[stylist] king peeley and the integra tea (changes prompt)

[Donna Hill]

Vejas,
Good job. I loved the wedding garb! You have quite an imagination and
ability to weave in many threads, and you are obviously gifted at writing.,
Just curious, how old are you now? 

I'm wondering if you might not try using this as an outline for a small
novel. There are some scenes which you expand upon in a delightful way, and
I'd like to see more of that and less just explaining what went on. I found
as a reader that I was getting a bit confused and overwhelmed with so much
information. I like your use of dialog, and I'd like to read more of that. I
really do think you could use this as an outline for a novel.

Also, I noticed a few punctuation/spelling issues. I'm not sure if I got
them all, but this will give you an idea.
First, in the following sentence, you missed the comma after  "and when he
came to."

Block quote
His mind was not quite working right either, and when he came to he realized
he needed to talk to his twin sons about who was to rule after his death.
Block quote end

There are two things in the following sentence. First, I'd put a comma after
"at first." Second, I don't like the double preposition "about with." I
can't explain this in terms of rules, but you don't need "with." "About his
business" says it.

Block quote
At first Peeley was just going about with his business, eating groundnut
stew with his daughter Koko and laughing.
Block quote end

In this last one, I think you mean "brought a new child into this world" not
"bought ..."

Block quote
Relieved from the pain and knowing she bought a new child into this world,
Dalila slipped away and died.  

Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Donna
-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of vejas
Sent: Saturday, January 14, 2012 10:58 AM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org; bpollpeter at hotmail.com
Subject: [stylist] king peeley and the integra tea (changes prompt)

This story has to do more with personality change.  Since I have 
lots going on, I don't have time to make a new one.  I wrote this 
in seventh grade for social studies and expanded upon it.  
Suggestions for changes to the writing are more than welcome.
Vejas
PS I think my personality change might be a bit unrealistic.  
Bridgit, feel free to comment to the list.




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