[stylist] king peeley and the integra tea (changes prompt)
vejas
brlsurfer at gmail.com
Mon Jan 16 23:24:01 UTC 2012
I'm 15 now. Thanks for the suggestions.
----- Original Message -----
From: "Donna Hill" <penatwork at epix.net
To: "'Writer's Division Mailing List'" <stylist at nfbnet.org
Date sent: Mon, 16 Jan 2012 17:56:17 -0500
Subject: Re: [stylist] king peeley and the integra tea (changes
prompt)
Vejas,
Good job. I loved the wedding garb! You have quite an
imagination and
ability to weave in many threads, and you are obviously gifted at
writing.,
Just curious, how old are you now?
I'm wondering if you might not try using this as an outline for a
small
novel. There are some scenes which you expand upon in a
delightful way, and
I'd like to see more of that and less just explaining what went
on. I found
as a reader that I was getting a bit confused and overwhelmed
with so much
information. I like your use of dialog, and I'd like to read
more of that. I
really do think you could use this as an outline for a novel.
Also, I noticed a few punctuation/spelling issues. I'm not sure
if I got
them all, but this will give you an idea.
First, in the following sentence, you missed the comma after
"and when he
came to."
Block quote
His mind was not quite working right either, and when he came to
he realized
he needed to talk to his twin sons about who was to rule after
his death.
Block quote end
There are two things in the following sentence. First, I'd put a
comma after
"at first." Second, I don't like the double preposition "about
with." I
can't explain this in terms of rules, but you don't need "with."
"About his
business" says it.
Block quote
At first Peeley was just going about with his business, eating
groundnut
stew with his daughter Koko and laughing.
Block quote end
In this last one, I think you mean "brought a new child into this
world" not
"bought ..."
Block quote
Relieved from the pain and knowing she bought a new child into
this world,
Dalila slipped away and died.
Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Donna
-----Original Message-----
From: stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org
[mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On
Behalf Of vejas
Sent: Saturday, January 14, 2012 10:58 AM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org; bpollpeter at hotmail.com
Subject: [stylist] king peeley and the integra tea (changes
prompt)
This story has to do more with personality change. Since I have
lots going on, I don't have time to make a new one. I wrote this
in seventh grade for social studies and expanded upon it.
Suggestions for changes to the writing are more than welcome.
Vejas
PS I think my personality change might be a bit unrealistic.
Bridgit, feel free to comment to the list.
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