[stylist] Feedback request on writing exercise

[Donna Hill]

Brad,
This is excellent. I think the tone is just right. You keep the reader's
interest while addressing their concerns in a conversational manner without
being overly dramatic (if that's the word for ultra-superlative ad copy).
You ought to be able to make some money at this. Please let us know what
grade you get for it.
Donna


-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of Brad Dunsé
Sent: Tuesday, January 10, 2012 1:33 PM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: [stylist] Feedback request on writing exercise

OK. This is a little bit different of a request. 
I'm taking an on-line  freelance commercial 
writing course focusing on 
business-to-Business  copy, and the assignment 
was to write a sales bit geared towards food 
management  pitching  an Acme Pro  cordless commercial can-opener featuring:

• Rechargeable build-in battery. No plug-in cords required.
• Small size. Takes up half the counter space of 
comparable models, yet just as powerful.
•The cutting blade has a special mechanism that 
dulls the metal as it opens the can leaving no sharp edges.
• Sanitary stainless steel construction. Water 
resistant. Withstands a five-foot drop onto a hard surface without damage.

I was to balance out the benefits and features. 
It's written in more of a conversational tone. 
Any  feedback is welcome.  Here's what I came up with.

As food service manager, your job is as easy as 
pie right? Yeah right. Concerns for food safety, 
meal production time, and employee injury all 
blur in the wake of employee schedules, menu 
selections, inventory shrinkage, and product 
rotation, not to mention the chief of concerns 
customer satisfaction.

We at Acme feel there is a small but uniquely 
valuable tool to help you. How does improved meal 
production times, reduced employee injury, less 
workspace clutter, and even a healthy share of 
brownie points with the owner or supervisor sound to you?

When we say small, we mean the footprint-size not 
effectiveness of our Acme Pro commercial cordless 
can-opener. We're talking one-half the size of 
any other opener on the market today, and there's 
no sacrifice of cutting power with this 
water-resistant, stainless steel housed tornado 
either. So what does that mean to you? It means 
cooking staff leaves the canned goods where they 
are and brings the opener to them. Your purveyors 
don't require you to come to their distribution 
house for each case of goods do they? Of course 
not, that's hardly time-efficient. Neither is 
tethering your opener to the outlet, and dangling 
the cord through your salad preps hauling a 
monster-sized opener to the canned goods.

Acme Pro's Cordless counter-top portability also 
converts to less time your staff are walking 
about the kitchen or carrying canned product. 
Kitchen traffic is a leading cause of injury on 
the job right? Each footstep is a risk, and we 
just eliminated a bunch of both threatening your safety record.

Another safety concern we had for your operation 
is cuts. Cutlery concerns are out of our hands, 
but opened cans and lids definitely are, and 
their safe in your cook staff's hands too. Our 
unique cutter has a dulling mechanism to take the 
fear of cuts out of the meal-time prep equation. 
Not only is Acme Pro partnering up with you to 
hold the work compensation rates and work safety 
thermometer at bay, but staff can get the job 
done without treating opened cans and lids as 
weapons of mass destruction. Again, it boils down 
to safer more time efficient meal production, and 
of course 
 those brownie points.

Finally, this little stainless workhorse is built 
to last. If you care to, feel free to drop it 
from a 5-foot surface straight to the floor 
go 
ahead 
 it won't break, we know 
 we've tested it.

Acme Pro commercial can-opener. Safe, fast, 
durable, powerful, and portable. No need to open 
up the brownie mix, you just did with the points 
you scored with staff and management 
that is 
 
if you put one of these babies to work for you soon.

Here's how 


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