[stylist] Story, "Help is On the Way"

Wed Sep 14 18:45:10 UTC 2016

Vejas,

It's just a general comment. When stories are written with a moral or point
in mind, if not executed properly, it can feel like the reader is being
lectured.

This story is very clear in its intent. You are making a point about what
blind people are truly capable of, and distinguishing between bad training
and good training. There's a fine balance to walk when creating stories like
this. You want to make your perspective clear without preaching, so to
speak.

It's always best to lead readers to observations than to force them to see
them. True learning and acceptance comes when we are allowed to come to
conclusions on our own. Showing accomplishes this in creative writing better
than telling.

Bridgit

-----Original Message-----
From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Vejas via
stylist
Sent: Wednesday, September 14, 2016 12:15 PM
To: Writers' Division Mailing List <stylist at nfbnet.org>
Cc: Vejas <alpineimagination at gmail.com>
Subject: Re: [stylist] Story, "Help is On the Way"

Hi Bridgit,
Thanks so much for reading this.
What exactly do you mean by lecturing? Could you give me an example based on
a small part in the story?
Thanks,
Vejas

> On Sep 14, 2016, at 06:41, Bridgit Kuenning-Pollpeter via stylist
<stylist at nfbnet.org> wrote:
> 
> Vejas,
> 
> Good beginning here. This has potential and is a good rough draft.
> 
> When writing to make a point, you don't want to come off as lecturing. 
> Two of the best ways to accomplish this are to one, create great, 
> well-rounded, three-dimensional characters. Make them come alive on 
> the page, people readers can relate too. And two, show don't tell. 
> Instead of telling us about this center or the NFB or the way blind 
> people are treated, create scenes depicting those moments. This will 
> have more power and sway over a reader, and it won't feel like 
> pontificating. For example, don't tell us what Fiona and Maggie go 
> through, show us, put us in the moment, creating scenes. Let readers be
led by actions and not told what is right and wrong.
> 
> Just like in real life, we can tell people how capable blind people 
> are, but it's through our actions, living our lives that we make the most
impact.
> 
> But good rough draft. Glad to see you writing again.
> 
> Bridgit
> 
> -----Original Message-----
> From: stylist [mailto:stylist-bounces at nfbnet.org] On Behalf Of Vejas 
> Vasiliauskas via stylist
> Sent: Tuesday, September 13, 2016 2:39 PM
> To: stylist at nfbnet.org
> Cc: Vejas Vasiliauskas <alpineimagination at gmail.com>
> Subject: [stylist] Story, "Help is On the Way"
> 
> Hi All,
> I really would like to get back to writing, so I have written the 
> following piece, which I have attached as a Word document and will 
> hopefully go into the email.
> This is a very rough draft.  Any constructive criticism would be 
> appreciated "as well as positive ones, obviously).  I feel that the 
> potential main issue with this story is that I have made too much 
> effort to prove a specific point about the center that is the main focus
of this piece.
> Enjoy!
> Vejas
> Help Is On the Way
> 
> by Vejas Vasiliauskas
> Prologue
> My name is Fiona Itube.  I'm 18 years old, and I live in Montpelier, 
> Vermont.  I have been blind all my life, but beyond getting good 
> grades in school, expectations weren't that important to my parents.  
> People all throughout my school career were always willing to let me 
> hold their hands; my cane was always in my other hand, though I admit 
> that I never learned to use it.
> I was indifferent to receiving blindness training, and so were my parents.
> It was really my teacher for the visually impaired, Ellie, who 
> insisted I go.  I thought she was a nutty radical, but I applied for 
> the Department of Rehab so that I could get into the Better Blind training
center.
> But I never knew what blindness training was, until I met Maddie Maddox.
> Chapter 1
> My start date was September 27.  My parents helped me set up.  I take 
> that back, they set up for me, while I Whats-apped my best friend, Fern
Allow.
> Fern and I were supposed to have spent the summer together and all 
