[stylist] BH cinquain

[Jackie Williams]

Barbara,
Here is your cinquain. An improvement over your first draft. 

A DILEMMA
by Barbara Hammel

What's wrong
With a two-faced
Person is you're never
For certain with which face you are
Speaking.

Here is what I might do.

A DILEMMA
by Barbara Hammel

What's wrong
with a two-faced
person? You never know
for certain with which face you are
speaking.

What I did, Barbara was to get rid of one of the contractions, change the
first character in most lines to small letters, and to add the word "know."
If you are entering an Adelaide Crapsey cinquain contest, they will probably
insist on iambic meter.
Even many of hers were not consistently iambic. Many of mine are also not.
It all depends on the judge.
Please, accept my changes as just a suggestion. Sometimes a contraction is
necessary because of the restricted length. Enjambment instead of
capitalizing each line is the accepted practice, though every line
capitalization is coming back in some circles.
For a poet, it is always her or his choice. This work is yours, through and
through, and your interest shows that you truly like in depth critiquing. It
gives a background for your choices.

Jackie Lee

Time is the school in which we learn.
Time is the fire in which we burn.
Delmore Schwartz	 

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Barbara
HAMMEL via stylist
Sent: Sunday, August 09, 2015 6:55 PM
To: Writers' Division Mailing List
Cc: Barbara HAMMEL
Subject: Re: [stylist] BH cinquain

How's this, Jackie?

A DILEMMA
by Barbara Hammel

What's wrong
With a two-faced
Person is you're never
For certain with which face you are
Speaking.


Sent from my iPhone

> On Aug 9, 2015, at 20:18, Barbara HAMMEL via stylist <stylist at nfbnet.org>
wrote:
> 
> Such as in put a punctuation mark before the word you? I'm not coming up
with another way to phrase currently.
> Barbara
> 
> Sent from my iPhone
> 
>> On Aug 9, 2015, at 19:50, Jackie Williams via stylist
<stylist at nfbnet.org> wrote:
>> 
>> Barbara,
>> I finally got to the treasured cinquains.
>> This cinquain has a perfect topic, or theme. A lot of punch.
>> I find myself analyzing the6 syllable line, seeking clarification perhaps
>> through the punctuation. Can you take another read and see if you can
find
>> another path? 
>> Please write more of them.
>> Jackie Lee
>> 
>> Time is the school in which we learn.
>> Time is the fire in which we burn.
>> Delmore Schwartz     
>> 
>> 
>> -----Original Message-----
>> From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Barbara
>> HAMMEL via stylist
>> Sent: Tuesday, August 04, 2015 12:10 PM
>> To: stylist
>> Cc: Barbara HAMMEL
>> Subject: [stylist] BH cinquain
>> 
>> 
>> 
>> Here's my contribution to the cinquain writing:
>> 
>> A DILEMMA
>> by Barbara Hammel
>> 
>> You know,
>> What's wrong with a
>> Two-faced person is you
>> Never know with which face you are
>> Speaking.
>> 
>> Sent from my iPhone
>> 
>> _______________________________________________
>> Writers Division web site
>> http://writers.nfb.org/
>> stylist mailing list
>> stylist at nfbnet.org
>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
>> stylist:
>>
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/jackieleepoet%40cox.net
>> 
>> 
>> _______________________________________________
>> Writers Division web site
>> http://writers.nfb.org/
>> stylist mailing list
>> stylist at nfbnet.org
>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
>> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
stylist:
>> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/poetlori8%40msn.com
> 
> _______________________________________________
> Writers Division web site
> http://writers.nfb.org/
> stylist mailing list
> stylist at nfbnet.org
> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
stylist:
> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/poetlori8%40msn.com

_______________________________________________
Writers Division web site
http://writers.nfb.org/
stylist mailing list
stylist at nfbnet.org
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
stylist:
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/jackieleepoet%40cox.net