[stylist] Story, "Help is On the Way"

[Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter]

Vejas,

Good beginning here. This has potential and is a good rough draft.

When writing to make a point, you don't want to come off as lecturing. Two
of the best ways to accomplish this are to one, create great, well-rounded,
three-dimensional characters. Make them come alive on the page, people
readers can relate too. And two, show don't tell. Instead of telling us
about this center or the NFB or the way blind people are treated, create
scenes depicting those moments. This will have more power and sway over a
reader, and it won't feel like pontificating. For example, don't tell us
what Fiona and Maggie go through, show us, put us in the moment, creating
scenes. Let readers be led by actions and not told what is right and wrong.

Just like in real life, we can tell people how capable blind people are, but
it's through our actions, living our lives that we make the most impact.

But good rough draft. Glad to see you writing again.

Bridgit

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Vejas
Vasiliauskas via stylist
Sent: Tuesday, September 13, 2016 2:39 PM
To: stylist at nfbnet.org
Cc: Vejas Vasiliauskas <alpineimagination at gmail.com>
Subject: [stylist] Story, "Help is On the Way"

Hi All,
I really would like to get back to writing, so I have written the following
piece, which I have attached as a Word document and will hopefully go into
the email.
This is a very rough draft.  Any constructive criticism would be appreciated
"as well as positive ones, obviously).  I feel that the potential main issue
with this story is that I have made too much effort to prove a specific
point about the center that is the main focus of this piece.
Enjoy!
Vejas
Help Is On the Way