> that, but then her parents decided that it would be really fun in 
> Italy, so that's where they decided to go.
> After my parents finished unpacking me, they hugged me.
> "Welove you so much," Dad said.  "Let us know if you need anything."
> "See if there's anyone you want to meet outside," Mom suggested.  
> "You should bring your cane, it will probably make you look better."
> I grabbed my cane and, sure enough, I didn't have to go far.  A girl 
> walked up to me.
> "Hi, I'm Francesca, call me Frankie," she said, but her tone of voice 
> sounded cold.  Finally she asked, "Is that a stick?"
> "Yes, it is," I explained, "but we call it a cane."
> "Oh." She huffed.  "These.  So, you mean, you're totally blind."
> "So?"
> "Well," she said hesitantly, "I will explain this because you are new, 
> but typically we don't regard you kind of people very well."
> "Will I get bullied?"
> "Not really bullied per se, but we're supposed to have one and it's 
> quite a job.  I'm yours.  Whenever we have to go anywhere, I need to 
> hold your hand to take you there.
> "And also, we do have to use these things, but we call them sticks.  
> Canes, we consider way too radical."
> Chapter 2
> I got really used to the way of life at the center.  I learned and 
> understood that, as a totally blind person, I would never be 
> altogether too successful.  We were told our center's welcome sign over
and over again.
> Help Is on the Way For Blind People
> What to Do to Get a Sighted Person's Attention 1.  Look lost, even if 
> you know where you're going.
> 2.  Smile, always smile.  Maybe you will charm a sighted person into 
> giving you a job.
> 3.  Accept the fact that this will always be your life.
> We were also told that in a few years, surgery would allow us to gain 
> sight and lead a better life.
> Chapter 2
> "Honey, I'm so, so sorry," Lesley Clockhammer, the director of the 
> blindness center, told me as she looked at my apartment.  She looked 
> around.  "Did Maggie clean your apartment?"
> "Yes, she did," I said, "but I spilled grape juice all over and didn't 
> know what to do."
> "Oh, that's OK," Lesley laughed.  "I'll call her right now to get back 
> and clean it up.  If I don't, we could have some problems."
> She sighed.  "Anyway, I'm so sorry but you are going to be getting a 
> new roommate in a couple of hours.  Her name is Maddie Maddox and she 
> is from St.  Albans, Vermont.  I know people like to have their 
> privacy.  I'm so, so sorry."
> Maddie impressed me from the start.  For starters, she didn't come 
> with her parents.  Lesley and Maggie, the cleaner, fussed all over her.
> "Nope, I can do it myself," Maddie said over, and over, and over again.
> When they finally left, Maddie came over to my room.
> "How's life here, Fiona?" she asked me.
> "It's fine, I guess.  For a blindness training center."
> "I really wanted to go to Ruston, Louisiana for the Louisiana Center 
> for the Blind," Maddie explained.  "But my Department of 
> Rehabilitation absolutely insistedon no.  My dad is friends with 
> Lesley Clockhammer's husband, and they said I could come here for 
> free! I hope that I at least can have some great experiences."
> It didn't look like it.  Later, as the day progressed, I saw that 
> there was very little that could satisfy Maddie Maddox.
> "No," she insisted to her mentor, Davina.  "I don't need any help, 
> thank you very much! I can walk to the dining hall all by myself."
> "With this stick thing?"
> "Yes, it's called a cane," Maddie said, "and it's here to help me.  Do 
> you have any sight?"
> "Some," Davina said meekly.
> "I find it helps me and it should help you too," explained Maddie.  
> "That certainly beats stumbling around."
> Davina retreated.
> "I got what I wanted!" Maddie was happy.  "Fiona, you need to tell 
> your mentor person similarly."
> "I'm too scared to."
> "Oh, come on, girl, you need to learn to speak up for yourself."
> "Frankie," I said when she came by for dinner, "I would like to use my 
> cane from now on.  Thank you for being my mentor."
> "Suit yourself," she said and walked off.
> "See? It was easy!" Maddie cheered.  "Let's go for dinner!"
> Chapter 3
