[stylist] Feedback request on writing exercise

[Brad Dunsé]

Chris,

Thanks for the read and ffeedback. Yep the format 
gremilins attacked it again. You may be right on 
the brownie points, though one focus was to be on 
a personal benefit they'd get and how much can 
you say about a can-opener  'grin'. Perhaps a bit 
conversational for a food manager, though they 
aren't the shirt and tie  corporate office type, 
he/she probably goes home and plays WOW these 
days, hard  to say. One freelancer I've kind of 
studied, and have been reading his book, is very 
conversational in his writing which has kind of 
marked him which is interesting. In fact, the 
starting line I had there was based off a bit he 
had  in one of his pieces. It's a self directed 
course and I need to find an industry feedback 
resource for that area of writing yet. But you  have good points.

Brad

On 1/11/2012  07:49 AM Chris Kuell said...
>Hey Brad,
>
>I didn't find any glaring errors in your text 
>(there were a few spacing errors, but I'm 
>assuming that's because you cut and pasted it 
>and the cyber-gremlins had their way with it 
>during the travel from your house to mine). I 
>don't know anything about B to B trade writing, 
>but this does strike me as a little too 
>conversational, a little too jocular, which 
>could be interpreted as unprofessional. I may be 
>off base here, as I said, I don't know B to B. 
>You do cover all you are supposed to cover, it's 
>very readable, but I won't be surprised if you 
>lose points for the brownie points references. 
>Please let us know how it is received by those who matter.
>
>chris
>
>
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Brad Dunsé

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