[stylist] suggestions on this short story

[Chris Kuell]

Hey Vejas,
Thanks for sharing your story with us. I'm going to make some suggestions , 
but firstly I'd like to know what your assignment was. Because if it was to 
write a short story about love, I'm afraid you've missed the mark, at least 
in my opinion.

The story starts well, and I like the way you have Gisella and Mylo met. I'd 
make a few changes, but basically their meeting is good. But you don't 
really show them falling in love, or even telling us much about their love. 
Does he say funny things that make her laugh? Is he kind and considerate? Is 
she beautiful, and likes the same books he does? Does she say she hates 
asparagus--and so does he?

You need to show us how they connect, and how they might fall in love, and 
then show them in love. Show us their first kiss, and describe how her heart 
felt like it was going to burst with love for him. How when he thinks of 
her, he needs to go take an ice cold shower.  When he proposes, show her 
calling her parents crying with joy, and so on.

Next, while I can easily imagine how a guy hates his parents, and when his 
girlfriend meets them she thinks they're great)to me, this is the real point 
of your story--it's the tension, the conflict), but you don't show us at all 
why Mylo feels the way he does. You show him angry, but his anger doesn't 
make any sense. Have his parents being sweet to Gisella, and have them being 
assholes to Mylo. Example:
"Where'd you find this one, Mylo--some godforsaken hostil in east Poland?"
"Sorry, Gisellla--Mylo's never been a very bright boy."
"Mylo's siblings are all sucessful, but we're afraid he'll be on the dole 
before he's twenty-five..."

Stuff like that. Show the reader why he hates them, and also show them being 
sweet to Gisella, so we know why she likes them. By Mylo getting angry 
because his father won't show him his manuscript, Mylo is the one who looks 
like an asshole. And, while I'm on the topic, his submitting his father's 
work is just too unrealistic. What adult wouldn't submit their own work? If 
you want to show him being mean to his parents, have him piss on his Mom's 
prize rose bush or something.

You are right, your ending is weak. Mylo continues to act in a completely 
unbelievable way. My suggestion is to work on the middle more, show his 
parents being mean to him, nice to Gisella, and if you want, him being mean 
in return to his parents. Then you need to have Gisella and Mylo have a 
fight or at least a heated discussion about his feelings towards his 
parents. This would be a great time for him to tell her a story--maybe when 
they took his dog and had it put to sleep when he got a C in fourth grade, 
or refused to let him go on a field trip with the rest of his class because 
he hadn't cleaned his room properly--you can make up stories to illustrate 
their behavior.

As you know, in every short story, there's conflict, and resolution. For an 
ending, you need to pick a resolution and show it. Does Mylo become the 
bigger man and forgive his parents, convincing Gisella to move to America 
and leave them behind? Does he decide to go with her back to Austri aand 
make a fresh start? Does she decide that she wants nothing to do with this 
family and takes the tube to the airport and heads home, leaving only a 
note? Do Gisella and Mylo have a big fight so he storms off in a rage and 
doesn't remember cars drive on the other side of the street in england so he 
gets killed by a taxi driver who is reading a text from his ex-girlfriend?

Some sort of change needs to occur, and as the writer, it's your job to pick 
what that is. And make it realistic for the reader. Unless your assignment 
is to make up something unrealistic, always say to yourself--do I believe 
people might really act this way? Do I believe someone might actually say 
this?

I think you have a bit of re-writing to do, but this story does have great 
potential.

Good luck,

chris