[stylist] Story, "Help is On the Way"

[Vejas]

Hi Bridgit,
Thanks so much for reading this.
What exactly do you mean by lecturing? Could you give me an example based on a small part in the story?
Thanks,
Vejas

> On Sep 14, 2016, at 06:41, Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter via stylist <stylist at nfbnet.org> wrote:
> 
> Vejas,
> 
> Good beginning here. This has potential and is a good rough draft.
> 
> When writing to make a point, you don't want to come off as lecturing. Two
> of the best ways to accomplish this are to one, create great, well-rounded,
> three-dimensional characters. Make them come alive on the page, people
> readers can relate too. And two, show don't tell. Instead of telling us
> about this center or the NFB or the way blind people are treated, create
> scenes depicting those moments. This will have more power and sway over a
> reader, and it won't feel like pontificating. For example, don't tell us
> what Fiona and Maggie go through, show us, put us in the moment, creating
> scenes. Let readers be led by actions and not told what is right and wrong.
> 
> Just like in real life, we can tell people how capable blind people are, but
> it's through our actions, living our lives that we make the most impact.
> 
> But good rough draft. Glad to see you writing again.
> 
> Bridgit
> 
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Vejas
> Vasiliauskas via stylist
> Sent: Tuesday, September 13, 2016 2:39 PM
> To: stylist at nfbnet.org
> Cc: Vejas Vasiliauskas <alpineimagination at gmail.com>
> Subject: [stylist] Story, "Help is On the Way"
> 
> Hi All,
> I really would like to get back to writing, so I have written the following
> piece, which I have attached as a Word document and will hopefully go into
> the email.
> This is a very rough draft.  Any constructive criticism would be appreciated
> "as well as positive ones, obviously).  I feel that the potential main issue
> with this story is that I have made too much effort to prove a specific
> point about the center that is the main focus of this piece.
> Enjoy!
> Vejas
> Help Is On the Way
> 
> by Vejas Vasiliauskas
> Prologue
> My name is Fiona Itube.  I'm 18 years old, and I live in Montpelier,
> Vermont.  I have been blind all my life, but beyond getting good grades in
> school, expectations weren't that important to my parents.  People all
> throughout my school career were always willing to let me hold their hands;
> my cane was always in my other hand, though I admit that I never learned to
> use it.
> I was indifferent to receiving blindness training, and so were my parents.
> It was really my teacher for the visually impaired, Ellie, who insisted I
> go.  I thought she was a nutty radical, but I applied for the Department of
> Rehab so that I could get into the Better Blind training center.
> But I never knew what blindness training was, until I met Maddie Maddox.
> Chapter 1
> My start date was September 27.  My parents helped me set up.  I take that
> back, they set up for me, while I Whats-apped my best friend, Fern Allow.
> Fern and I were supposed to have spent the summer together and all that, but
> then her parents decided that it would be really fun in Italy, so that's
> where they decided to go.
> After my parents finished unpacking me, they hugged me.
> "Welove you so much," Dad said.  "Let us know if you need anything."
> "See if there's anyone you want to meet outside," Mom suggested.  
> "You should bring your cane, it will probably make you look better."
> I grabbed my cane and, sure enough, I didn't have to go far.  A girl walked
> up to me.
> "Hi, I'm Francesca, call me Frankie," she said, but her tone of voice
> sounded cold.  Finally she asked, "Is that a stick?"
> "Yes, it is," I explained, "but we call it a cane."
> "Oh." She huffed.  "These.  So, you mean, you're totally blind."
> "So?"
> "Well," she said hesitantly, "I will explain this because you are new, but
> typically we don't regard you kind of people very well."
> "Will I get bullied?"
> "Not really bullied per se, but we're supposed to have one and it's quite a
> job.  I'm yours.  Whenever we have to go anywhere, I need to hold your hand
> to take you there.
> "And also, we do have to use these things, but we call them sticks.  Canes,
> we consider way too radical."
> Chapter 2
> I got really used to the way of life at the center.  I learned and
> understood that, as a totally blind person, I would never be altogether too
> successful.  We were told our center's welcome sign over and over again.
> Help Is on the Way For Blind People
> What to Do to Get a Sighted Person's Attention 1.  Look lost, even if you
> know where you're going.
> 2.  Smile, always smile.  Maybe you will charm a sighted person into giving
> you a job.
> 3.  Accept the fact that this will always be your life.
> We were also told that in a few years, surgery would allow us to gain sight
> and lead a better life.
> Chapter 2
> "Honey, I'm so, so sorry," Lesley Clockhammer, the director of the blindness
> center, told me as she looked at my apartment.  She looked around.  "Did
> Maggie clean your apartment?"
> "Yes, she did," I said, "but I spilled grape juice all over and didn't know
> what to do."
> "Oh, that's OK," Lesley laughed.  "I'll call her right now to get back and
> clean it up.  If I don't, we could have some problems." 
> She sighed.  "Anyway, I'm so sorry but you are going to be getting a new
