[stylist] be warned kind of creepy

[Jacobson, Shawn D]

Kyle

I found this poem engaging (my mind keeps getting drawn to it).  As it stands, this piece is rough as a cobb, but it could be a truly magnificent piece with enough work.  I pulses with dark spirituality, and thus has its own bleak grandeur.

This will take work however.  Part of the problem is that spiritual/supernatural things tend to express themselves in a language all their own and it can be damned hard, no pun intended, to translate into earthly language.  I would work on continuity (they're falling, they're in a room, kids are being told to play at noon, kids are being told to mind their manners.  The piece jumped around for me somewhat.

Also, think about weaving the language of torment into the narrator's situation.  "Hell" and "jail" tell you that the narrator is not in a place you want to be; but they're also on a shore.  What kind of a shore is it?  Is it a fiery show, a dismal shore, a cold and lonely shore?  You may not reach people fully because a lot of the pain and horror of the situation is implied.

Also, I wasn't sure whether you were talking about ghosts (lost human souls) or demons (fallen angels); you may want to take this in different directions depending on who the narrator is.  For instance, I get the sense of a brotherhood of spirits in the first stanza, but I don't think you would have that with demons.  C. S. Lewis in "The Screwtape Letters" gives a good idea of what demons might be like.  I also thought of "Ghost Riders in the Sky" when I read this.

One more thing, be warned that you are treading through theology with this poem and that can be dangerous ground.  Some professional Christians might read this as a belief in salvation by works and get themselves tied into knots about that.  This would not detract from the greatness that this poem could be.

Anyway, good luck and keep working on this.

Shawn

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Kyle woodard
Sent: Thursday, March 28, 2013 3:29 PM
To: Writer's Division Mailing List
Subject: [stylist] be warned kind of creepy

Ok it's not usually my habbit to write creepy, dark or morbit poetry.
However this poem or song or whaterver it is speaks to me for some reason and it is almost as if it rights itself it is very long and I am not quite sure what to do with it but thought I would share to get some opinions.
some potential tieles are ghost ship, ghost story, and Demon Dance  and it is comprised of mostly all quatrains with a couple of couplets

AR 4.0

Kindred spirits one and all
here we are let us fall
we have traveled far together
now we shall die and live forever


Seeking something out of sight
giving up too tired to fight
When the age has come and gone
We shall still be singing our song


For some things don't end with death
For some things aren't finished with a breath Creepy crawly all around Listen to us now making our sound


So what possessed us to be this way
Haunting the world all night and day
stories only tell one side of things
leaving not q few loose strings


All of the answers to soothe your dreams lie tied up amidst twisted schemes IF you take one lesson from our song be aware that some decisions are wrong


We are past fixing our fate
however there is still room on your plate So take heed and don't follow us here some times it is good to have some fear


Turn away now from our doom
Walk away from this room
For if you stay here any longer
we shall win growing stronger


Don't follow us whatever you do
and on the way out be sure to say Boo


It wasn't initially our goal
to lose our body without a soul
however after all of our skirmishes and fighting we were left squabbling and back biting


Filled with hunger and greed
trying to fill an empty need
Once the darkness has a hold
you grow bitter and your heart goes cold


Then you know you're in a bind
when you'd walk all over your own kind
just to hold on to a bit of treasure
just for a wee moments pleasure


But that's the way we all went
till we were all gone and downward sent
now accursed to walk these shores
coming a knocking on your doors


Be aware children run away
only come out at the noon of day
for if you are caught outside
we'll take you on a wild ride


one you won't be forgeettign soon
as we contemplate forthcoming doom
run away and hide right quick
watching out for us that slick


Now be good little kiddies and mind your manners Making sure to flee our banners for only time will tell whether you go to heaven or hell


So make up your mind and stick to it fast turn away from sin and make it your past or else we will come a calling we have no shame in helping you falling


So flee flee right now
just open your bible to find out how
Now we have come to the end of our tale
but if you care to stay we have a spot open in our jail


















--
Wallace Kyle Woodard IV
Independent Associate for Pre Paid Legal Services
(512) 992-6346
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