[stylist] Feedback on today's blurb

[Chris Kuell]

Brad -

This is a little rough, but I see what you are trying with it, and in 
general it works. I think you have some tense problems (I recommend you 
stick to past tense), and some run-ons and wordiness (think of cutting any 
extraneous words when editing) but these are easily fixed. You 'head hop' a 
little, which I think you do okay in this piece, but I'd recommend you start 
a new paragraph when the omnicient narrator is focused in his head, and then 
her head, and back. Watch out for redundancy, and try to cut this to 2200 
words or less. I'd like to read more if you continue it (I feel at this 
point like something bad is waiting out in those woods...)

Here's a few nit-pics:

She was fixing up an  office favorite for tonight's annual get-together.
"Rob?" she called, "don't forget . we're going to  the annual office staff 
party tonight. You'll be home by 6:30 right?"
* this is somewhat redundant, and her dialogue is stilted. Really--who says 
that? Better--Honey, don't forget the party tonight. You'll be home by six, 
right?

The late-summer company picnic at Linda's work he  thought was half OK 
because they held it outside  at a local park, the grilled chicken was 
always  awesome, and there were blue collars he could  talk with at the 
picnic tables.
* this sentence is a little clunky. I don't think you need to say he 
thought, because that's obvious. The beginning is not right to me, 
maybe -The summer picnic for Linda's work was bearable, because... I don't 
know--read it out loud to yourself and see if you agree.

"What a  waste," he thought it was . and the souls inside?
* why put the first thoughts in quotes and not the second or following? IMO, 
you don't need the quotes.This holds true for thoughts throught the piece. 
The next sentence is great--full of insight, but it's a run-on, and I'd 
suggest cutting it in two.

Linda (had?) returned to school  8-years ago (before, just to mix it up with 
the ago that occurs in the next phrase?) , graduated two-years ago with a 
Master (of Science- delete and just say masters)  in Risk Management, and 
due to  her late blooming in education...

 she  was brilliant, she graduated with a 4.1 GPA on  top of working 
part-time at the university
* isn't a 4.0 as high as you can get in college?

It bothered him some she was  the type that drew undressing looks from the 
male  specie (species), but He and Linda had a strong  relationship.
*I like this sentiment--even the seemingly secure guys have a touch of 
jealousy within them

He can (could) be totally engrossed in a project  around the house (and- 
delete, use comma)  catch (a) glimpse of her in the
other room and find himself standing there
drinking in her elegance and cuteness.(Cuteness? I might just stick with 
elegance)

I hadn't been out there in
2-days.
* perhaps it's a regional thing, but I'd go with 'haven't'

yes, she loved being surprised she can  (that she could) still turn the head 
of the man she loved, and he  (also-delete()  turned her head just the same.

...when she fingered it and looked close  there were ('she saw' is more 
active) strains of auburn and gray mixed in (it- delete)  that gave him a 
distinguished look.

winking one of her perfect lashes as she
looked up at him after purposely placing a long pause before her last word.
* clunky, and too many ing and ly words, to use the technical terms.

Rob has always been the outdoorsy, hunting and
fishing type but never tried trapping until a
couple years back.
* use 'had' instead of has, and always put a comma before 'but' when it's in 
the middle of a sentence

If  only he'd known, maybe he'd have (even- delete) opted to go  to the 
party early . instead . and maybe even  glad to do it(,) too.
*the 'instead' is sort of a unnecessary lump sitting there.

Her husband, who she now  could hear driving off in the distance . He was 
driving off in the distance, and then . then she couldn't' hear him anymore.
* clunky and redundant


Keep it going,

chris