> roommate in a couple of hours.  Her name is Maddie Maddox and she is from
> St.  Albans, Vermont.  I know people like to have their privacy.  I'm so, so
> sorry."
> Maddie impressed me from the start.  For starters, she didn't come with her
> parents.  Lesley and Maggie, the cleaner, fussed all over her.
> "Nope, I can do it myself," Maddie said over, and over, and over again.
> When they finally left, Maddie came over to my room.
> "How's life here, Fiona?" she asked me.
> "It's fine, I guess.  For a blindness training center."
> "I really wanted to go to Ruston, Louisiana for the Louisiana Center for the
> Blind," Maddie explained.  "But my Department of Rehabilitation absolutely
> insistedon no.  My dad is friends with Lesley Clockhammer's husband, and
> they said I could come here for free! I hope that I at least can have some
> great experiences."
> It didn't look like it.  Later, as the day progressed, I saw that there was
> very little that could satisfy Maddie Maddox.
> "No," she insisted to her mentor, Davina.  "I don't need any help, thank you
> very much! I can walk to the dining hall all by myself."
> "With this stick thing?"
> "Yes, it's called a cane," Maddie said, "and it's here to help me.  Do you
> have any sight?"
> "Some," Davina said meekly.
> "I find it helps me and it should help you too," explained Maddie.  "That
> certainly beats stumbling around."
> Davina retreated.
> "I got what I wanted!" Maddie was happy.  "Fiona, you need to tell your
> mentor person similarly."
> "I'm too scared to."
> "Oh, come on, girl, you need to learn to speak up for yourself."
> "Frankie," I said when she came by for dinner, "I would like to use my cane
> from now on.  Thank you for being my mentor."
> "Suit yourself," she said and walked off.
> "See? It was easy!" Maddie cheered.  "Let's go for dinner!"
> Chapter 3
> Julia Spinner, the kitchen instructor, came into our apartment at
> 10 for kitchen class.  I was still sleeping.
> "You missed breakfast," she said.  "No worries, though.  Do you want some
> privacy to change, or would you like me to dress you?"
> From the kitchen, Maddie snickered.
> "I'll dress myself, thanks," I said.
> "Cool.  I have a spinach cheddar bake for you to make."
> "Spinach and cheddar is awesome!" Maddie said.  She was writing out an
> ingredients list for the center's grocery store on a large, old-fashioned
> typewriter-like machine.  "I love helping my mom make spinach quiche!"
> Julia laughed.  "Oh, that's the funniest thing I've heard all day! No,
> you're supposed to put it in the oven for 45 minutes."
> "Got it," I said.
> "Just curious," Maddie said, "but what are you having Fiona do for the next
> 45 minutes?"
> "The waiting game," Julia explained patiently.  "As a blind person, you need
> to learn to spend more time waiting and less on your mobile devices."
> Chapter 4
> "I'm disgusted with this center!" Maddie ranted and raved that night.  "If I
> didn't have any self-motivation, I don't think I'd be anywhere! I was hoping
> that I could help others in a positive way, and, Fiona, you have come such a
> long way.  But I guess not."
> Maddie had been lectured by Lesley Clockhammer that she was "overdoing it",
> and "expressing a form of free thinking which served as a threat to the
> center." But then Maddie calked down.
> "I'm going to get permission to go to the National Federation of the Blind
> convention in Orlando this year," she twittered excitedly.  "I have always
> gone to them, and they are amazing! I learn so much?"
> "How are you going to do that?" I asked.  You needed a day pass to go
> anywhere.
> "Both of my grandparents are conviently going to die that day," 
> Maddie explained, "so I have no option but to go to their funeral.  That's
> actually what my grandparent suggested.  There's no other way I can think of
> that the center would let me go."
> "Don't you feel strange ly-?was
> "You gotta do what you gotta do." Maddie sighed.  "But I can't believe that
> this is a 9-month program, and the convention is not for another 7."
> "Tell me more about this NFB."
> So that's what we talked about all night.  This organization wasn't full of
> crazy radicals; they actually wanted more expectations of blind students so
> that they could live a happy and fulfilled lifestyle.
> Chapter 5
> A month later, and I was even closer to Maddie.  On the outside, we did what
> was required: hold our mentors' hands and, in my case, that of my new mentor
> Caroline-thank God Frankie graduated.  
> But on the outside, we did what we could.  We split the money to buy pots,
> pans and other everyday uses for the kitchen, so that we could cook for
> ourselves.  We cleaned and cleaned and cleaned, so much so that Maggie had
> nothing to do.  One day she told us that she hated this job, that she knew
> students could do much better, but coming to our apartment made her day.
> It was an ordinary Saturday night when I was woken up by my phone vibrating
> to signalize a text from Maddie.
> "Hi Fiona it's me.  I have decided to leave.  I just can't take it anymore.
> I am going to fight for the Louisiana Center for the Blind and while I wait,
> I will do what I can.  Good luck.  Talk to me anytime."
> And at that point I knew what to do.  I pulled out my suitcases and began to
> pack them.
> The End
> 
> 
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