by Vejas Vasiliauskas
Prologue
My name is Fiona Itube.  I'm 18 years old, and I live in Montpelier,
Vermont.  I have been blind all my life, but beyond getting good grades in
school, expectations weren't that important to my parents.  People all
throughout my school career were always willing to let me hold their hands;
my cane was always in my other hand, though I admit that I never learned to
use it.
I was indifferent to receiving blindness training, and so were my parents.
It was really my teacher for the visually impaired, Ellie, who insisted I
go.  I thought she was a nutty radical, but I applied for the Department of
Rehab so that I could get into the Better Blind training center.
But I never knew what blindness training was, until I met Maddie Maddox.
Chapter 1
My start date was September 27.  My parents helped me set up.  I take that
back, they set up for me, while I Whats-apped my best friend, Fern Allow.
Fern and I were supposed to have spent the summer together and all that, but
then her parents decided that it would be really fun in Italy, so that's
where they decided to go.
After my parents finished unpacking me, they hugged me.
"Welove you so much," Dad said.  "Let us know if you need anything."
"See if there's anyone you want to meet outside," Mom suggested.  
"You should bring your cane, it will probably make you look better."
I grabbed my cane and, sure enough, I didn't have to go far.  A girl walked
up to me.
"Hi, I'm Francesca, call me Frankie," she said, but her tone of voice
sounded cold.  Finally she asked, "Is that a stick?"
"Yes, it is," I explained, "but we call it a cane."
"Oh." She huffed.  "These.  So, you mean, you're totally blind."
"So?"
"Well," she said hesitantly, "I will explain this because you are new, but
typically we don't regard you kind of people very well."
"Will I get bullied?"
"Not really bullied per se, but we're supposed to have one and it's quite a
job.  I'm yours.  Whenever we have to go anywhere, I need to hold your hand
to take you there.
"And also, we do have to use these things, but we call them sticks.  Canes,
we consider way too radical."
Chapter 2
I got really used to the way of life at the center.  I learned and
understood that, as a totally blind person, I would never be altogether too
successful.  We were told our center's welcome sign over and over again.
Help Is on the Way For Blind People
What to Do to Get a Sighted Person's Attention 1.  Look lost, even if you
know where you're going.
2.  Smile, always smile.  Maybe you will charm a sighted person into giving
you a job.
3.  Accept the fact that this will always be your life.
We were also told that in a few years, surgery would allow us to gain sight
and lead a better life.
Chapter 2
"Honey, I'm so, so sorry," Lesley Clockhammer, the director of the blindness
center, told me as she looked at my apartment.  She looked around.  "Did
Maggie clean your apartment?"
"Yes, she did," I said, "but I spilled grape juice all over and didn't know
what to do."
"Oh, that's OK," Lesley laughed.  "I'll call her right now to get back and
clean it up.  If I don't, we could have some problems." 
She sighed.  "Anyway, I'm so sorry but you are going to be getting a new
roommate in a couple of hours.  Her name is Maddie Maddox and she is from
St.  Albans, Vermont.  I know people like to have their privacy.  I'm so, so
sorry."
Maddie impressed me from the start.  For starters, she didn't come with her
parents.  Lesley and Maggie, the cleaner, fussed all over her.
"Nope, I can do it myself," Maddie said over, and over, and over again.
When they finally left, Maddie came over to my room.
"How's life here, Fiona?" she asked me.
"It's fine, I guess.  For a blindness training center."
"I really wanted to go to Ruston, Louisiana for the Louisiana Center for the
Blind," Maddie explained.  "But my Department of Rehabilitation absolutely
insistedon no.  My dad is friends with Lesley Clockhammer's husband, and
they said I could come here for free! I hope that I at least can have some
great experiences."
It didn't look like it.  Later, as the day progressed, I saw that there was
very little that could satisfy Maddie Maddox.
"No," she insisted to her mentor, Davina.  "I don't need any help, thank you
very much! I can walk to the dining hall all by myself."
"With this stick thing?"
"Yes, it's called a cane," Maddie said, "and it's here to help me.  Do you
have any sight?"
"Some," Davina said meekly.
"I find it helps me and it should help you too," explained Maddie.  "That
certainly beats stumbling around."
Davina retreated.
"I got what I wanted!" Maddie was happy.  "Fiona, you need to tell your
mentor person similarly."
"I'm too scared to."
"Oh, come on, girl, you need to learn to speak up for yourself."
"Frankie," I said when she came by for dinner, "I would like to use my cane
from now on.  Thank you for being my mentor."
"Suit yourself," she said and walked off.
"See? It was easy!" Maddie cheered.  "Let's go for dinner!"
Chapter 3
Julia Spinner, the kitchen instructor, came into our apartment at
10 for kitchen class.  I was still sleeping.
"You missed breakfast," she said.  "No worries, though.  Do you want some
privacy to change, or would you like me to dress you?"
>From the kitchen, Maddie snickered.
"I'll dress myself, thanks," I said.
"Cool.  I have a spinach cheddar bake for you to make."
"Spinach and cheddar is awesome!" Maddie said.  She was writing out an
ingredients list for the center's grocery store on a large, old-fashioned
typewriter-like machine.  "I love helping my mom make spinach quiche!"
Julia laughed.  "Oh, that's the funniest thing I've heard all day! No,
you're supposed to put it in the oven for 45 minutes."
"Got it," I said.
 "Just curious," Maddie said, "but what are you having Fiona do for the next
45 minutes?"
"The waiting game," Julia explained patiently.  "As a blind person, you need
to learn to spend more time waiting and less on your mobile devices."
Chapter 4
"I'm disgusted with this center!" Maddie ranted and raved that night.  "If I
didn't have any self-motivation, I don't think I'd be anywhere! I was hoping
that I could help others in a positive way, and, Fiona, you have come such a
long way.  But I guess not."
Maddie had been lectured by Lesley Clockhammer that she was "overdoing it",
and "expressing a form of free thinking which served as a threat to the
center." But then Maddie calked down.
"I'm going to get permission to go to the National Federation of the Blind
convention in Orlando this year," she twittered excitedly.  "I have always
gone to them, and they are amazing! I learn so much?"
"How are you going to do that?" I asked.  You needed a day pass to go
anywhere.
"Both of my grandparents are conviently going to die that day," 
Maddie explained, "so I have no option but to go to their funeral.  That's
actually what my grandparent suggested.  There's no other way I can think of
that the center would let me go."
"Don't you feel strange ly-?was
"You gotta do what you gotta do." Maddie sighed.  "But I can't believe that
this is a 9-month program, and the convention is not for another 7."
"Tell me more about this NFB."
So that's what we talked about all night.  This organization wasn't full of
crazy radicals; they actually wanted more expectations of blind students so
that they could live a happy and fulfilled lifestyle.
Chapter 5
A month later, and I was even closer to Maddie.  On the outside, we did what
was required: hold our mentors' hands and, in my case, that of my new mentor
Caroline-thank God Frankie graduated.  
But on the outside, we did what we could.  We split the money to buy pots,
pans and other everyday uses for the kitchen, so that we could cook for
ourselves.  We cleaned and cleaned and cleaned, so much so that Maggie had
nothing to do.  One day she told us that she hated this job, that she knew
students could do much better, but coming to our apartment made her day.
It was an ordinary Saturday night when I was woken up by my phone vibrating
to signalize a text from Maddie.
"Hi Fiona it's me.  I have decided to leave.  I just can't take it anymore.
I am going to fight for the Louisiana Center for the Blind and while I wait,
I will do what I can.  Good luck.  Talk to me anytime."
And at that point I knew what to do.  I pulled out my suitcases and began to
pack them.
The End