[stylist] King Peeley and the Integra teay: Changes writing prompt

[Bridgit Pollpeter]

Vejas,

I may be blunt, but I'm only doing what has been done to me, and still
is. To become a great writer, we must walk through the fire and be
receptive to comments, negative and positive, whether we initially
disagree or not. So here I go.

In the title, is Integra teay suppose to be integrity? And also, does
your title connect with the story, and if so, how?

I read this three times, and I still have no clue what the point is.
There are so many characters and so many sub-plots, and they don't
connect all the time. There's no real common thread weaving characters
and their situations together. Beyond listing an imaginary genealogy, I
see no story.

Your characters are not three-dimensional; they have no depth. The
entire story is one reported scene after another. You never place the
reader in the moment; the characters are flat and offer no relate
ability and we learn very little about the characters and setting.

There's virtually no descriptive language in this story. It reads like a
history book, and a confusing one at that. You need to breathe life into
this story, let the characters come to life and locate a central plot.

This is a huge pet-peeve: dialogue should not be used arbitrarily to
fill space. Dialogue must either work to characterize or to further the
plot. Most of this dialogue is stunted and quite frankly, not necessary
most the time because of how the story is constructed. Let your dialogue
move the plot along and/or characterize characters. Don't let dialogue
become redundant either. If a character says it once, they don't need to
say it again. Or if something is said in dialogue, no narration is
necessary to summarize it, or vice versa.

You jump around so much which leads to the confusion many have commented
on. A king dies, a successor takes the throne, suddenly Hawaii is
brought into the picture then we jump to a sister and end with nothing
but a listing of how many children were born. I'm not sure how the end
resolves anything or connects to the beginning. You have no real
conflict which is the driving force in a plot. Characters need something
propelling them forward, and by the end, characters should have
undergone some change, whether it be small or big, or, they don't
change, but a reason must explain the lack of change.

There's absolutely no scenic development. Not only are the characters
flat, no scenic development exist creating the proverbial "show" versus
the "tell." There should be a balance between scenes and narration. You
tell us a lot of things that happen, but never show us- hence the term,
reported scenes. In order to truly bring a story and characters alive,
you must work on developing scenes. Descriptive language is severely
lacking in this story, as mentioned previously, which lends itself to
scenic development along with dialogue, sensory descriptions and
metaphor and other literary devices.

Why such a focus on pregnancy? After reading this several times, all I
take away from it is that some chick had a lot of kids. Babies are born
and that's all the story seems to be about. To be honest, this story is
so laden with characters, it's weighing the plot down. It's just not
realistic to have so many characters attempting to play pivotal roles in
one story. And the listing of each child and their age reminds me of the
genealogies in the Bible. Ask yourself, what are readers suppose to care
about in this story? What is suppose to compel us to the characters?
What is the arc of the story?

Watch your sentence structure. Sentences must be clear and concise. As
Donna suggest, go through and do some surgical editing eliminating words
not necessary and cleaning up sentences. Your phrasing is not always
correct. Make sure each sentence is clear and necessary to the plot.

Watch your paragraphs breaks as well. Make sure everything in a single
para is necessary, otherwise, create separate paras.

You have really good ideas but they need fleshing out. Work on character
development along with scenic development. And I know you have a thing
for multiples, but watch out for using too many characters. If you
eliminate characters, does it change the plot? If not, cut them. Same
with any narration or scenes; if they don't affect the over-all plot,
cut them.

This may sound harsh, but you should have witnessed my first writing
workshop while in university. Classmates and the instructor shredded my
story. I learned though, and I was challenged to try new things that are
helping to cultivate my own writing. This is not meant to bring you down
at all; it's suppose to help you find the weak spots and work on them.
For the most part, you have solid writing skills, and you, like me, seem
to never lack ideas. Imagination goes a long way in creative writing.
Now work on polishing those ideas. Breathe life into them. I believe
Donna made this comment, but no matter the setting-- historical,
fantasy, various parts of the world-- characters must be realistic and
relatable. Great stories leave us wanting more, identifying with
characters, feeling what they feel. Work on using a lot more descriptive
language and sensory descriptions. Don't simply tell us what is
happening, let us experience it with the characters. And really think
about the number of characters and how vital a role they need to play.

If you have questions, please contact me. You truly have a good idea
here, it just needs fleshing out. I'm proud that a 15-year-old is more
interested in using their imagination than participating in many of the
mind-numbing activities many teens engage in. Good for you, and keep
writing. I'd love to see a revision of this story .

Sincerely,
Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter
Read my blog at:
http://blogs.livewellnebraska.com/author/bpollpeter/
 
"History is not what happened; history is what was written down."
The Expected One- Kathleen McGowan