[stylist] Song Writing prompt

[Jacobson, Shawn D]

Bridgit

I'm guessing that the fault is mostly mine.  I think this piece needed deeper reading than I gave it; my apologies.

I do think that Chris has a point when he talks about "over writing"; when the baby is described as broken, the first question is "Is he dead?"  Instead, he is gravely ill.  Seeing this clears up my confusion.

I did find the piece emotionally evocative, not the story you'd expect with an opening from "The Wizard of Oz"; I consider that a good thing.  You did weave the song in well.

Shawn

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Bridgit Pollpeter
Sent: Tuesday, February 12, 2013 2:05 PM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Subject: [stylist] Song Writing prompt

Shawn,

I do use a lyrical, or poetic, voice in this essay, so perhaps that didn't make it clear. I start with rocking and singing to my son, then I move into his birth and illness, but I end back up where I start, which is rocking him safe at home and he's no longer sick. I kept the tense and POV when switching to the past. I had tried using past tense, but I just didn't feel it flowed or kept you in the moment. I can try playing with POV and tense more though and see what happens. Thanks.

Bridgit
Message: 12
Date: Tue, 12 Feb 2013 10:49:53 -0500
From: "Jacobson, Shawn D" <Shawn.D.Jacobson at hud.gov>
To: 'Writer's Division Mailing List' <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Subject: Re: [stylist] Song writing prompt
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Bridgit

I think I got lost in the timing.  First you have the baby.  Then there is an unresolved issue with the baby that goes on and on.  You're holding the baby, your mourning the baby.  I think I got confused and it is probably because I didn't pay enough attention to the piece.  There was a lot of Email on the group this weekend and I may have gotten lost.

Sorry if I misunderstood the piece.

Shawn


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