[stylist] Comments on external description exercise

[Bridgit Pollpeter]

Barbara,

You write about children a lot, grin. I imagine you are very young at
heart.

I like your first sentence: The playground was perpetual motion. I like
"perpetual," but try eliminating the "was" and "were" sections. Just,
"The playground hummed with perpetual motion." The "hummed" is a verb to
replace the "was," but of course it's my word choice. You probably would
choose a different verb here, but it's just a suggestion to demonstrate
the point.

Instead of reporting what the children did, get into sensory
descriptions of what is happening. What smells, sounds, visuals can you
describe to demonstrate what is happening on the playground beyond
reporting what the children are doing. It's getting to those sensory
descriptions that bring the imagery to life.

I really like: through it all, threaded a train of giggling
kindergarteners.  The noise would have been deafening had not it been
for the cerulean sky above and the red and yellow maple and oak trees
that edged this haven of childhood.

I really love "edged this haven of childhood." That's a great
description. Again, focus on eliminating the passive voice, but this
last section is the strongest part of your exercise. I just really got
into these descriptions and recognized the poet you are, smile.

Sincerely,
Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter
Read my blog at:
http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/
 
"History is not what happened; history is what was written down."
The Expected One- Kathleen McGowan

Message: 2
Date: Sun, 29 Apr 2012 20:40:25 -0500
From: "Barbara Hammel" <poetlori8 at msn.com>
To: "Writer's Division Mailing List" <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: Re: [stylist] Writing exercise- external descriptions
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The playground was perpetual motion.  In the field, two teams of older
boys 
were playing baseball.  Little girls wer swinging and singing
recognizable 
words to an unknown tune.  Boys and girls were lined up for the slide
and 
zooming down every few seconds.  A hopscotch game was in progress.  And 
through it all, threaded a train of of giggling kindergartenenrs.  The
noise 
would have been deafening had not it been for the cerulean sky above and
the 
red and yellow maple and oak trees that edged this haven of childhood.

Barbara