[stylist] submission for stylist

Sun Nov 15 21:23:27 UTC 2015

Estelle,

Not a bad start. I have provided some edits in brackets below. In terms of
subject matter, will be interesting to see where this story goes. Good luck.

  Christmas has [has is passive voice, maybe just state Christmas just
passed] just passed [need comma[ and once again [need comma] Santa noticed
that getting around the world was  more difficult each year.  This year, if
not for his reindeer, he truly believed that [can delete that, unnecessary]
he would not have found his way back to the North Pole.  With their great
guidance, they all were able to get home safely.

*First sentence is not action or gesture attributed to Santa, so needs to be
own paragraph.   Mrs. Claus noticed that something was wrong.  [new para]
Santa shook his head and said, "No."
*What is Santa saying no to?

  The doctor gave Santa a thorough examination and told them that there was
[can delete that there was, it's unnecessary] nothing that could be done,
[make new sentence] that he was starting to get old and [maybe delete and
and add comma] that he was losing his vision.
*Why not just make above para direct dialogue?

  "What should I do?" [should be asked] said Santa.

*Again, why not direct dialogue?   The doctor told him that he should go
home and let the Mrs. take care of him from now on.

  Santa [asked] said, "What about my toy shop and all the children?"

*Because you use the word "yelled," you do not need an exclamation point
with Santa's dialogue.   Santa jumped to his feet and yelled, "Never!"  He
stormed out, [need period, not comma, these are two separate, complete
sentences, so a comma does not work] the visit was over! *Why exclamation
point at end? Not an exclamatory statement.

Watch passive voice. Lots of surgical editing that can be done, so with each
draft, when editing and revising, look for areas where surgical editing can
be done. With dialogue, if just two people speaking, you do not need a
dialogue tag with each piece of dialogue. For example:
"This is the worse Christmas ever," Santa sighed.
"Why, what's wrong?" Rudolph asked.
"There's been no snow. You can't have Christmas without snow."
"But the children expect you."
"I know, I know, I just like a white Christmas."
"You never know, maybe a Christmas miracle will happen."
You know who is speaking in an exchange like this, so not necessary to have
dialogue tag each time. If more than one speaker, then need a dialogue tag
more consistently.

Bridgit

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Estelle
Shukert via stylist
Sent: Saturday, November 14, 2015 3:03 PM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Cc: Estelle Shukert <samsestelleshuke at hotmail.com>
Subject: [stylist] submission for stylist

Hello,
  We are new to stylist and to publishing, but are excited about getting
into the business and putting some children's stories with  braille, large
print and some tactile pictures out "there" for the blind and sighted to
share. We have already "published" a coloring book:  "I am a Crayon. What
Color am I?"  and have had a good response - at least for beginners! John
Batron who is the author, seems to have a never ending supply of ideas and
stories. His 5 grandchildren are certainly part of his inspiration!
  So, we thought we would send you a little bit of one of his stories to get
some comments and suggestions. We have tried to listen in on some of the
phone conferences. We would also like to know if we could get a list and the
code numbers to listen to the recordings of the ones we miss.
  Well, here goes:

Santa Gives Up Christmas Because He is Going Blind
  by John Batron

  Christmas has just passed and once again Santa noticed that getting around
the world was  more difficult each year.  This year, if not for his
reindeer, he truly believed that he would not have found his way back to the
North Pole.  With their great guidance, they all were able to get home
safely.
  Mrs. Claus noticed that something was wrong.  Santa shook his head and
said, "No."
  But later,  he told her he was going to make an appointment with the eye
doctor.  In a few days, he and the Mrs. were in the eye doctor's office.
  The doctor gave Santa a thorough examination and told them that there was
nothing that could be done, that he was starting to get old and that he was
losing his vision.
  "What should I do?" said Santa.
  The doctor told him that he should go home and let the Mrs. take care of
him from now on.
  Santa said, "What about my toy shop and all the children?"
  The doctor said, "You'll just have to give that all up."
  Santa jumped to his feet and yelled, "Never!"  He stormed out, the visit
was over!

  Well I guess that's just a tickler, but we look forward to any comments.  
  Blessings and thanks for all you do,  Estelle Shukert

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