> Julia Spinner, the kitchen instructor, came into our apartment at
> 10 for kitchen class.  I was still sleeping.
> "You missed breakfast," she said.  "No worries, though.  Do you want 
> some privacy to change, or would you like me to dress you?"
> From the kitchen, Maddie snickered.
> "I'll dress myself, thanks," I said.
> "Cool.  I have a spinach cheddar bake for you to make."
> "Spinach and cheddar is awesome!" Maddie said.  She was writing out an 
> ingredients list for the center's grocery store on a large, 
> old-fashioned typewriter-like machine.  "I love helping my mom make
spinach quiche!"
> Julia laughed.  "Oh, that's the funniest thing I've heard all day! No, 
> you're supposed to put it in the oven for 45 minutes."
> "Got it," I said.
> "Just curious," Maddie said, "but what are you having Fiona do for the 
> next
> 45 minutes?"
> "The waiting game," Julia explained patiently.  "As a blind person, 
> you need to learn to spend more time waiting and less on your mobile
devices."
> Chapter 4
> "I'm disgusted with this center!" Maddie ranted and raved that night.  
> "If I didn't have any self-motivation, I don't think I'd be anywhere! 
> I was hoping that I could help others in a positive way, and, Fiona, 
> you have come such a long way.  But I guess not."
> Maddie had been lectured by Lesley Clockhammer that she was "overdoing 
> it", and "expressing a form of free thinking which served as a threat 
> to the center." But then Maddie calked down.
> "I'm going to get permission to go to the National Federation of the 
> Blind convention in Orlando this year," she twittered excitedly.  "I 
> have always gone to them, and they are amazing! I learn so much?"
> "How are you going to do that?" I asked.  You needed a day pass to go 
> anywhere.
> "Both of my grandparents are conviently going to die that day," 
> Maddie explained, "so I have no option but to go to their funeral.  
> That's actually what my grandparent suggested.  There's no other way I 
> can think of that the center would let me go."
> "Don't you feel strange ly-?was
> "You gotta do what you gotta do." Maddie sighed.  "But I can't believe 
> that this is a 9-month program, and the convention is not for another 7."
> "Tell me more about this NFB."
> So that's what we talked about all night.  This organization wasn't 
> full of crazy radicals; they actually wanted more expectations of 
> blind students so that they could live a happy and fulfilled lifestyle.
> Chapter 5
> A month later, and I was even closer to Maddie.  On the outside, we 
> did what was required: hold our mentors' hands and, in my case, that 
> of my new mentor Caroline-thank God Frankie graduated.
> But on the outside, we did what we could.  We split the money to buy 
> pots, pans and other everyday uses for the kitchen, so that we could 
> cook for ourselves.  We cleaned and cleaned and cleaned, so much so 
> that Maggie had nothing to do.  One day she told us that she hated 
> this job, that she knew students could do much better, but coming to our
apartment made her day.
> It was an ordinary Saturday night when I was woken up by my phone 
> vibrating to signalize a text from Maddie.
> "Hi Fiona it's me.  I have decided to leave.  I just can't take it
anymore.
> I am going to fight for the Louisiana Center for the Blind and while I 
> wait, I will do what I can.  Good luck.  Talk to me anytime."
> And at that point I knew what to do.  I pulled out my suitcases and 
> began to pack them.
> The End
> 
> 
> _______________________________________________
> Writers Division web site
> http://writers.nfb.org/
> stylist mailing list
> stylist at nfbnet.org
> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
> To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
stylist:
> http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/alpineimagination
> %40gmail.com

_______________________________________________
Writers Division web site
http://writers.nfb.org/
stylist mailing list
stylist at nfbnet.org
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/listinfo/stylist_nfbnet.org
To unsubscribe, change your list options or get your account info for
stylist:
http://nfbnet.org/mailman/options/stylist_nfbnet.org/bkpollpeter%40gmail.com