[stylist] Feedback on today's blurb

Tue Jan 24 02:14:03 UTC 2012

Chris,

Thanks for taking the time to read through  and 
comment in detail. Reading it myself again once 
away from it for a while, I spotted a bunch of 
stuff  and you hit on both some of those plus 
added some  to the hit list which is great. I 
figured as much for the first run out of the 
gate.  My daughter actually graduated with over a 
4.0 GPA in college due to a double-major honors 
program, but my wife asked the same question, I 
guess she forgot about the kiddo's grade,  'insert hardy chuckle here'

Nonetheless we agreed a more realistic GPA of 
3.66 would suit it better  , since that was my wife's grade last semester.

Thanks. I'll definitely look at each of those suggestions in detail.

Brad

On 1/23/2012  06:58 PM Chris Kuell said...
>Brad -
>
>This is a little rough, but I see what you are 
>trying with it, and in general it works. I think 
>you have some tense problems (I recommend you 
>stick to past tense), and some run-ons and 
>wordiness (think of cutting any extraneous words 
>when editing) but these are easily fixed. You 
>'head hop' a little, which I think you do okay 
>in this piece, but I'd recommend you start a new 
>paragraph when the omnicient narrator is focused 
>in his head, and then her head, and back. Watch 
>out for redundancy, and try to cut this to 2200 
>words or less. I'd like to read more if you 
>continue it (I feel at this point like something 
>bad is waiting out in those woods...)
>
>Here's a few nit-pics:
>
>She was fixing up an  office favorite for tonight's annual get-together.
>"Rob?" she called, "don't forget . we're going 
>to  the annual office staff party tonight. You'll be home by 6:30 right?"
>* this is somewhat redundant, and her dialogue 
>is stilted. Really--who says that? 
>Better--Honey, don't forget the party tonight. You'll be home by six, right?
>
>The late-summer company picnic at Linda's work 
>he  thought was half OK because they held it 
>outside  at a local park, the grilled chicken 
>was always  awesome, and there were blue collars 
>he could  talk with at the picnic tables.
>* this sentence is a little clunky. I don't 
>think you need to say he thought, because that's 
>obvious. The beginning is not right to me, maybe 
>-The summer picnic for Linda's work was 
>bearable, because... I don't know--read it out 
>loud to yourself and see if you agree.
>
>"What a  waste," he thought it was . and the souls inside?
>* why put the first thoughts in quotes and not 
>the second or following? IMO, you don't need the 
>quotes.This holds true for thoughts throught the 
>piece. The next sentence is great--full of 
>insight, but it's a run-on, and I'd suggest cutting it in two.
>
>Linda (had?) returned to school  8-years ago 
>(before, just to mix it up with the ago that 
>occurs in the next phrase?) , graduated 
>two-years ago with a Master (of Science- delete 
>and just say masters)  in Risk Management, and 
>due to  her late blooming in education...
>
>she  was brilliant, she graduated with a 4.1 GPA 
>on  top of working part-time at the university
>* isn't a 4.0 as high as you can get in college?
>
>It bothered him some she was  the type that drew 
>undressing looks from the male  specie 
>(species), but He and Linda had a strong  relationship.
>*I like this sentiment--even the seemingly 
>secure guys have a touch of jealousy within them
>
>He can (could) be totally engrossed in a 
>project  around the house (and- delete, use 
>comma)  catch (a) glimpse of her in the
>other room and find himself standing there
>drinking in her elegance and cuteness.(Cuteness? 
>I might just stick with elegance)
>
>I hadn't been out there in
>2-days.
>* perhaps it's a regional thing, but I'd go with 'haven't'
>
>yes, she loved being surprised she can  (that 
>she could) still turn the head of the man she 
>loved, and he  (also-delete()  turned her head just the same.
>
>...when she fingered it and looked close  there 
>were ('she saw' is more active) strains of 
>auburn and gray mixed in (it- delete)  that gave him a distinguished look.
>
>winking one of her perfect lashes as she
>looked up at him after purposely placing a long pause before her last word.
>* clunky, and too many ing and ly words, to use the technical terms.
>
>Rob has always been the outdoorsy, hunting and
>fishing type but never tried trapping until a
>couple years back.
>* use 'had' instead of has, and always put a 
>comma before 'but' when it's in the middle of a sentence
>
>If  only he'd known, maybe he'd have (even- 
>delete) opted to go  to the party early . 
>instead . and maybe even  glad to do it(,) too.
>*the 'instead' is sort of a unnecessary lump sitting there.
>
>Her husband, who she now  could hear driving off 
>in the distance . He was driving off in the 
>distance, and then . then she couldn't' hear him anymore.
>* clunky and redundant
>
>
>Keep it going,
>
>chris
>
>
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Brad Dunsé

Humility is: "Before enlightenment--chopping wood 
... carrying water; after 
enlightenment--chopping  wood ... carrying water." --Unknown

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