neighbor?
>
> I'm thinking that the theme of this piece is isolation, which can be
> especially painful during the holiday season. However, I'm not sure this
> story, written this way, successfully conveys that. The first problem, in
> my opinion, is that the story is all 'telling'. Remember the writer's first
> rule: show don't tell. Of course, you can't show all the time, but in this
> piece you rarely show. Secondly, the repetition gets tedious, and honestly,
> I bet most people wouldn't even finish the story if they came across it in
> a newspaper or magazine.
>
> However, I commend you for tackling a difficult topic, and I think this
> piece could be rewritten in a way that really works. I suggest keeping the
> omniscient point of view, but make it more personal, and show us in scenes.
> Use Mrs. Haderrly, along with she, her, the old woman, etc...in paragraphs
> which show her doing the tasks. By doing this, you can show us the
> difficulty she has, which makes the neighbors unhelpfulness obvious without
> stating it. You have some really nice details--the ornaments, the wreath,
> the garland--show her putting them up, wincing as her arthritis kicks in,
> worrying about falling as Mr. Connors and Mrs. Campos (be specific, not the
> generic 'neighbors', because names, especially with a
> visual/audio/olfactory detail, make people more real to us) walk by.
> Through dialogue they might say 'Wow--you're amazing, Mrs. H' or words to
> that effect. Mr. Conner could say to Mrs. Campos, 'Can you believe that old
> bird still puts lights up every year. God bless her...' but they don't stop
> to help. You might add a neighbor across the street scolding his
> son/daughter for not helping him  to decorate, saying something like, "Do
> you know what Christmas spirit is? Don't you want to help?" - although even
> that might be too obvious.
>
> One final note--watch out for the passive voice. An active voice makes for
> better reading. For example, you wrote: Mrs. Haderly would wrap the posts
> of her porch with garlands and holly. Better: Mrs. Haderly wrapped the
> posts of her porch with garland and holly.
>
> Of course, these are just my thoughts on how I might try to make your
> piece better. Hopefully one or two rang true to you. Ultimately, it's your
> piece and you can write it as you wish.
>
> Thanks for sharing,
>
> chris
>
>
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